Ask Max Monday: Wakey, Wakey

November 26, 2012 |

Max, with this baby thing coming soon we are loosing some of our stuff. The treadmill went out. They are thinning out our toy box saying we have to many and it has to stay contained and that they have to make sure they can not be swallowed. We never swallow our toys. And there is talk of getting rid of our cat tree. Something about it falling apart. it is only 4 years old. We are not happy about our stuff going away. They are moving and cleaning and getting rid of a lot. What can we do to save our stuff? Can we just have them not get the baby?

Unfortunately, that’s not an option. Once people have done all the bouncy bouncy things that lead up to the appearance of sticky little people, there’s no stopping it. About the only thing you can do is plan now where your best hiding spots will be, and start thinking about all the things you’re going to train the sticky thing to do once he or she is here and old enough to mold into a person of your liking.

And think of the good things…once there’s a miniature human hanging around, you have someone you can blame everything on. Stuff gets knocked off a table? Kid did it. Plant gets dumped upside down? Kid did it. Barf on the expensive oriental rug? Kid did it.

Try to protect your important stuff, though. Cat trees can be tied to a wall (we used to have to do this with the Christmas tree because Buddah was a bit of a tornado when he was little.) Small toys can be put behind a baby gate (and for the first few months it won’t matter anyway. Blurpies—what stick kids are before they become sticky—aren’t mobile at first, so they won’t be gnawing on your toys or surfing for munchies in your litter box.

Mostly, try to not worry. You might have to give up a few small things, but dood…You’re getting a MINION.

Max I have a qweschun. Thare’s this stoopid cat in our house (I won’t name names but his name rimes with Stripper) hoo duz NOT BERRY HIS KRAP! It makes me so mad I just have to go and PEE ON SUMTHING!!!!! I follow the kerrekt protokoll fur krap berrying, using the geograffy method: 1) Dig to China, then 2) Bild Mownt Evrest. He just dumps and runs. And his krap is so stinky it makes me wunt to vomit everyware, so I do.

So my qweschun is whuts yer address so I can send him to live with you?

Cripes, dood, I already live with a cat that doesn’t bury his krap. EVERYONE in this house knows when buddah has dropped a bomb in the box. I’m pretty sure the people next door know it, and the dogs two doors down know it. The last thing I need is another purveyor of stink here.

Send him to Jeter Harris. His people probably won’t notice the extra cat.

Mr Max,
I gotta nother question. The mom is making complaigning noises about the wet floor upstairs. She says she is tired of mopping up all the water from the water bowl. I only learned how to dump it over day befor yesterday. Its 95 kinds of fun! Makes a BIG splash and a clang and then squishies in the rug. But she went and put the bowl ina box an I can only rock it back an forth an make waves in it an splash wid my paws. How do I get her to put it back like it was? An refill it more often too?

You need to work really hard at getting that bowl to tip over in the box. Every time she fills it, get a drink, and then knock that sucker over. Or just keep splashing until you empty the bowl. I know it will be hard work, but you have to keep filling the box with water until she realizes it’s not really helping anything. And then you’ll either get the bowl the way you want it—and be able to dump it out at your leisure—or you’ll get a fountain, and you won’t want to knock that over because fountains are 167 kinds of fun. Plus, that would encourage you to drink more. Well, unless you’re like Buddah. He doesn’t like our fountain. But he’s about 2.5 sandwiches short of a picnic anyway.

Max, my mom oversleeps every single morning and my breakfast is always late. I’m starving. What can I do?

Wake that woman up, dood! Don’t wait for her eyes to flutter open before you politely tell her you wish to partake of morning noms. Jump up on the bed, crawl on top of her, and jam your entire nose up one of her nostrils! Trust me, it works. She’ll be up and out of that bed so fast, she’ll never know what hit her.

Or you could hit her, I suppose. But that she would figure out.

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of five blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats " and the most recent: Bite Me. His most recent is a book of poetry, "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket."

Comments (4)

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  1. Shadow Dance Ranch Kittehs says:

    Hi Max, We were thinking about what to get our Momma for Christmas and we kind of decided that she really likes YOU. Everytime we see her reading your stuff, she laughs so hard she has leaky spots all over and even though it kind of scares us, we think it is good for her to laugh like that. Now, since we know that you are probably not *available* to live with us. Which is really too bad. You might like it here! We all *berry our krap in China* and we also splash all of the water out of all of our water bowls! And she just cleans it all up! Anyways, we thought maybe we could get her one of your books! Problem is we don’t know which one is the funniest. We would buy all three, but most of our allowance goes for stuff like Stinky Goodness and Kitty Crack (MOL!). So, if you would give us any suggestions on which book to choose, we would be so grateful.

    • Max says:

      Well…I guess the best place to start is with my first book, ThePsychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat. But “the Rules” is good, too, if she needs illustrations. I know some people have trouble with words, so I drew a bunch of pictures for that one. And it’s short, which is good for short attention spans. AND I make more money on a print copy of that one than my others. So maybe get her The Rules!

  2. crazy bengals says:

    Hi Max. I hope you can help me. I served my cats (Ari and Diana) expensive canned tuna today cause we were out of canned cat food. Guess what-they turned up their noses and refused to even taste it! I am talking about the uber expensive extra tasty stuff that I bought as a special treat. what is wrong with my kitties? I thought all kitties loved tuna .No, the can wasn’t expired either. what do you think?

  3. Maobert says:

    Max, whut duz STFU meen?


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