Ask Max Monday: He Ain’t Heavy But I Want Him Off My Head

Max – how come my mom keeps torturing me by putting something around my neck? I keep taking it off, and she keeps putting it back on. She says I’m not allowed to be nekkid yet. Why not? And why does goody-four-shoes Flynn not mind the torture device?

Quinn

People get weirdly obsessive about neck thingies. Look at them, for instance. Every day people put thigs around their necks—ties and shiny things and for some reason I can’t fathom, studded chokers—and then they go outside and get in their machines and go to work. I think they do it because it makes them stand out, and people are little sacks of fleshy attention whores in need of validation. So they pick special colors and shades of shiny, just to make themselves look business like and important.

Now, they already know we’re important and we don’t NEED those things, but they stick them on us anyway. Maybe they think they’re helping? I dunno…I suspect it’s a significant case of projection, done on a collective level. I’m not sure it’s worth fighting them over, because they’re bigger and they will win. Besides, a lot of the time they add dangling stuff that has our name and address, which is a really handy thing if you’ve gotten out of the house and gone on a raging nip bender, and can’t remember where you belong.

Flynn probably doesn’t mind because he needs the validation that having something around his neck will bring.

Oh, it just occurred to me that maybe you don’t mean decorative neck thingies, but post-surgical neck thingies.

That’s just to keep you from licking the spot where your balls used to be, dood. They feel guilty because they robbed you of future fun things, and they’re also a little jealous that you’re that bendy and they’re not.

MAX WHY WON’T YOU TELL US WHAT WICK LOOKS LIKE?

DOOD WHY WON’T YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR?

Max, I’ve been watching the news wth my mom and dad this week, and I figure you can answer the question they kleep asking. What’s wrong with people???

Dood…if I started that list, it would blow through everyone’s data plans and bandwidth. But it all boils down to this: they’re not cats. Really, that’s it. They’re not cats.

Dear Max,

I have a new little brother, he’s 4 months old, and he will not stay still unless he’s asleep, and when he wants to sleep, he plops down ON MY HEAD. Why? Why does he do this?

Because he’s an annoying little brother, and that’s his job.

MAX! The kids have gone back to school! Will you tell everyone I’m having a house trashing party and they’re all invited? There will be snacks and games! Monday night, 8 pm until curfew Luv, Lucifer

HEY EVERYONE PARTY AT LUCIFER’S HOUSE. BE THERE OR BE SQUARE. Or round, I don’t care, be whatever shape you want. Just don’t pee in the snack bowls. Or the water fountain. Or on his mom’s carpet, because she’ll get super annoyed and send everyone home.

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Hoohaahaa! Max, you are very wise…and hilarious at the same time!

  2. Hey Max….

    So the foster lady shut me out of the foster room and then ran the sucky thing and then moved some other kittens in there and now I can’t get back in there. OK – so when I was in there I kept running out, but I thought that was MY room. She says it is just until I get some sort of surgery and then I can be adopted and in the mean time I need to leave that momma cat and her kittens alone.

    What the heck? Thanks – Bacall

  3. Valentine says:

    Mom likes to put things around my neck, too, even though she knows they give me the itches. Luckily, they don’t stay on long before she realizes that I’ve created a few bald patches from itching. I do have a microchip if I were to get out. I have never had to wear one of those “cones of shame.” Thank goodness! Have you had to wear one of those before, Max? That party at Lucifer’s house sounds like a blast! Mew Mew!

  4. Gustav says:

    Hay Max! I werk reely hard gittin mah stink on stuff arownd the house. It is a BIG JOB! If I’s not nappin’ I’s rubbin the wall corners and da fernicher and the carpit. But DANG! Da peeps come thru and take mah stinks away. They run the toy sukker upper masheen all over da place and wash stuff, and then I have to start all over agin. Mah brudder kalls me Sissyfuss, wich I don’t like acuz I am a MANCAT, not a pantywaste. How can I git the peeps to leeve mah smells ALONE!

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