Ask Max Monday: Doobie Doobie Do

February 27, 2012 |

I just got a cat. How often should I scoop the litter box?

Every time kitty goes, you scoop. What? Problem? Every time YOU go, you flush, right? Please tell me you flush…

Fine…scoop it out daily and change the litter completely once a week—this means washing the box out, too. Yeah, we all know what the odds of that happening are…but think about it. Your cat has a much better sense of smell than you do, and would really like to have a fresh box as often as possible.

Max, two of my nipples itch.

I can’t help you there, dood…

Our hooman got bit by a DOG! Will this make our hooman all broken and drooly and crazy? Will our hooman turn into a dog when the moon is full? Halp!

Well…it depends on what kind of dog that bit your person. If it was a really big dog, being broken is a given. That doesn’t mean their body is broken, but their brain probably will be. You can test this by learning how to bark–some kitties can do this!–then sneak up behind them and let a few loud yaps loose and see what happens. If they let loose the bowels of fear…yep, they’re broken AND they have a mess to clean up.

I think you only have to worry about drooly and crazy if they drink to numb the pain of being bitten. I wouldn’t worry about them getting rabies and frothing at the mouth because the dog would have to have it first. If they did and it was a worry, then some stabby guy would come by and shoot them 10 times in the stomach, and any rabies worried would be solved. For reals!

And unless you live I Outer Transylvania, don’t worry about the full moon. People aren’t nearly cool enough to turn during a full moon, and the woofies that can cause that are hard core OT residents. Or maybe Canada. Are you in Canada? You may be screwed.

Where can I get Silverine? And do it you think it would work on the peoples?

Dood! I didn’t know where to get it, either, but I got a surprise package in the mail from the Food Lady that she had sent from the Amazon! And it was Silverine! AND IT IS AWESOME!!! I don’t think it’ll work on people, though. If you want similar stuff for people, you have to come to California, go to the stabby guy, tell him you have anxiety, and then go see some girl named Mary Jane. She has the good stuff for humans. She is VERY popular here.

Deer Max, We herd abowt Silver Vine on yer colum last week, and so we got sum, and boy, it made Tripper go INSANE!!!! And he was psyko to begin with. Me and Mao tride to use sum, but Tripper came running cuz he can smell it frum five miles away. How do we git hi win Tripper is within 5 miles of us?

Hm. This might be very tricky, and you’re going to have to enlist some help. First thing you need to do is sneak into the Food Lady’s wallet and get her plastic money. If you can’t get to her wallet, try Mr. Tasty Face’s. Then sneak onto the Internet and engage your Google-Fu and find the Ducks. The Ducks are very important because they have The Tape. And you NEED the tape. Don’t go to the Scotch’s because their tape is not as good as the Ducks Tape.

The Ducks will send you their tape for about $5 and I’m pretty sure they even have some in pink if you want to be all stylin’ about it. Once the tape gets there, one of you has to get Tripper to lay down on something, like a chair. Make sure he’s all comfy, and when he’s just about asleep, whip out the Duck’s Tape and tape his furry little asterisk down. THEN you and Mao can get totally RIPPED on the Silverine. Granted, you’ll have to listen to him scream, but hey, what’s a little blood curdling screaming between brothers.

Or…I suppose you could just lock him in the closet. Take your stuff out of it first, or he might pee all over it.

Oh, and Max, is it rong to have urjes for the oringe cat down the street? I see him win we go for walks and he makes me feel all sparkley inside.

As long as he’s reached the age of consent, I don’t see a problem if you have urges for him. If he’s old enough, send him some flowers and a bag of tasty crunchy treats with a nice note, telling him you’ve noticed his awesome muscles, and you would like to get to know him better. But I wouldn’t mention the sparkling thing just yet. He might think you like those Twilight books. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but…yeah…wait a while before you mention sparkling.

Pleeze don’t use my name on that qweschun, thx.

OK, Skeezy, I won’t…
Ask Max Thompson catiquette expurt

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of three books, "The PsychoKitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat," its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death," and "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats."

Comments (9)

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  1. Cheysuli says:

    If Skeezix has urges for the orange cat down the street is he cheating on Daisy? Inquiring minds you know…

  2. Shadow Dance Ranch Kittehs says:

    Skeezix, are you referring to our Ginger Mancat brother, Dancer? He said that *somebody* has been watching him when he is sitting in the window of the front room every morning :)

    • skeezix says:

      No, his name is definitly Axe. Maybe Ax. Or Aks. Not Dancer. And I see him in the evenings not the mornings cuz the FL duzn’t git up vary erly.

  3. skeezix says:

    OMC. I am so emberrist…..

    • Max says:

      Dood, nothing to be embarrassed about. We’re MANCATS! We have URGES! Mine happens to be for real live fresh dead shrimp. Not that I do anything inappropriate with it. I don’t. I swear. IT’S ALL INNOCENT!

      And I’m 90% sure there are no pictures…

  4. skeezix says:

    Max is it rong to be jellus cuz yer speshul frend has a more fabuluss wardrobe than you do? And a speshul clozet to boot? Sum days, that’s all I can think about. Win I’m not having urjes.

  5. skeezix says:

    Hey, Max, I have a predikymint. You see, my speshul frend sended me a luvely box of choklits, ixsept they weren’t choklits, they were catnip toys in a heart box with hart tishoo, vary romantik. I slept with that box in my bed evry nite. But wile I wuz waiting for valentine’s day win I cood offishully open the box, sumbuddy hooz name rimes with COW or STRIPPER steeled it frum me. Now I can’t even rite a thank yoo letter cuz I can’t say how much I enjoyed the catnip toys, and I think she wood feel bad if she lernt that her prezint got stoled by sum cat hooz name rimes with COW or STRIPPER. And did yoo notiss how pulite I was by not naming names?

  6. Mao says:

    Deer Max,

    I overherd THE MAN (Hoo I HATE BTW) talking to my lady about gitting one of these to use on me: http://www.wired.com/underwire/2012/03/japanese-speech-jamming-gun/ . It is a speech-jamming gun and I can’t think that it will be anything but BAD. Yoo know, thare so OLD I HAVE to skreem for them to let me in and let them know ware I am cuz otherwize they are def. Do you think this will kill me… or make me stutttttter?