Ask Max Monday: Denial is Totally an Option

[ 3 ] February 13, 2017 |

Ask Max Monday

Dear Max,

Iz a huge, long-hair kittay and my momz iz at her witz end with all the tanglez in my furz. She got a special comb thingy to get them out but they just come back. She tried rubbing me with a anti-cling sheet but it didn’t help much. Mom sez my furz is sooo fine it tanglez extra easy. Max, since you iz so smart, can you helps me out? What ken we do to get rid of da tanglez??

Miso/Sumo

Okay, I have super short fur, so I don’t get tangles. I don’t even get brushed because I get kinda toothy when the people try. So maybe my buds out there have an aswer.

What say ye, awesome doods. What can a kitty mom do to detangle?

Dear Max
We need some help for our mom person. Our triplet sister Velcor was very sick and had to leave us.
Is this bridge place fur-real? and will Velcro be waiting for our mom person and for us when it is our time?
Mom person is still very sad and if you tell her this bridge place is fur-real it may make her feel better.

Thanks furry much
Inky and Toots

For realz, I totally believe the Bridge is real. I wrote about it once for a special guy named Hershey…maybe it would help your mom to be able to read it. It was a few years ago, so she might not have seen it then. (Click here to read it.)

The thing is, we don’t get a lot of time here on earth. We just don’t. I don’t think people even get the time they need, and they get way more than we do. But because it’s so short, we get our reward after. It might not be an actual bridge, but it’s an amazing place where we get to do and be and see anything and everything we ever wanted—and when our people are ready, they come for us. That’s their heaven—all the furry people they loved and cared for will be there for them, too.

She’s gonna see Velcro again. And like I told Hersey…it will be glorious.

Deer Max

Wez got question a fur youse now dat youse showed uz your human lady wz want to know iz wez den de rulers of dis planet cause dey iz crazy.

Our human iz werid like you can  see from attached picture of her at her crossing guard corner. Dis was in public . You can share with our permission.

oakleymom-b

Wez grateful de little humans she crosses don’t know where wez lice.

Does wez have to  admit wez own her? Or can wez purrent wez don’t know her

You totally don’t have to admit to knowing her…unless you want something and she has the money for it. Then she’s the most awesome person ever.

Hi Max,

I hope you are doing well and are keeping warm and dry in the cold rainy weather.  I’m a man with a question only a cat can answer.  I’ve tried asking our three cats but they have answered me yet.  When I was young my cousin told me to never pick up his cat with one hand under the cat’s belly because it would stretch his guts and could seriously hurt him.  I believed him and I never pick up a cat that way.  My wife, who has had cats all her life, picks them up that way and they never complain.  She thinks I’m nuts about this.  Please tell me, Max.  Does it hurt when someone picks you up by one hand under your middle?

I suppose it depends on how big the cat is. I mean, if you weight 5 pounds, it’s not going to hurt. If you weigh 20 pounds, it might. It’s not going to stretch the cat’s innards at all, but there will be pressure. You want to spread that out as much as you can. The People pick me up with a hand on my chest, and as they lift the other goes under my back feet.

But yeah, thinking about it, a few times I’ve been carried down the hall one handed, but the long way, like between my legs. That doesn’t bother me at all, other than getting the good a little squished.

Trust me, if it hurt your kitty, you would know it either by the yowling or the sudden sinking of teeth into your flesh. Just don’t pick them up super fast…that would feel like getting punched, I think.

Max dood that woman says I’m a “gimp” and need stairs to get onto the bed. I would prefer an elevator. Any suggestions on how to get one?

Amazon. They sell everything.

But dood…think it through. Elevators have doors that slide shut and bite tails. Do you really want to step in, thinking you’re getting a cozy ride up, only to suffer an unexpected tailectomy? I’d want stairs…you can sneak up on a person that way. In fact, I have a cube near the bed, and because of the way the room is, it’s near the Woman’s face. I get to scare to bejeezus out of her, like, three times a week. It’s awesome.

I gots a qweschun….wuts the deel with gwakamoley? Humans reely seem to like it, but it is all green and chunky like someone horked up that geico gecko, and THERE IS NO BAYCON IN IT!!!! So why do they snarf it down so fast ??

I dunno, man. That stuff is not allowed in our house, because the Woman says she changed waaaaay too many diapers that looked exactly like it, and there’s no way she’s eating it.

Moving and getting exercise are impawtant Max! How come you didn’t hitch a ride?! Pat

With the Woman?

I’m not allowed outside, so…

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hits, "The Emperor of San Francisco" and "Ozoo" [The Wick Chronicles].

Comments (3)

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  1. Dear Miso/Sumo, have your pawrents tried the Furminator? It’s a fine-toothed comb/brush that if used very gently, starting at the outer edges and working in, will detangle you. Sometimes really bad tangles and mats need to be clipped with scissors so you start over with a short coat! Felix

  2. Max,

    We have this gingerbread house that one of the foster kittens has been trying to help Daiquiri destroy. Turns out mom used something called “duck tape” to keep the sides together. What kind of ducks do they use to make tape from?

    THANKS – Random Felines

  3. Sandy says:

    Connor gets some tangles (even worse, he gets some of his wet food onto his furry chest so when he sleeps on my head, he can smell like duck). His vet said a pin brush is the best way to deal with his kind of Maine Coon mix fur. She has Shelties so she should know what she’s talking about. I have a double sided brush so I start brushing with the regular brush side and then sneak in some brushies from the pin brush side. I try to brush everyday to reduce tangles and the worst part is that Connor drools on me while I’m brushing him.

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