Ask Max Monday: CHONK IS LIFE

Hi Max, Mahm sez I make a better door than a windo. Wut duz dat mean?! (Dis jennerly happen in bed rite befor she deeside I dont get to sit on her buhk or nekk or teevee stan no more.) Fanks, Gracie

It means you’re fat, dood.

Large and in charge.

A Chonky Kitty.

Don’t take it badly; I am too. Ok, well, I was, now I’m kinda skinny on the back and and tiny-chonky on the front, but I remember the days of being told exactly that, and I OWNED it. Go ahead, get in her way! Make her work to see the TV or her book!

LIFE IS CHONK!

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Hi Max!  My name is Skittles and my Meowme is itching to cut my nails something awful.  I don’t like to be picked up – I will snuggle next to her and let her pet me – but as soon as I feel that she is trying to sneak her way into holding me – I bolt — faster than lightening – and I am very strong.  Truthfully, my nails are too long – and I don’t want to hurt my brother Winter when we play (he also has nails – but he lets Meowme cut them). We have only lived here for 8 months – so we are still kinda new.  When do think a good time would be to get my claws clipped and how can I get over my phobia of being picked up?

Thanks!

Love,

Skittles

Do you make that clicky clicky clicky sound when you walk? Are you catching on furniture and people clothes? Do people grunt “ow” when you walk across their faces in the middle of the night?

If yes, then it’s time.

Some kitties never like getting held, and in that case it’s worth paying the stabby people to do it. That might even be a good way to test out a new stabby place—if they’re super nice about clipping claws and listen carefully to why you hate it, they might be a good candidat for your other stabby needs.

Now Buddah, he HATED getting his clipped. Like, the Man had to sneak up when he was asleep and get one or two, then wait another day to clip another. But in the last year, he’s let them do it if they adhere to his rules: he has to sit on the Woman’s lap like he’s a two year old sticky person, and she has to plant lots of kisses on his head while telling him he’s a good boy, and while that disgusting display is going on, the Man can clip his claws.

It’s disturbing, really.

But maybe your Mom can help you learn to like getting held. Like, pick you up for a short hug, then give you a treat. Later, another hug, then a treat. If she builds on it, you might decide it’s okay as long as you get a treat after. And if you let her clip your claws, you get ALL the treats.

I don’t like it no matter what, but I only have back claws and the Woman holds me tight enough that there’s not much I can do except growl. And I do, I growl the whole time, but the Man is quick about it.

I haven’t bit anyone over it.

Yet.

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Oooh, sounds like I need to move to Costco land, for sure; where is that exactly as I can’t see it on the map of upper Much-Mousing? As to the Big S, I know he will have his paws on circumstance and will drop in where most needed.

Purrs

Erin

Oh, dood, Costo is EVERYWHERE. Google it, like, “Costco near me” and you’ll find it. Chances are, it’s right off the Interstate, right between Lots Of Food Things and Lots Of Other Shopping. It might be labeled under “Consumer Nirvana.”

Oh, and I’m told a churro at the food court is a must.

I don’t even know what that is, and I want one.

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Friend Max,  As you and your human love the Dr. soooo much, has she gotten you any Dr. Who computer or board games yet?  If she hasn’t, check them out at Legacy Games.  I bet you could have lotsa fun with them.  …your friend Gracie.

THERE ARE GAMES??? Why did I never know this?

Oh, yeah, I don’t get as much time on the computer as I like. We do have Doctor Who Monopoly (2 sets, I think, which is funny since WE NEVER GET TO PLAY.)

I can’t complain too much. We do have a lot of really cool Who things in our office. That might have to suffice, since the people don’t play games that often.

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CHONK IS LIFE, DOODS.

Remember that.

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Got a question? Drop me a line at askmaxmonday@gmail.com or leave it in the comments here.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Max, I am sorry to hear that you don’t have your front claws; some of us are working hard to ban the declawing of cats. For so many years, there wasn’t enough research done on the repercussions of the surgery, but now we know how difficult it can be for cats, and want everyone to know that it’s not a good thing to do. I sincerely hope that you have no effects, and wish all kitties could live with all of their claws.

  2. KesterGayle says:

    There are groomers who will come to your home to trim claws as well as do other grooming tasks if needed. More and more vets make housecalls, too. In some communities there are vets whose entire practice is housecalls. These kinds of services are usually much less stressful for cats because they never have to leave home. And they are a miracle for disabled pet owners, some of whom might not be able to own a pet otherwise. I have found the prices to be very competitive.

  3. Erin the Cat says:

    Dear Max.
    Thanks for the Costco tip.
    Now as we liked your Christmas decoration post last week, we got to wondering what we would celebrate if, heaven forbid, Christmas didn’t exist. Also how we would celebrate the alternative. What would be your idea of a celebration and how would you celebrate it?
    Purrs
    ERin

  4. Kaydeedoo says:

    Max, who is Timmy, and why is he in the well?

    Whenever I try to remind my people that it has been 37 minutes since I’ve eaten and I am about to die of starvation, I yell it at the top of my lungs cuz they’re old and they ignore me half the time. And then they say, “What’s the matter, KD? Is Timmy in the well?

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