Ask Max Monday: A Biker By Any Other Name

Ask Max Monday

Max dood, I want to go out, make Mommy let me out. Maybe I’ll find Billy out there?

Naw, dood, you need to stay inside where there are no introoder kitties or dogs, or worse…VISHUS DEER. You’re gonna hook up with Billy one day, but don’t be in too much of a hurry. If you go outside looking for him it’s going to worry your mom like crazy, like so crazy she might hork up her toenails and cry until her chion is covered in snot. And no one wants to see that.

I know you want Billy, but you can stay inside and think awesome thoughts to him, and he’ll hear. Eventually you’ll find out where he is and can party hard with him…just not yet, ok?

Max, the ladey keeps calling me Reno McBeano. I hate it. It is NOT my name, and I obviussly unable to stop farts, and if yoo don’t beeleeve me, just stop by sum nite and sit next to the mister after a messkin meel. (do NOT go under the covers in bed with him after messkin dinner, cuz it’s like a dutch oven.) How do I git the ladey to be more reespektfull to me, and address me more appropreeutly, like maybe “Yer Hiness”?

EMBRACE IT! Reno McBeano is an AWESOME name. It’s like a biker name, one of the giant hairy doods that ride massive rumbly bikes at stupid fast speeds on the Interstate and make lesser men pee themselves a little bit when they zoom by. It tells the ladies that you know your chit, and they love a dood who knows his chit, especially when he’s alliterative. And that name is totally alliterative.

And it could be worse. This week Buddah is BoogerButt. BOOGERBUTT!!! Hahahahaha.

One of my kitties decided to go to the Bridge while I was out of the country. The Lady Who Sits On Cats tried to make him well, but his congestive heart failure was too much and the medicine couldn’t save Mickey. The letter you wrote about the reunion being glorious really helped me a lot, but I still feel like I let him down by not being there, even though there was no way to know he’d be leaving.

My friend was with him at the stabby place, so Mickey at least had someone he knew and loved. I guess my question is, how do I forgive myself for not being there?



Tell ya what. Mickey knew, without a doubt, that you did everything you could for him. We’re pretty astute that way. Even when we’re 6 kinds of hissed off that we have to go to the stabby place and take drugs to make us better, even when we just want to be left alone but some person is invading out personal space with temperature thingies that literally go UP THE WAZOO, we know how much we’re loved and how badly our people want to do the right thing for us.

You also made sure that the person taking care of him while you were gone was someone he loved and was comfortable with—that might be the most important thing of all. He wasn’t scared. He trusted his caregiver. And it was just time. By being in a situation he was comfortable with, he knew he was going at the right time.

I promise you, he didn’t feel let down. He let go; he went surrounded by love, and he knew that one day he’d be with you again, and that’s the most important thing.

I don’t mean to suggest he didn’t need you; what he needed was a safe and loving situation, and you gave that to him. YOU gave that to him. He knew it, too. And if it were me, I’d tell you this: it’s okay. It honestly is okay. I’m free, and I’m gonna see you again.



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Category: Ask Max Monday

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Sandy says:

    I need some help understanding my cat. He sticks his head under my hand so I assume he wants to be petted. I only pet him a few times because it seems like too many times results in him swatting me. When he plops himself on top of my newspaper, he can get irritated if I pet him. I assume that he likes me enough to be near me or does it just mean he’s messing with me? Am I supposed to just worship him while he graces me with his presence?

  2. We gotted some new foster kittens. Due to space issues, they are in the bathroom and we haven’t seen them yet. The mom says they are black and white and when she goes in there she says “moo”. Has she lost her mind or are there really NOT kittens in there? THANKS.

  3. Forest Rump says:

    Hay Max, I’m a big fan with an importunt kweshchun: Why don’t they let cats play in the Stanley Kup??? I’m a demon with those plastic milk tabs on the kitchen floor and I know I kud skore more goles than anybudy. so wut givs?


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