Ask Max Monday: Cheese, Please

Ask Max Monday

Max, I just finished reading your poetry book. You dictate so well. I was crying by the end though, even though you probably don’t want that. How did the woman manage to type your poems as I assume she often took breaks to laugh or cry?

The Woman has a cold, black heart and nothing I do affects her. It’s like dictating to a stone wall. Or maybe it’s just that she’s used to me…She did laugh a lot with my last book, and even cried every time she read certain passages. We’re working on one now and she totally snort-laughed so hard once, I think her face broke. Unfortunately, the thing she laughed at probably has to be edited out, but it was still funny.

Max dood. Mine bestest furriend and big brofur, the Orinch Meniss, wented to the Bridge last week and mommy is still crying. Is it ok if I do some of the following to make her feel better:

  1. Start calling her Mom Lady Person like he did – she liked it. Although I like calling her mommy.
  2. Run out of the house whenever the door is opened like he did.

I would try and sit in the bathtub like he did, because the mom would squeal every time she picked him up because his feets and butt were wet, but I don’t know about actually GETTING wet. So maybe I can just throw water balloons at her? Or dump a bucket or something?

I would like to feel better too – so I jump on mine other brothers and bite them, but they just go screaming to her. What else can I do to make us all feel better?

Dood, I leaked super hard when I heard about Billy. He was awesome, and no one danced like he did. Before you change what you call your mom, test it out and see how she feels. I think it would be an awesome homage to Billy, but if it doesn’t feel right to HER, then just keep calling her Mommy. Sometimes people like stuff like that, but sometimes it’s just a reminder of what’s gone and it hurts too much to hear. Now, I like it, because it fits her…but let her think about how it makes her feel.

Oh, and no, don’t run outside. We all thought it was funny but that scares a person. A lot. I am in favor of water balloons, because those are always funny, but they’re kinda hard to fill when you have claws. You start getting water into one and then it’s leaking all over the place and you get wet whether you want to or not. Oh! Maybe just learn how to turn the shower on! That will remind her of Billy and make her smile, even if you do it at three in the morning.

But really, dood, it just takes time. You’re gonna get to see him on the flipside, and he’s having an awesome time with all his friends who are already there and with the cats who came before him, so try to focus on that. He’s fine where he is, and happy, and you’ll all be together again, even if it is a long, long time away.

Hay, Max, I have diskuverd I’m a chess prodijey. I can nok down ALL of the little soljers, and put sum of them in back of the teevee. But sumbuddy keeps putting them bak so I have to go nok em bak down agin. It’s gittin annoying. Duz nobuddy respekt my werk?

Dood, they totally respect your work, but chess is a game and they’re playing it with you. Now that you can get pieces behind the TV, it’s time to up your game. Scatter the pieces throughout the house and make your opponent WORK for it. First person to hide all their pieces and they aren’t found within 3 days wins.

Oh, and I totally thought at first that you said you were a cheese prodigy, and was thinking, well DUH, who amongst us isn’t?

And now I want cheese.

 

Tags: , ,

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (9)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Miles Meezer says:

    Max, the mom totally wants to write a book about Sammy (why I haf no idea, he’s BORING) – about maybe him being a farmer cat and driving tractors and stuff. PLEASE tell her that’s a STOOPID idea.

  2. Patricia Sullivan says:

    Max, we love the “cheese” game. Putting the pieces all over the house is what we cats are made to do!! Puts a really nice spin on an ancient game. Thanks, buddy!

  3. Reno says:

    Hay Max, the next time yer peeps abandun you, can you throw a big pawty and invite us all?

  4. Bella Karasik says:

    Dear Max,
    My human is reading your new book. If I send it to you will you pawtograph it? The only problem is she bought the Kindle version so I’ll have to send you her IPad to sign. I”ll send it next day air. Can you give me your address, and I’ll give you her passwords in case you want to do a little shopping for some treats. Oops got to go, she came in the room.

    Love,
    Bella

  5. Miles Meezer says:

    MAX MAX!! Where is your column this week??? Inquiring minds want to know!!

  6. Reno says:

    Hay Max, I got an oringe face, reely small paws, and I think my peeps shood bild a huge fense to keep the coonz and fart boms owt. It wood be a tremenduss fense. Can I run for prezident?

  7. 10/5/2016 @ 16:53:50 says good work mousebreath.com!

  8. Rob Carucci says:

    I generally agree with your take on this subject and look forward to additional posts and comments here at mousebreath.com. Thanks!

  9. Many thanks for the inspiring site you’ve set up at mousebreath.com. Your enthusiastic take on the subject is absolutely contagious. Thanks again!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers