Ask Max Monday: To Kick, Or Not To Kick…?

February 6, 2012 |

Ask Max Thompson catiquette expurrt

Our human is saving moneys to get us a spiffy new toy. Which should we get first, Da Bird or one of those balls that drop crunchy treats when you bat them around?

Oh, this one is easy. You need to get Da Bird. Da Bird is freaking AWESOME and it requires your person to get up and actually interact with you. Plus, those balls that drop crunchy treats are stingy and you have to work way too hard to get any out. What’s the point of crunchy treats if you have to work that hard? Leave the working to the person—make them play with you with DA BIRD!

Where is the best place for me to kiss my kitty on?

Well, stop and think about it. What does she present to you the most? When she walks up, does she try to stick her head towards your face, or something else?

If she’s anything like Buddah, she presents her backside and is telling you to kiss her…

Oh, I was just told that was rude of me.

Kiss the top of her head. You can’t go wrong with that.

Max, How do I get a picture to appear besides my comments when I reply to your posts? BJ at catsrbetter

OK, I honestly don’t know the answer to this. Maybe someone else out there knows.


Mousebreath here. Go to It will take about two minutes to set up a photo and it will show up every time you leave a comment on a wordpress blog.

Hey Max, how about another book? jean’s Bindi

That would be spiffy, wouldn’t it? I know the world needs another book by Max, but the truth is that I’m having a hard time coming up with the right idea for one. Plus, my personal secretary has been hogging the computer so even if I had the right idea, I might never get to write it down.

What is a dammit machine?

Dammit machines come in many forms. Here we have an example of three of them. The one on the left is a dreadmill. This is what people say they’re going to use when the weather is not nice enough to go walking outside. In reality, they get on it like 5 times, then in becomes a clothes rack, or a place for the kitties to play.

The one on the right is a Grunt Machine. It is called the grunt machine because people sit on the bench thingy, grab those little handle, and pull hard, trying to make those bars move, and they grunt a lot. It gets used three times, and then turns into a dust collector. Let me tell you, it’s a very fine dust collector. If you leave it alone, it’ll snarf up like 3 inches of the stuff!

The one in the middle? Dood, I dunno. I just know if I get to close when a person is using it that I’ll lose my tail. So I stay away.

But these are three examples of dammit machines. Although the one in the middle might also be known as a Frack Bike, because I’ve heard the woman mutter F-words a lot when she’s on it.

Max, a cat that I live with who does not want to be identified, asks this question. She is married to another cat on the CB but he no longer blogs. Are they really still married? Does it matter?

Does he remember her birthdays? Does he send her holiday gifts and surprises for the heck of it? If he doesn’t…well, I don’t wanna call it a divorce because that lowers us to human concepts of relationships and we’re far above that, but I would certainly consider it a nullification of any promises of fidelity made by both parties. And since he doesn’t blog anymore…well, it’s fair for her to start looking for another boy toy. His loss.

More important…is she hot?

Max, my mom is getting really fat and I heard someone say there’s a baby in her stomach. Well, I didn’t believe that so I laid across her tummy and felt a bump, and then everyone laughed and said that the baby kicked me! It’s not even HERE yet and it already kicked me! What do I do?

Kick back, dood. Show that sticky little thing who’s boss right now. Take your paw, lift it up high, and pop your Mom’s tummy a good one so that the baby feels it all the way until next Tuesday. And then run, dood, because she is going to be really, really, really ticked off.

Alternately…just stretch across her and purr really hard so that by the time the sticky person gets here it knows you’re pretty awesome. The people will be all awwwww how sweet and you might even get a crunchy treat or two.

Either way, you’ll win. But…crunchy treats, dood. Crunchy treats.

Ask Max Thompson catiquette expurt

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Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of four blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats " and the most recent: Bite Me.

Comments (5)

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  1. Cheysuli says:

    Well Max, that was a lot of questions! How long does it take you when there is so much to do?

  2. skeezix says:

    I’m with you on da bird, Max. It is the best. game. ever. invented. period.

  3. Finnegan says:

    Deer Max,

    What is the poop fairy? Mom keeps stuffing me in the PTU and taking me to the v.e.t. where they do furry rood things to me. Tonite she tolld me if the Poop Fairy doesn’t visit, I will haf to go see the v.e.t. agane.

  4. BJ says:

    Thanks for the help on the avatar, though that seems a funny thing to call Angel Mae!


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