Ask Max Monday: …but I was cool before cool was cool…

ASk Max Monday

Max I am almost a teenager and the human gives me a little milk sometimes. I also get the Creamy Delights Fancy Feasts which I ONLY eat the creamy sauce off of and the Fancy Feast people say it’s just a little dairy so it’s fine.

The human thinks “Creamy Delights” sounds dirty and she thinks the sauce looks gross. Two reasons it’s one of my favorite kinds to eat!

Also I am only six pounds and the foster lady said I can pretty much have whatever I want if I’ll eat it. Does anyone know where I can get an empanada?

Pretty sure you can get one in Mexico. It’s not too far; I looked on the map, and even if you’re all the way on the other side if the US from me, it’s, like, six inches from Maine to Mexico. Grab your person’s credit card and go!

Hay Max, we had a cupple of kreechers called GOTES at our house last week. They were big and made funny noises, but I kinda liked them. But they wint away after they ate all the weeds. So my qweschuns are: Why don't they berry thare poop? Why do they fart and belch so much? Why do they eat weeds and not hold out for steak or temptashuns?

They must be hipsters. It would totally be like a hipster goat to just eat grass and weeds instead of real food, like steak and crunchy treats. I bet they’re from San Francisco, too. That’s where a lot of the hipsters live, and they probably breed there, too.

Eating weeds and stuff accounts for all the gas, too. It gets in their stomach and sits there and ferments like the stuff people use to make beer, all bubbly and fizzy, and the only way to get rid of it is with elements of rudeness…what they can’t burp out just shoots through their guts and out the other end.

Now, I’m not sure about the whole not burying of poop thing. It’s got to be a hipster thing, like, I pooped outside before it was cool, so I’m gonna make sure you notice. I bet they had tiny little beards on their chins, too. That’s SO totally hipster.

Dear Max, our cat, Frank, who I mistakenly called by our late cat Max last week spends a lot of time sitting in the middle of the couch. This is where Max used to spend a lot of his time. I know he misses his brother. Why do you think he does this?  Steve L.

He can probably smell Max there. When the Cat Who Came Before Me, Dusty, went to the Bridge, the People gave her blanket to Hank the Dog, because he was wandering all over the house looking for her. Once he had that, it was like he knew where she was, and he spent the next six months sleeping on it (until I came to live with them.) The Woman says it wasn’t a sad thing; he seemed comforted by it. So maybe Frank smells his brother there and hanging out on that spot makes him feel better, like Dusty’s blanket did for Hank.

Hi Max!

I've been reading your columns for quite a while, this isn't actually a question, it's more like maybe some advice, so I'm not certain if this will get printed or not. But I'd like to make a suggestion for people's who's cats don't use the litterbox, and just seem to go pee in 1 spot all the time. First, by far, vinegar is the cheapest way to get rid of the smell of cat pee, i know there are things out like the orange stuff, I've tried that, never really worked for me, by far, vinegar has been the best, plus, it's cheaper. It might not seem like it will work, but it does, clean up cat pee, put vinegar on the spot, wait a couple min, wipe up, yes, the house will smell like vinegar, but only for a few minutes.

Second, for the people who have cats that seem to go in 1 spot and that spot only, wee wee pads for dogs, quick, easy, no mess clean up, I used those for my baby boy who died at the tender age of 20, and there were spots in the house he'd 'use', he actually used those and never even really noticed, like he had 1 spot in my mom's room for example, I put a wee wee pad there, he used it, because that's where he always pee'd, in the same spot. I had to put them all over the floor, mostly because he sometimes couldn't make it to the litterbox, (good use for older cats who can't climb in as well as they could) as an added bonus to that, for cats who like to go half in, half out of the box, putting wee wee pads with the outside rim under the box, to keep it from moving, and the actual pad outside, easy clean up, just remove, and replace. Having a bigger litterbox might help as well, like the under the bed size plastic tubs, no wheels, still keep using wee wee pads around the box, just in case. I've put a big plastic mat with a rim around it, under the tub as well, get 2 under the bed tubs, so when cleaning one (with dish soap) put the other out, same for mat, 2, so there's no missing box.

Might seem like a lot of work, but I love my guys (had 9, now I have 3) and every little thing I could think of that might work, I try it. Feliaway by the litterbox area helped with stress, for the most part, I had 1 who just couldn't control himself in the being mean dept, even with feliaway, try using different litter to see what they like the best. I hate it when people take their cats to the animal shelter and never even make an effort to try doing something different. I'm hoping these suggestions will help with that issue, the vinegar helped a friend of mine who's cat sprayed everywhere, she was skeptical, but she wrote back and couldn't believe it worked, 1 cat saved from the shelter! I had we wee pads all over the floor in my living room and by my front door, but for my baby who, at that ripe age of 20, couldn't make it, it was worth it, and I'd do it again if I had to!

Thanks for letting me 'vent' and putting some suggestions on, that nobody has ever mentioned before, I'm really, really hoping it helps others!!


100% cat lover!

I appreciate the advice. However, I have to stress, if a kitty is going outside the box, it’s most important to take them to the stabby guy and see if there’s a physical reason behind it. Inappropriate elimination is often a symptom of urinary tract issues and requires medical attention.

Granted, some cats are like me…they use the box, but if a person tosses a towel on the floor and I see it, they can be 99% sure I’m gonna pee on it. Just because I can.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. ERin the cat says:

    Dear Max.

    Fell deeds have taken place in my grounds, and favourite hedge has been uprooted and dispossed of. Mrs H advises me it has been recycled, but not as anything useful as a hedge! and it doesn't make me feel any the better as I have now lost valuable hunting grounds for birds, and the mice just won't show as the holes are exposed. Mrs H says I could chase snails, but really, I mean come on, they are just not the same speed or fun as a mouse. What do you suggest I do to resolve the matter? Knitting isn't an option nor will bush planting be either.

    Toodle pips


  2. Casper says:

    Hay Max! Why duz the peeple keep steelin my fingernails? I get all nice and long and sharp and then klippity klip, there gon and I hafta grow them out from scratch. NOT FAIR!!!!!!

  3. *screams* Mom tried to eat my tail da other morning. Yes, I put my tail in her mouf while she was sleeping, but, she din't hafta close her mouf on it. Den she complained a'cuz she hadded a mouf full of fur. It's totally hur fawlt, right?


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