Ask Max Monday: #7 Is The Lucky One

Ask Max Monday

Max, Dood, who does I need to talk to about getting some pigs to fly over mine house so that I can go down into the dungeon and eat the christmas wreath? It’s raelly very tasty but for some reason the mom wants to deny me this one simple pleasure in mine life, but apparently, according to the mom, I can only do this when there is bacon flying over mine house.

There’s this guy named Oscar who’s in the bacon business and he would probably be able to help. He’s a purveyor of fine things of the real live fresh dead variety and sells them in convenient pre-cooked packages, and several of those meats are bacon in different varieties like thick cut and center cut and Applewood and peppercorn, and they’re all delicious. I highly recommend his meats on a daily basis, because they do nothing but make you happy.

Oh wait. There was a question.

Yeah, go get some of his meats and look on the back. Last name is Mayer. His number is there. Give him a call and he’ll surely drive over and chuck a bunch over your house, which will open the portal to your basement and the delicious Christmas wreath.

Dear Max, where are the good TV shows? We keep looking for them but all we see are men is baggy shorts playing with balls.

It’s that time of year again, dood. March Madness. It’s when all the college sportsball teams get together and collude to ruin TV for the entire United States. You know what the madness is? IT DOESN’T END UNTIL APRIL!

Max, how many times are people allowed to make a kitty move? We’re tired of going back and forth between here and the states and we just want to stay still for a while.

Well, based on my experience, people stop invoking the M-word after move #7. I think after that, they have to buy you your own house and can never force you to move again. That is how it worked out for me, after all, and I’m pretty sure my people would have just kept right on checking out new places otherwise.

Max is there a way to get mine brother to stop sniffin my butt all the time?

Fart on him.



He’ll leave you alone after that. Try to make sure his mouth is open for maximum effect.

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

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  1. wait – they sell all SORTS of bacon??? how did we not know this?? and our mom isn’t even one of those vegetable peoples


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