Ask Max Monday: Do It For The Dead and Delicious Things

Dear Max.

Fell deeds have taken place in my grounds, and favourite hedge has been uprooted and dispossed of. Mrs H advises me it has been recycled, but not as anything useful as a hedge! and it doesn't make me feel any the better as I have now lost valuable hunting grounds for birds, and the mice just won't show as the holes are exposed. Mrs H says I could chase snails, but really, I mean come on, they are just not the same speed or fun as a mouse. What do you suggest I do to resolve the matter? Knitting isn't an option nor will bush planting be either.

Toodle pips


Well, if the people yanked out your bush without any regards to your needs, then they need to step up and take the place of all the things you lost because of it.

The people are now your prey.

Stalk them. Jump on them when they least expect it. Take them to the ground and nibble on their soft, salty, kinda gross fleshy parts. Draw a little blood, but not too much, because you don’t want to end them…they have the thumbs, after all.

Once they realize they are now the thing you’re going to occupy your time with, and that it kinda hurts, they’ll cough up another bush. It’ll be the most amazing hairball EVER.

Hay Max! Why duz the peeple keep steelin my fingernails? I get all nice and long and sharp and then klippity klip, there gon and I hafta grow them out from scratch. NOT FAIR!!!!!!

It’s totally not fair, but they think they have to do it because they clip their own nails, and they don’t like the way ours leave scratch marks behind on the things they love, like furniture and flooring and skin. Buddah often prevents the trimming of his by going bat crap crazy and squirming like a toddler getting out of the bath—and he’s just as slippery—and if that doesn’t work he gets all bitey.

Drawing blood seems to be a key part of convincing a person that they really want to top.

Now, I don’t really mind getting my back claws trimmed. I’m not a fan of the clicking sound they make on the cheap laminate floor, and if they get long enough they kinda hurt. But mostly, I don’t mind because after it’s over with, if I haven’t bitten anyone or growled, I get a treat.

Maybe suggest that to your people. If you cooperate with the clipping of the claws, they’ll give you a treat. I suggest something dead and delicious, like steak or shrimp. It’ll still suck because you have to go through the hassle of growing and sharpening them again, but dood….STEAK AND SHRIMP.

*screams* Mom tried to eat my tail da other morning. Yes, I put my tail in her mouf while she was sleeping, but, she din't hafta close her mouf on it. Den she complained a'cuz she hadded a mouf full of fur. It's totally hur fawlt, right?

That’s definitely all on her. It doesn’t even matter is she was asleep. When a kitty gives you a taste of fur, the polite thing to do is taste it, but holy fritos, don’t try to EAT it. It’s attached to skin, for Bast’s sake! I mean, come on. This isn’t Costco and that’s not a free sample! It’s just a taste.

Dear Max, how much people food is good for cats? We give Frank some but I worry that at his age, it might do more harm than good. My mother says to let him have it  because of his age. What do you think?

As long as it’s not toxic—like, nothing with onions or garlic or chocolate—tastes of people food is all right. Even in younger cats, as long as it’s not more than a taste, a little bit every day is okay. And when you get old…I totally agree, let him have it. Old men should get what they want.

Now, that doesn’t mean like make whole meals out of it. He’s still a cat and needs cat food, and too much people food will upset his stomach and could even wreak havoc with his gut, which will be wholly unpleasant for everyone in the vicinity of his litter box. Just a bite from your meal is fine. And for guys like me, who are on medication, people food is sometimes a way to get the pills down. I get steak every freaking day, twice a day, just to get me to take the pill. And then when the People have dinner, if it’s cat friendly, if I’m good and don’t jump on the table or beg, I get a bite.

Just a bite.

I’d say 97-98% of the things I eat every day are cat food. And I’m healthy, other than being 17.5 years old. So it’s clearly not hurting me, and the stabby lady thinks it’s fine. So if Frank is just old and still healthy and gets plenty of cat-specific food, yeah, let him have some people food.

Max, I wuv you!!!  Last week my human made me go the “stabby place” to get my teeth cleaned.  They knocked me out and then attacked my teeth without my permission.  I came home and felt fuzzy and out of sorts.  I was an abused feral kitten adopted by my human 11 years ago.  She is normally very nice except when she makes me leave the house.  Now she is telling me I need to go back the stabby place to have the vet check the cleaning.

How do I tell my human:

1.       I don’t need nor want my teeth cleaned, ever!!!

2.       I don’t want to leave my comfortable home, ever!!!

Help…. Luna

Look, I feel ya. I know how it is, hating to leave the house and not wanting to be anywhere near the stabby people and their instruments of horror, but dood. These are your teeth. You need them for nomming all the nommable things, and rendering human flesh to bloody strips of useless flesh. It sucks, but you gotta let the stabby people take a peek at those shiny clean teeth to make sure they didn’t miss anything.

Consider it part of a risk/benefit thing. Going outside is always risky and it sucks, but the benefit is stronger teeth and the ability to chomp a person to tears. Also, the better your teeth are, the later into your life you can eat things like real live fresh dead steak and chicken and fish and shrimp and Twinkies.

Tell her you’ll go willingly, but she owes you. She owes you in the form of warmed up dead things. Like steak. I suggest the ribeye. It’s delightful.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Pixel says:

    Tell us all , how is the new Doctor?  Some people are complaining about the accent.  What are you thoughts? 

  2. Max, Max, MAX!  You are spot-on with your advice, once again.  You are super-smart!

  3. messymimi says:

    Excellent advice. especially about making sure they regret taking the hedge.  Those are so needed!


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