Ask Max: Sometimes Ya Gotta Compensate

April 9, 2012 |

Dear Maxy Goodness, I know you can train people but is it possible to train a cat? Always yours, Twila

Trained cat
Possible, I suppose, providing the cat wants to be trained. Most of the time cats that seem to be trained are just humoring their people. At some point, though, that kitty just might decide he’s had enough and try to eat the person’s face off while they sleep. I mean, my people think I’m trained to ask for dinner as the Man is leaving for work, but the reality is that I let them think that, and they’re trained to feed me then. One day, he’s not going to go to work at the right time, but I’ll still ask for my dinner, but if they forget, well…someone better sleep with an eye open.

sleeping with one eye open
Max, will you marry me? Hopeful kitty, Twila

If I was the marrying kind of kitty, I totally would. Really. But I’m pretty useless to women kitties at this point in my life, and so set in my ways that I would probably hurt your feelings too many times. I decided a long time ago that I would just be friends with all my friends because I like them all so much. Plus, it would hurt the feelings of all the other kitties who have asked me to date them and live with them…my hot self is in quite the demand. But if I was looking to get married, I would. Swearsies.

Hi Max, My human agreed to provide accomodation for me while I was residing at the Cats Protection League, he is Pretty good and provides me a fine choice of stinky goodness. Would it be good ettiquet to show him affection or is this ‘not done’? TKS Mitty

Well…normally I would suggest that being aloof is the better course of action, but if the dood picked you out of a shelter situation and gave you a really sweet forever home, showing some affection would certainly be understandable. So don’t feel bad if you have an impulse to purr for him even if he’s not sick or hurt, and give him head bumps every now and then.

Just be sure to also lick things he doesn’t want licked, hock up hairballs on things he loves every so often, and on a regular basis, treat something he loves to a toothy death. It’ll be a Win all the way around.

Dooooooooooooooood my people said we’re doing the M-word, and we have to get in an airplane to get there! What do we do? WHAT DO WE DO???

Hide. Hide now. Hide well, and don’t come out until they change their insane little minds. Just be sure you put a lot of food and water into your hiding place so that you don’t, you know, shrink so much you turn invisible.

Max, dogs have weenies. Why don’t I have a weenie?

Actually dood, you do. Srsly. I’m pretty sure the entire Internet has seen it, but you might have some difficulties getting a good look at it because…well… I’m trying to think of a way to say this. Nicely. And I’m not sure there IS a nice way. But… Look, you have one, okay? But because YOU can’t quite find it, I suggest you get yourself one of these.

Trust me. That ginormous truck will make up for a lot…


Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of four blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats " and the most recent: Bite Me.

Comments (2)

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  1. skeezix says:

    I’ve been looking for my weenie all day long but I didn’t see it. I askt Mao to look, but he sed it was so teeny he coodn’t see it either. But boy, I’d rather have that mancatly big pink truck anyways!


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