Ask Max Monday: If You Give A Cat A Box…

December 10, 2012 |

Feline Life Coach Max Thompson answers your pressing questions, delivering snark and advice every Monday.

 

Ok, on a serious note, Max I haf a prollem with mine the mom. See, I try and be a cool dood like you (mine hero) but mine the mom is constantly playing kissy face then I can’t help it I start playing kissy face back. And I run to her when she calls mine name. And also when she calls me Poosie. I can’t help it! What is wrong wif me? Why can’t I act aloof like a meezer is supposed to? I feel like a disgrace to the feline gender. (or is that species? I don’t know). – Miles “Poosie” Meezer

Dood. Man. Give me a minute to pull my face out of this epic facepalm I got going on.

All right. Here’s the thing. All that really is a little…different…but you know what? You have to be whatever kind of kitty you are, and what you are is a—don’t take this the wrong waybecause it’s not an insult—Momma’s Boy. If you were a people and went to school you’d be getting wedgies and swirlies and other mean stuff like that, but lucky for you, you’re a cat. And it’s okay for a boy cat to be a momma’s boy.

Know why?

Because, dood, you can get stuff out of a people with all the kissy face krap and coming when she calls. Just be sure to sucker her into extra crunchy treats and stuff, and it’s all good. Then you can say you do it because you have her trained to give you stuff, not because you’re, you know, unaloof.

And ya know, most of the time I at least respond when the Woman calls my name. Because I know that it means something to her, and that’s my currency. MY MONEY, dood. I exchange that for crunchy treats. It makes her feel good, and I get what I want. Win-win.

Max,
Does yous has a girlfriend?
Kisses
Nellie

Nope, I am a free spirit. 100% confirmed bachelor. Now, that’s not because I don’t want to be tied down to one girl kitty; it’s because it wouldn’t be fair to that girl kitty. I mean, my people had my fun bits WHACKED OFF so it seems pointless to settle down. That would only disappoint my partner, you know?

So I made a decision a long time ago that I wouldn’t limit myself to one special friend. I want to be able to love all my friends and special relationships that don’t have specific expectations, like remembering birthdays or being home in time for dinner.

Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t have my crushes. I do. I’d say who, but that’d be telling ;)

Hiyas Max dood!
Now I noes you noe we kittehs all loves boxes. My peoples seem to get that pretty good, even tho my big bro and sissies don’t sit in them as much as I do. They check ‘em out a bit and then them forgit about ‘em but I loves boxes to hide in, play in and nap in. What I don’t git is why my Dad guy takes it away and gits rid of it without giving me a new one? Sometimes I have to wait, like DAYS for a new box to play wif! Mom guy alwayz tells him to leave it but no, he takes it away. What’s wrong wif Dad guy? Why is he mean?
Thanks Max, you’re the best,
Spunky Kazoo

I used to wonder the same thing. I’d get a box and love it and want to keep it forever, and then it would disappear. Just like that! It was really frustrating, but then we got Buddah and I watched him with boxes and I finally realized what was happening.

People watch us with our boxes, and when it looks like we aren’t playing with them anymore, they throw them away. They’re not being mean. They just know that if they get rid of one box, wait a few days, and then bring in another one, it’s like Kitty Christmas. New box! More fun! And dood, we fall for it Every.Freaking.Time. But that’s all right.

Your dad isn’t being mean. He’s just trying to keep you from being bored. But if he goes more than say, 3 days without giving you a new box, poop on his pillow. He’ll deserve it.

Dear Max, I just a widdle bitty kitten and two of my pointy teeths fell out! Am I going lose my hair next? Is this what they call a midwife crisis? Love, Dio. Pee Ess, Poppy is my big sister. She says you give good advice.

No worries! Dood, your little pointy teeth falling out is a GOOD thing! It means that your BIG teeth are going to come in, and they’ll be even pointier! That means you can bite into tougher things. Meat. Crunchy treats. People skin. That’s important, being able to really bite into people things. Just don’t practice on Poppy. Big sisters are important allies, and you don’t wanna screw that up.

Max why can’t I climb the Chrissymas tree? It’s a tree! Inside my house!

Dood. Climb the tree. It’ll be fun, I promise. Oh, the people will get excited, but if they didn’t want you to climb a tree, they shouldn’t have brought one into the house and then made it all attractive by putting shiny things on it. It’s practically mandated that you climb it at least once.

See if you can arrange to have pictures taken of your climbing expedition, and then report back.

What happens if I eat my sparkly ball?

Glitter poop.

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Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday, Humor, Last Week

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of three books, "The PsychoKitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat," its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death," and "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats."

Comments (5)

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  1. GLITTER POOP! KEWL! :::::runs to nom a glitter ball:::::

    That’s soooooo freak mommy out. SCORE.

  2. TRIPPER says:

    HAY MAX IF U DON’T WUNT NELLIE I DON’T MIND SLOPPY SECONDS.

  3. Penelope says:

    Max,
    Your advice is the bestest! Thanks yous. Glitter Poop! Bwaa! Haa! Haa!
    Kisses
    Nellie
    PS Please tells Tripper me is NEVER EVER SLOPPY!

  4. Our angel brother kitty Butterscotch used to climb the tree, so mom won’t put one up anymore.

    We has a question for you:

    We has this foster kitten that everyone thinks we are keeping but mom keeps denying it but we suspect she is not telling the truth. Will we still get presents from santa paws if we kick him over the rail of the balcony so he doesn’t stay here?

    THANKS – the permanent residents of Random Felines