Ask Max Monday: Where’s the freaking donuts?!?

October 31, 2011 |

Max, every day I hear the man say “Time to make the donuts,” and I follow him into the kitchen but he never makes any. He just makes coffee which is disgusting and then he goes out to hunt. Where are the donuts???

Cat and donut doughnuts

I dunno, dood. Today I smelled donuts in the vicinity of the Woman’s office, so I went in there to see if I could have a bite, but she wasn’t eating any. I waited for like 20 minutes and never saw a donut, but I could sure as heck smell it. So I don’t know what’s going on. I do know the Woman is too lazy to make the donuts…she goes out and buys them.

Maybe that’s it. Your man goes out to make them, and she buys them, and then neither of us ever gets a bite. Sheesh.

Help! There’s an old lady who is bisiting and she sez I’m so cute she could just eat me up! What do I do?

Well…old ladies are like that. She probably doesn’t really mean it, but to be on the safe side I think you should find several good hiding places to hang out in while she’s there. If your people have a really big bed, I suggest crawling under it and squishing yourself up against a wall when arms can’t get to you. And if you can get into the back of a closet, that’s a god place to hide, too, though there’s a greater chance that a person will be able to get to you.

If hiding isn’t an option…dood, you’ll have to poop on her. That’s a win-win right there: you get to poop on a people, and it will gross her out so much she’ll never go near you again.

This will upset your people, but, oh well.

Max, I accidentally ate some dog food. Am I gonna die?

Nah. But it might take 3-4 weeks cats with toothbrushbefore you get that awful taste out of your mouth. You might want to speed the process along by gnawing on someone’s toothbrush after they go to bed. That’s a prime time to use one, because it should still be wet and minty fresh from the people’s use. Just don’t let the people know you’re borrowing it, because for some reason that upsets them. I’m not really sure why…

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of four blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats " and the most recent: Bite Me.

Comments (2)

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  1. Mouse and Tiger says:

    Just waltz up to the ol lady when she is bisiting and rub against her face and let a stink bomb go that is the purrfect way to convince her that you can not be eaten.

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