Ask Max Monday: Dash and Stash

Ask Max Monday

Max, my hooman has a noisy breffus masheen dat murders up bananas, spinnitch, oats, and meowlk into a gloopy paste dat she can drink. It lowt. It hurt my ears, and even tho she tells me she’s startin dat masheen and I shood go upstares, it tooo lowt. She yoosta eat hooman breffus soop, which is basikly hooman crunchies in meowlk. She has laktoes-free meowlk so I get to lik da soop bowl wen she dun, wich I like. I stan on her lap and put my nose over da bowl and full-on paw pressure on her blatter while she eet to remine her I get da last meowlks. I know dat hoomans have useless weak sad little teef dat can’t murder too good, but can I sabbataj dis masheen to make her go back to da kwiyet soop dat we shar? She look like she gettin enuff to eet. Fanks, Gracie

The only way I know to sabotage machines like that are to gnaw into the power cord—but I don’t recommend it because if it’s plugged in, you’re gonna have a bad time and maybe even turn into kitty cacciatore. Other than that, you’d have to push it off the counter…but it might not break. It might just go =CLANG= which is a guilty kind of loud that you can’t hide from.

I know the machine is loud, but have you tried the stuff she’s making it in? My people bought a machine that fries food without really frying food, and it’s super loud, but the stuff that comes out of it is delicious. Maybe the loudness is worth it if she’s getting something tasty out of it, but you’ll never know until you try it.

If she seems unwilling to share, a good head-butt to the bottom of the glass will send it flying and you can grab a taste before she cleans it up.

Max, you are so wise, and I think Buddah getting a lion cut is a great idea! What’s with all the horking?!?

Buddah has always barfed a lot, but the stabby people have never been able to figure out why. He’s healthy and his blood looks good, so they think he’s sensitive to some kinds of food. The people have tried a lot of different things and he horks less on the current food, but still…hork hork hork.

Honestly, I think he’s proud of it. I mean, who wouldn’t be? He’s painted almost all the furniture in the house.

Max, why isn’t there Grubhub or Door Dash for kitties?

Because we can’t drive, most likely.

Oh, you meant delivery. If you can use a phone and place an order, they’ll bring you food. Just tip well. Really well. I suggest you borrow your person’s credit card to facilitate things. And while you’re at it, score some premium nip online. You know, so you have a stash. Everyone needs a stash.

I need a stash.

Oh wait…I have one.

Y’all have a great week while I go play in it.

Got a question for me?

You can leave it in the comments below,

or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com

 

 

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. Angel seems to hork a little bit from time to time, and the vet people have never said ‘boo’ about it! She usually makes it to the area rug in time, but I’ve stepped in a wet spot here or there over the years! And I make The Hubby grind his coffee beans in the bathroom, with the door closed, ’cause it’s too loud for the ears of the kitties and me!

  2. Erin the Cat says:

    Wow, I never knew there were serial horkers out there; that sounds way too much like hard work, or a lot of really bad nights out are being had. Me, I very rarely hork honk or otherwise throw up anything. Maybe I am secretly Scottish and mean that way, or just value that food is in short supply. Anyways, lots of credit to the dude that can do it with pride and each and every part of the home. Clearly there is some inner interior designer wanting out . . .
    Purrs
    ERin

  3. Buddy Budd says:

    Max as usual right on target with your answers. We all hork from time at our house but Dad is used to this so misses steppin in it almost always. That he wheels around in his chair with wheels is kind of cheating we think. Anyhoo Rumpy really got him this weekend. He horked right next to the bed and when Dad got up Squish it went. My question is that Rumpy says he gets double points because Dad only has the one leg. What do you think?
    Time for my nappy, later
    Buddy Budd

  4. Buddy Budd says:

    Max as usual right on target with your answers. We all hork from time at our house but Dad is used to this so misses steppin in it almost always. That he wheels around in his chair with wheels is kind of cheating we think. Anyhoo Rumpy really got him this weekend. He horked right next to the bed and when Dad got up Squish it went. My question is that Rumpy says he gets double points because Dad only has the one leg. What do you think?
    Time for my nappy, later
    Buddy Budd

  5. Buddy Budd says:

    Dood
    Your blog got hiccups!
    Buddy Budd

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