Ask Max Monday: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

December 31, 2012 |

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HAY MAX HOW MUCH REEL LIVE FRESH DED KRAB CAN I EAT BEEFORE MY BELLY IXPLODES AND MY GUTZ SPRAY ALL OVER THE WALLS CUZ THATS WHY MY LADEY WONT GIVE ME ANY MORE AND I THINK SHE JUST WANTS TO KEEP IT ALL TO HERSELF.

Man, I’m pretty sure that you can take in half a pound for every pound you weigh before all the bloody things start to happen. Clearly, your person is not only hogging the noms, but she’s too lazy to clean up your guts up. Really, how long could it take? Fifteen minutes to scrape your intestines off the wall, ten minutes to vacuum all the fur that projectiles off your hide .00459 seconds before you go =BOOM= and maybe an extra 5 minutes for all the dry-heaving delays that will occur.

She’s missing a real opportunity, because chit like that? That’s You Tube GOLD, dood!

Max, my beans really love me and I chose them really. My question is this. When I have an upset tummy, what can my mom give me for that? She says that she is calling the stabby place and I am not in the mood, dood! Thanks. Jameson

When I have an upset tummy, I barf all over the place, and the People go, “Oh poor baby, don’t you feel well?” which just makes me want to barf more. But they never give me anything for it, they let me eat what I want when I feel like it. Now, if it went on for more than a day they’d drag my sorry asterisk to the stabby guy, but other than that one time when we got Buddah and I got REALLY sick, that hasn’t happened.

So I’m thinking that your mom needs to give you some real live fresh dead cow. In steak form, preferably. It might not make your tummy feel better, but you’ll like it and she’ll have interesting barf to clean up.

Max what does it mean that we’re getting a new year? What was wrong with the old one?

It’s a people thing. There’s not a thing wrong with the old year…I think it’s mostly an excuse to go out and drink lots of Stupid Drinks with their friends and eat more foods than they should. You and I…we won’t notice anything being really different, other than on the first day of the new year, the people are grumpy and have headaches and tummy aches, and they want everything to be very, very quiet.

So you know what you have to do.

Talk to them all day long, at top volume.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DOODS! Here’s to hoping that 2013 is a really sweet year and that we all get our fair share of the noms and the warms, and that as many kitties (and dogs!) as possible get awesome forever homes.

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