Max, dood, why does meowmy always trys to kis me onna lips? I gotta strait arm her to keeps her lips away. I meen I don kno where her mouf has ben!
People seem to think lip kissing is a sign of affection…she’s really just saying, “hey, you’re spiffy,” but I don’t think people understand how gross the whole thing really is. I prefer head skritches, and if one MUST, kisses on top of my head. If you want to stop her—and this will take incredible effort and personal fortitude—let her see you kick your nether regions, then march right up and lick her on the lips. She’ll never try to kiss you there again.
Will I turn pink if I eat a lot of real live fresh dead shrimps? My hoomin staff lady says that is how flamingos get the pink color. I think I might look good as a pink and black tuxie.
Sadly, I don’t think your furs will turn pink. It would be AWESOME if they did, but I think the best you can expect is for the skin under your fur to pink up a bit. Still…it’s worth a try. The worst thing that will happen is that you’ll get to eat a lot of real live fresh dead shrimp, and that’s always a good thing!
MAX! Apparently I have something called “cute” all over my body. I don’t know how it got there. Should I be concerned?
Naw. Enjoy it. It means people will look at you and go awwww. And then when you’re older, it means you’re all handsome and studly, and that’s a sweet way to go through life. Trust me on that. I know.
HAY MAX HOW DO I MAKE FLAMES SHOOT OUT MY BUTT? MY LADEY WON’T LET THE TRIPPERDOWN MAN EET MESKIN FOOD.
Indian food, dood. If you can’t get your paws on some premium Mexican food, get some Indian food. That oughta do it. And be sure someone gets video when the flames erupt. Pretty sure that will turn you into a You Tube sensation.
Dear Max, me was recently at a Valentine Ball. Somebody let a whole bunch of squirrels loose and me almost killed one of them… Since me gots back home, me has felt like me is being watched… do yous thinks me is being squirrel stalked?
Oh, Nellie, you need to watch your back. I think the Squirrel Mafia is after you. Gather a bunch of nuts—they really like unshelled pecans—and leave them in a pile by your back door. Perhaps this offering will appease them, and you’ll be able to relax.
Well, relax a little. Once they know you have nuts for them, they’re gonna come back and knock on the door, but they’ll be nice because, hey, you got nuts.
Max, how does I get a people to stop singing?
Go dig around in the litter box and get your paws nice and dusty. Then, while they’re signing, jump up on their lap, and cover their mouth with your nice, freshly-litter-dusted feets. That should do it.