Ask Max Monday: Ain’t No Party Like A House Trashing Party

Ask Max Monday

Deer Max, my moms woz holding me the other day and she sed, “Dio, you need a baf!” Well, okay den. Itz not eben my birfday but I’m gonna git sumpin! Now I haf to keep an eye out the window for the Amamamazon man in da brown truck to bring me my baf. Iz it sumpin I kin eat?! I don’t rilly no wot a baf is but my moms sounded Xcited by it. Love and licks, Dio

Oh. Dood. Um.

Well, you know how you lick yourself to get clean? THAT’S a bath. So clearly, your mom is planning on pinning you down and licking you clean. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but…I mean, ew. It won’t hurt or anything but you’re gonna get covered in people spit and that’s rather unpleasant.

On the upside, she’d probably gonna get a hairball, so you get to watch her try to hork that puppy up.

Please video that. The rest of us NEED to see it happen.

Hi Max. What are your tips for keeping cool this summer? Me I’m oft found out at night basking in the cool moonlight, and in the day under a hedge or if I’m particularly fed up I just sits on the flagstones in the hall. Trouble with that is Mrs H trips over me so not recommended!

Toodle pips

I highly recommend staying inside with the cold air thingy blowing. If you don’t have a cold air blowing thingy, I highly recommend that you get one. If you don’t have the money for one, I highly recommend taking your person’s credit card and ordering one from Amazon, because they have everything.

Dear Max,

My mommie bought me the stupid Mousie Chase game for her kindle fire. I kep looking under it for the mousie and she decided I was a genius cat and it was too easy for me. She didn’t bother me with it any more.

We love artichokes here. Dood, they are Soooo Good! We get to have artichokes with butter! We feel sorry for you that you don’t get any. She gives one “leaf” each. That’s a whole lot of them on one artichoke so she gets the rest.

Are they any kinds of foods we kittehs should not eat? We can’t have onions or garlic or chocolate. Are there any other good stuff for humans we should not eat? Hopefully there are not too many. We love sneaking human foods!

Thank you, oh Handsome Max!


Well, in addition to the onions, garlic, and chocolate, people shouldn’t give their cats booze, caffeine, grapes, raisins, or dairy. Nuts and mushrooms are probably not a great idea, either. Oh, and things that have certain sweeteners in them, like xylitol, can be deadly, so avoid those.

I get real live fresh dead steak and shrimp as treats, so I don’t think I’m losing out by not getting artichoke, but I think my people might be missing out on something. They’re really boring, food-wise, though. I was offered a bite of potato today, swimming in butter, which I might have enjoyed but I knew there was steak waiting, so I turned it down.

Dear Max, what I meant was what would happen if Buddha went to the Rainbow Bridge. We have a cat named Max and he lost his brother recently. He stays on the couch where Max used to sit. I know you like make fun of Buddha but I know you really care for him.

Okay, truths…I knew what you were asking but no one really wants to know the answer. Because the honest answer is that if Buddah dies before I do, I’ll notice he’s not there, at first, but after that I won’t care. In fact, my life will get exponentially calmer. I won’t have to double check before I go down the hall, I won’t have to worry about getting attacked in the litter box, I won’t have to worry that he’ll just completely lose his chit for no discernible reason and sink his teeth into my neck.

I think my people will be upset and they’ll miss him a lot. But I won’t. I know no one wants to hear that, but it is what it is. I don’t like him, he’s mean, and if he goes before I do, I’ll have a chance to just relax for the first time in years.

That’s not gonna happen, I’m sure I’ll go first, but there it is.

Max, we’re interested in your politics. Which party do you favor?

Whichever party has a buffet of real live fresh dead delicious things, niptinis, a roaring fireplace with squishy beds, music, and more dead delicious things. Those are the best parties, especially when the people aren’t home and we can totally trash the place.

Got a question for me?
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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Erin the Cat says:

    Dear Max, I’m not sure of your own personal circumstances, but I have a boyfriend who is many many miles away. Trouble is there is NO way I can get to him in USA, or he to me, in UK. We communicate via email and blogs which is excellent, and we exchange gifts too but wonder if there is another way? Can you ask your date, the new Dr Who, if there is some way she can help us get together for, well, you know, the usual thing… mice and cheese and niptini parties etc
    Toodle pips and purrs

  2. Artichokes are DA BOMB, but we don’t do the butter thang…The Hubby roasts them and stuff, then mixes the pieces into salads and pasta and such. No cat has wanted to try them…oh well! Max, you are right about the air-conditioning; best to have it, and stay in it!

  3. We don’t really have a question we just thought you should know that the stupid foster puppy chewed up mom’s copy of “Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death”. Oh, maybe we do have a question. We are getting a new sisfur, we loved having sisfurs and truly, really miss Zippy and Sadie. Do you think the new sisfur will be as good as our old sisfurs? We know she won’t be the same, but, is having a new sisfur a good idea?

  4. Miles Meezer says:

    Hi Max
    I know what you mean about Buddah going to the bridge before you. I know I’m going to be going soon, but if by some chance Nicky would go, I would not miss him for the same reasons you would not miss Buddah. It’s cool dood.


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