Ask Max Monday: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

December 31, 2012 |

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HAY MAX HOW MUCH REEL LIVE FRESH DED KRAB CAN I EAT BEEFORE MY BELLY IXPLODES AND MY GUTZ SPRAY ALL OVER THE WALLS CUZ THATS WHY MY LADEY WONT GIVE ME ANY MORE AND I THINK SHE JUST WANTS TO KEEP IT ALL TO HERSELF.

Man, I’m pretty sure that you can take in half a pound for every pound you weigh before all the bloody things start to happen. Clearly, your person is not only hogging the noms, but she’s too lazy to clean up your guts up. Really, how long could it take? Fifteen minutes to scrape your intestines off the wall, ten minutes to vacuum all the fur that projectiles off your hide .00459 seconds before you go =BOOM= and maybe an extra 5 minutes for all the dry-heaving delays that will occur.

She’s missing a real opportunity, because chit like that? That’s You Tube GOLD, dood!

Max, my beans really love me and I chose them really. My question is this. When I have an upset tummy, what can my mom give me for that? She says that she is calling the stabby place and I am not in the mood, dood! Thanks. Jameson

When I have an upset tummy, I barf all over the place, and the People go, “Oh poor baby, don’t you feel well?” which just makes me want to barf more. But they never give me anything for it, they let me eat what I want when I feel like it. Now, if it went on for more than a day they’d drag my sorry asterisk to the stabby guy, but other than that one time when we got Buddah and I got REALLY sick, that hasn’t happened.

So I’m thinking that your mom needs to give you some real live fresh dead cow. In steak form, preferably. It might not make your tummy feel better, but you’ll like it and she’ll have interesting barf to clean up.

Max what does it mean that we’re getting a new year? What was wrong with the old one?

It’s a people thing. There’s not a thing wrong with the old year…I think it’s mostly an excuse to go out and drink lots of Stupid Drinks with their friends and eat more foods than they should. You and I…we won’t notice anything being really different, other than on the first day of the new year, the people are grumpy and have headaches and tummy aches, and they want everything to be very, very quiet.

So you know what you have to do.

Talk to them all day long, at top volume.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DOODS! Here’s to hoping that 2013 is a really sweet year and that we all get our fair share of the noms and the warms, and that as many kitties (and dogs!) as possible get awesome forever homes.

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Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday, Columns, Last Week, new

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of three books, "The PsychoKitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat," its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death," and "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats."

Comments (14)

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  1. sue brandes says:

    Happy Meow Year to you.

  2. Beth Gibbs says:

    Happy Meow Year ! I hope this Meow Year brings lots of crunchy treats, steaks, and wonderful Stink Goodness!
    From Jameson and brudder O’Cat

  3. dood,
    i’m thinkin dat yer gointa havva grate yeer an i’m pretty sure dat i will, too.
    happy noo yeer frend.
    yer smart an sassy an dat’z wut i like!
    luv–yer frend–jh

  4. Mighty Kitty says:

    Wowzer, Dood!!! You haz sum blog here! My mom wants to know how to begin blogging and then teach me and my brudder. Duz your woman havs any good ids about it? Wez can lern kwick! Max, thanz for ansering me and it made me really happy! I am a shy kitty mosly. Jameson

  5. Penelope says:

    Dear Max
    May the best of this year be the worst of next!
    Kisses
    Nellie, Kozmo, the hairy slobbery sisters – Bob and Cinnamon and the Pawrents

  6. Well, 2013 is off to a great start with that advice, Max. Keep it coming.

  7. Was it you or Buddah who christened your Mom’s feet with Barf on New Year’s Day?

    • Max says:

      Heh. It was me :)

      • Beth Gibbs says:

        What a way to bring in the New Year dood
        christening mom’s feet with Maxxy goodness! Jameson aka Jamie, O’Reilly aka O’Cat and I want to wish you a happier tummy and the very best year of advice ever! You are one kewl kitty! I would love to send some treats next time I go shopping for Jamie and O’Cat but I have no address. IF I ever have an address I will send you some real great treats that my boys enjoy! I think O’Cat had too much New Year too cause he has been christening my kitchen floor and my bed with his dry food! I am watching him for any trouble. Love ya Max!

  8. Happy New Year Max. Thanks for all your good advice…..

  9. Dio the Kitty says:

    Dear Max, How much older does my human mom have to get before she can go to the potty bathroom by herself? Some nights she gets up too many times and I can barely open my eyes let alone stagger in there.

  10. TRIPPER says:

    HAY MAX WIN IS THE DEDLINE FUR BRAKING ALL YER NEW YEERZ REZULOOSHUNS?

  11. deer max
    how can i get rid uv da smell uv stoopid kitten in dis house?
    i am jus wunderin.
    yerz–jh