Ask Max Monday: California COOL

Ask Max Monday


I did it for free, dood! I mean, look at me. I AM STUNNING! And now everyone knows I mean business when I tell them to back off or I’ll wear their asterisk for a hat, because now there’s proof.

Max i haff a sichuayshun that may rekwire PETA innervenshun. Yoo see, this yeer we got TOFURKEY for thanksgiving. I did NOT give thanks for that spongey tasteless wreck of wet kardbord. Shoodn’t thare be worning labels so you can kloo in to the fakt that this stuff tastles like DOG poop. Can we ketch the guy hoo invented tofurkey and string him up so no other kittehs ever git subjeketed to it?

Oh, man, that’s just sad. People Eating Tasty Animals might be worth contacting, because they might have stellar ideas on what to do about it. There could be a law or two on the books about giving fake turkey to a kitty. It would fall under a forgery statute, I think. Or maybe distribution with an intent to commit fraud. There are penalties for that.

If it helps, I didn’t get any real turkey, either.

I got steak.


Dear wise and wonderful Max

is it to soon to write to Santa Claws ?

We puerty sur wez been good this year .

 How closely does he go over that list of his?  If we are naughty in the middle of the night are we safe? Is he sleeping?

 About that “knows when you are sleeping or awake isn’t dat creepy?

you’re Canadian fans

Oakley and Sugar

Now is the perfect time to write Santa! He’s gearing up for making his final list and he needs to know that you have some wants. He’s pretty good at guessing, but it always helps to have his guesses confirmed.

And here’s a secret that people don’t want out: Santa is okay with it if you’re a little bit naughty. He understands. And he might know when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake, but he grasps that sometimes a kitty isn’t tired enough to sleep, so it’s cool with him. I don’t think he’s actively watching or anything. If he is…oh man, has he seen some things.

I might owe him an apology or two.

I know my people do.


Dear Bro Max:

My name is Kitten Kaboodles, but you may call me Kaboo. Or Boo, if we are best buds. I run a house with three other cats and two humans who are pretty old and no longer have to leave for the “job” and can now make nice laps (I don’t know who “the job” was, but I think it died a toothy death, because they are both a lot happier now that it’s gone).

Anyway. my MomHuman wants to get a tattoo, and says after I go to the Rainbow Bridge, because I’m her Best Friend and Soulmate, she’ll get a big tattoo of ME right on her left softpillow, just above her heart. She hopes it’ll hurt some, because she believes she should cry when she’s getting it. Now, I told her I’d see her at the Bridge eventually, but she insists the crying part is important and she’s getting the tattoo. and that’s that.

My DadHuman says falling off his motorcycle hurt enough for him and he’s not getting anything pierced or tattooed.

What I want to know is, can cats get tattoos? Because if my Humans die and I get a tattoo of them, will it bring them back? I don’t think any of us are gonna die any time soon, but Mom says if Dad falls off his motorcycle one more damn time she’s gonna kill him and then I’ll have to bring him back. This is the Mom who thinks it’s fun to jump out of perfectly good airplanes, which I don’t even know what it means but I don’t think I wanna do it. Yeah, they’re weird, but they’re mine.

So, can a tattoo do all that? And where should I get one, because I’m a Maine Coon and have a LOT of very beautiful fur, and if I get a tattoo I want the other cats to see it. It’ll make them jealous.

Your friend, Boo

Sent by Boo’s Human, Kris Aaron, who found it on her laptop one morning

Well…cats can get tattooed, but it requires getting shaved, and also getting sedated, so it’s probably not the best idea because the sedation comes with risks. And in the end, it won’t bring them back.

People get tattoos of us to help keep our memories alive, but that doesn’t bring us back either. And we wouldn’t want that—I’m pretty sure once I get to the Bridge I’m gonna want to stay because it will be an awesome place. Getting a tattoo of a believed pet lets them look at it and get warm fuzzy feelings; if you or I got one, the furs would grow back and we wouldn’t be able to see it.

The Woman already has a tattoo of me, and she has one that looks a bit like Buddah that is supposed to be more of his spirit than anything else. She didn’t want to wait for us to be gone to get them. Now we get to rub against her, and get our funk on the tattoos, and she’ll always know that there’s actual pieces of us on them. Other people take a tiny little bit of the ashes of their pets and get that put into the tattoo ink, so that it’s 100% for real there.

But, yeah, I don’t recommend a cat getting tattooed. It’s just way more dangerous than it is for people.

Hey Max. We moved to California from New York and I gotta ask, where the heck is winter???

It was outlawed in CA back in 1937 as part of the California Outlook Overview Legislation movement. That was a law designed to make the state a desirable place to live year-round, and enacted programs that got a bunch of trees planted, beaches cleaned, and this really nifty thermostat installed that keeps it from getting cold enough to snow, except in the mountains, because the mountain snows turn into drinkable water later.

I, for one, am grateful for COOL because it means I never have to wear a jacket.

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Patricia Sullivan says:

    Dear Max, We agree about the tofurkey (go barfy), and no, please no tattoos for peeps or kitties. Why tamper with purrfection?!

  2. Dookey says:

    Max, tell thoze Canada cats that SANTA CAN SEE THEM FRUM HIS HOWSE! So no notty bizniss until December 26th!

  3. Lincoln says:

    Max, whuts a tale for? My bruther thwaps his in my face then gits all hissy win I try to kill it. If its not fur playin or killin, whuts it for?


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