Ask Max Monday

All right, peoples of the United States. Tuesday is the mid-term vote. You know what to do.

If you haven't voted early, get it done. If you care about your country, you'll suck it up and go, even if you don't think your vote counts.

You are so spoiled Max, but thats okay I like your columns. My cats still get the dry stuff. Am I a bad mom? They dont like people food.

You know what the best food for your pet is?

It’s the food that they’ll eat.

Wet food is generally touted as being better, and there are people who swear by a raw diet, but millions of kitties have survived a life time of dry food, and they’ve thrived. If they like what you give them and they’re healthy, all is well. And it’s good that they don’t like people food. As much as I love real live fresh dead delicious things, people food is for people, and the People kinda regret ever letting me have a taste. I mean, I learned pretty quick that I’d only get a bite if I behaved and didn’t beg, but I still sit there and stare at them while they have dinner.

The only real upside is that my love of steak means they have a way to medicate me, because shoving a pill down my throat is not happening and I can smell it when they try to hide it in my food. But if Buddah ever has to get pills? He loves crunchy treats way more than people food, and they’ll be able to use those for him.

So…you’re not a bad cat mom for feeding dry. Not even close.

We are having the palace modified a possible new wing, and the kitchen done over. I'm not sure what it did to warrant that but apparently, it's all the rage. Now, what would be your favourite top ten alterations to your home or palace? Maybe top ten alterations to your staff, too!

My favorite thing would be to not have anything altered. I mean, I went through a kitchen renovation and that was enough. I like the results, but the noise and dust and especially being locked in a bedroom all day with Buddah was zero fun. All I want is to have peace and quiet and for things to be left where they belong.

Well, if I could get a little house out back where Buddah could move to, that would be ideal. Divine, even. I wish the people would buy me a winning lottery ticket so I could make that happen.

Are you planning to add a whappy paw to your neverending stare?  Methinks it might earn some extra treats or food!

Over the years, I’ve learned that when The Stare isn’t enough, being cute works a little more than being demanding. Lately I’ve taken to sitting as close to the Woman as I can, and I tap her on the shoulder with my paw. If I meow softly, she gets all, “Oh, what is it you need?” and she tries really hard to figure it out. Just today, I got her to scoop the litter box, turn some lights on for me, and crunchy treats. In a little while, I’ll use that power to get something dead and delicious to snack on.

I’ll keep the whappy paw in mind, though. She might need a serious slap into sanity at some point.

Max, lets play da prise iz rite. Wut do you fink its wurf to da fud lady vat I don't skrach her new cowch? She a liddle too happeh wif it. 

I alreddy standed on da cowner all morning making eye contack to remine her its innernashunul cat day. I did not get no rotussery chucken like I aksed for, so I fink dat cowsh is ded meeet.


Dood. Remember when contemplating total destruction: she has the opposable thumbs, a car, and quite possibly a stabby person on speed dial. Shredding the couch is a good way to get a person to contemplate the horror of having your claws clipped to useless nubs. Or worse… they’ll glue cute little claw caps on. And then everyone will have to make fun of you.

Not that *I* would, but you know how others are.

Okay, I totally would. Unless you got hot pink ones. I would enjoy hot pink ones, I think.

If it were me, I’d stretch out on the new couch and get my furs and my funk all over it. See how she likes it when it’s obviously YOURS and no longer HERS.

Max of Awesome Stares,

Mommy took me to the shabby place for what she calls a mani/pedi and oil spot for me. This time she brought with sticky strips and a stamped envelope. The assistant shabby girl who gives me the mani/pedi and oil spot( for ticks and fleas, as if those filthy vermin would dare touch me) took one sticky strip and pressed it down my back towards my tail and the ripped it off! Then she did the same with another sticky strip. You should have seen all my glorious shiny fur stuck to them! They then put the furry strips into the envelope and dropped it in the mail! Now some unknown being has my glorious shiny fur! It was a loud horrible noise after already having my perfectly sharpened nails being clipped off. Mommy and assistant shabby person talked about that being the first kitty DNA collection they've done. What's DNA, Max? Why do they want it? Will I see my glorious shiny fur again? Has anyone done that to you, Max? 

Your Fan,

Puddzee Pye

DNA is human-speak for Do Need Answers, usually regarding all the thingies in your body that have clues about where you came from and what specific breeds your ancestors were. I’m not sure why they need to know exactly, when it’s pretty clear that we all come from tigers and panthers. I mean, all they have to do is go to a zoo and drop a giant box down or take out the red dot…those big kitties go for it just as much as we do.

I suppose it might be interesting to find out things about your parents. Though I’m pretty sure mine were whores. There was some back-ally action going on, I think. And I’m cool with that. No judgement here.

And don’t worry, you’ll see your fur again…in two to three weeks. Just peek back there a little after Thanksgiving and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how it just snuck back in and attached itself to you. I’ve never had a wax-strip job before, but I’ve been rudely shaved, and damned if that’s not what happened. Naked skin and then -BAM- a couple weeks later, there it is again.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Oh Max, your answers today are excellent!  And yes, I'll be at the local poll first thing tomorrow morning, while The Hubby will wander up there some other time.  I have my choices written down, and hope we get some real good ones chosen in this lot!

  2. Laurel Glasco says:

    Thanks, Max! I did not know that DNA testing is available for cats!  I do not not need to know my best friend's ancestry, though. I would love them no matter where their ancestors came from or what medical conditions they might have.

  3. messymimi says:

    Great answers, especially about the couch.  Some ladies get extremely protective of new furniture.

  4. Puddzee Pye says:

    The DNA testing I had was mainly to help build the data base. The data base will help researchers to develop treatments for conditions that may not have one and to better understand our awesomeness. The side benefit is to see if I may have markers for something more serious that could develop. I'm not a purebred my ancestry is more like Max's my parents probably had a 1 night stand in an alley somewhere. I do have a sensitivity to vaccinations. My mum has to drop me off at the stabby place early so the stabby person can give me an extra stabby before vaccination stabby. Then I'm stuck at the stabby place all day so they can monitor me and make sure I can go home with my mum. My grandma tells me I have an important job, I'm an ESA. I'm not sure what that is but if Grandma states it's an important job to make sure my mum is okay. I'm not afraid to say I love my mum.

    Thanks, Max for letting me post that.

    Base paws is the company doing Kitty DNA data base.


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