Ask Max: No Worries, Santa Is On Our Side, Doods

December 2, 2012 |

Dear Max,
I’ve had a set-back, nice/naughty list-wise. But I managed a single jump triple ricochet dog-Woman-Man half gainer to the floor on the other side of the bed! At 4am. But, dood, it was awesome! Then I kinda got caught on the counter where I *know* I’m not supposed to be, but something up there smelled interesting, like I might want it. But my hoomins aren’t thrilled with me today.
How can I make this up without actually being nice to them, before they report me to Santa?
~BratCat

No worries, dood. Santa is a really good guy, and he knows people well enough to understand that they are ripe with hyperbolic tendencies, so he tends to take what they say at slightly less than face value. They could tell him everything you did, and he’ll just assume they mean, “Oh, Brat Cat got on the counter,” and he would think to himself, “Well…so? You own bleach, don’t you? Just clean the farking counter and get over it!”

Really, he would, because Santa is all about personal responsibility and cleaning up kitty funk. He knows what’s up, and what’s up is that cats will get on things people don’t really want them to, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s harmless if some basic hygiene is in practice.

And if he believed it about the single jump triple ricochet dog-Woman-Man half gainer, dood, he’s just gonna be impressed. So no worries. Santa won’t leave you hanging.

Hi Max. I hope you can help me. I served my cats (Ari and Diana) expensive canned tuna today cause we were out of canned cat food. Guess what-they turned up their noses and refused to even taste it! I am talking about the uber expensive extra tasty stuff that I bought as a special treat. what is wrong with my kitties? I thought all kitties loved tuna .No, the can wasn’t expired either. what do you think?

Clearly, you served it to them wrong. With tuna, it’s very important to drain the liquid from the can and offer that to the kitties first. Kitties love tuna water. Once they have sampled the water, you must then get a clean crystal plate or serving bowl, and fork-flake the tuna into a desirable and palatable texture. If you did not properly fork-flake the tuna, or served it on some peasant-like cheap plate, of course the kitties will turn their noses up, because it was just all…wrong.

Or maybe they just don’t like tuna. I don’t like salmon, and my people think I’m odd for that.

But really? I bet you served it up 3 different wrong ways. And now you owe them a special treat. Steak might appease and soothe their hurt feelings.

Max, whut duz STFU meen?

Share Thy Funky Underpants

Srsly.

Would I lie to you?

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Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday, Last Week

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of three books, "The PsychoKitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat," its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death," and "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats."

Comments (3)

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  1. Miles Meezer says:

    Shake thy funky underpants!!! ::SNORT:: ::SNORT::

    Ok, on a serious note, Max I haf a prollem with mine the mom. See, I try and be a cool dood like you (mine hero) but mine the mom is constantly playing kissy face wif me and then I can’t help it I start playing kissy face back. And I run to her when she calls mine name. And also when she calls me Poosie. I can’t help it! What is wrong wif me? Why can’t I act aloof like a meezer is supposed to? I feel like a disgrace to the feline gender. (or is that species? I don’t know). – Miles “Poosie” Meezer

  2. Penelope says:

    Max,
    Does yous has a girlfriend?
    Kisses
    Nellie

  3. Spunky says:

    Hiyas Max dood!

    Now I noes you noe we kittehs all loves boxes. My peoples seem to get that pretty good, even tho my big bro and sissies don’t sit in them as much as I do. They check ‘em out a bit and then them forgit about ‘em but I loves boxes to hide in, play in and nap in. What I don’t git is why my Dad guy takes it away and gits rid of it without giving me a new one? Sometimes I have to wait, like DAYS for a new box to play wif! Mom guy alwayz tells him to leave it but no, he takes it away. What’s wrong wif Dad guy? Why is he mean?

    Thanks Max, you’re the best,
    Spunky Kazoo