Ask Max Monday: Doomed. DOOMED!

Ask Max Monday

Max….so our mom keeps taking the kittens places (and bringing her back). Then she went and bought…a STROLLER for her. What is wrong with those two??

I’ve had to think long and hard about this, because at one time the Woman also bought a stroller with the intent of taking Buddah and me on walks (but not together) and I bet you can guess how well that went. I think he finally got rid of it, because neither of us would get in it, and if she stuck us in, there were unpleasant consequences.

Now, I don’t think there’s anything *wrong* with either of them. A kitten doesn’t know any better and is just YAY I GET TO RIDE; the human is just being…human. They tend to see us as their own furry little offspring and it connects to their desire to nurture sticky things; a kitten and a stroller = a newborn creature + nurturing of a sort. Other people probably think it’s adorable and ooh and ahh over seeing a cat in a stroller, which gives both your human and the kitten warm fuzzy feelings.

As long as YOU’RE not forced into it and outside, it’s a good thing, right? The kitten gets dragged everywhere and you get to stay home where it’s nice and warm and safe from other people.

Max, why does my human ooh and aah over every other cat on the planet?

Seriously, Max!

What’s with that?  Aren’t we enough, plus they’ve got two other outside cats besides.  That’s FIVE cats of their own, and still they make kissy noises at other felines, and chat about cats and stuff on the interwebs and in purrson.  And the photos…billions and billions of cat photos.

Do we belong to humans who aren’t quite right?

Thank you,

The Eastside Cats

Angel, Manny, Chili Bruce, The PO’M and Sweetie

You belong to humans who are just being very human. Getting excited over other kitties, even just pictures, is kinda normal; I see it online all the time, people sharing photo after photo after photo—they just like us, which is a good thing for me since I’m a cat on the interwebs. In fact, I think it makes your people kinda outstanding! Especially if they’re looking at my stuff.

And think about it. It could be worse.

They could be looking at dogs.

Hi, Max, this is Angelina and you helped me before when my grandma and my mom, the fat lady I really like, wouldn’t leave the basement door open for me (they do NOW!) but I have another really BIG problem! My grandma and my mom, the fat lady I like, went out and adopted a KITTEN from a rescue without asking ME!! They keep telling me, oh, Angie, we still love you so much and they pet me and give me kisses and real live dead turkey bits but this little 2 pound numbnut “Barney” is playing with my toys and zooming around my house and sleeping on my mom’s lap! THAT is MY big fat lap to sleep on! I hiss at him but the little spazzball won’t leave me alone, he thinks I’m “nice”. (OK, I am nice but anyway…) Help me, Max, you’re my only hope!



You’re doomed.

That’s all. Just doomed. Buddah showed up like that, a little puff of a thing that stole my toys and got his funk all over my house and taking up space on the people that belonged to me.

Dood, that was, like, 13 years ago and he never went away.

As long as you still get attention and treats, be nice to the little monster when they’re looking, and sit on him when they’re not. I bet if I sat on Buddah when he was a kitten, he’d be my minion now.

There’s your goal: CREATE A MINION! That would be 17 kinds of awesome!

Hello Max!

I wuz wondering if you could please to gibbs mai kitteh a shout out fur his burfday. He will be 14 on Caturday the 10th.  He is such a good boy – he is the heart of my soul. Oh, and I haz question – he habbs sooooooooooo many oodles and oodles of toyz – some not eben opened yet – does he still wants more toyz or should I get somefing else?


Maudy’s Mommy


And I think you’re good as far as presents go. Just give him one that he hasn’t opened yet, and maybe some dead delicious things to nom upon. A birthday is always happier with dead delicious things.

Dear Max

I am sorry you had no questions last week – it could have been because in the UK we had lots (and I mean lots!) of snow, which we humans are totally unprepared for here in the UK and the whole country comes to a standstill!

I just wanted to say I think you look exceptionally handsome in that photo you sent round in the last email and I would like to invite you to come and live with me as I currently don’t have a kitty and I think you would be perfect for me – I would give you lots of treats, cuddles and attention! J

Yours fondly

Carolyn xx

PS – Why do dogs love snow and kitties hate it?

DOOD! I heard you also ran out of KFC! And that’s, like, a real life horror movie!

I think kitties hate snow because they’re smart, and dogs love it because, well…pretty sure you can figure out the rest.

Last weekend the peoples went to a fyunerul and didn’t take me.  I tried sneaking a ride in their sootcase, but they kicked me out.  I wanted to go!  And they left me alone with my annoying little brother.  All he does is run around and bug me to play, and I want to sleep.  Won’t he ever grow up?  The only good part was when the nice lady came to feed us and he hid under the bed.  I ate my food and his too.  I didn’t feel bad at all.  He still got kibble.


The good news is that he’s going to grow up.

The bad news is that even when he does, he’ll still be annoying.

I’m sorry your people had to go to a funeral. Maybe the next time they go somewhere it’ll be for fun…and maybe leave him at least part of his food. If he starves, they’re just gonna blame you. I also leave Buddah a bite or two. It’s only polite.

Hey Max: 

I’m a hard working human, with a large, macho boy cat by the name of Nemo who loves riding in his stroller.  When I say large, I mean about 20 pounds worth of muscular cat.  I call him the house panther.  We take walks every weekend in the state park not too far from where we live.  He talks to the birds and squirrels while I talk to the occasional other human out there at the time.   However,I do have a question for you.  What is right after the house panther uses his box, he goes completely berserk and runs and tries to scale door frames and walls?  Of course, this is typically at 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning. Is he jetting around the place because he feels lighter or celebrating in a job well done?  Inquiring minds want to know!

The House Panther keeper

Dood, Buddah is a slightly smaller house panther and he does the same thing. Well, the insane post-litter box zooming, not stroller riding. He leaves the box and takes off, tearing down the hall into the Woman’s office, where the bookcases are stacked like stairs so he can scramble up those. Then he runs back down into the front room and on top of the sofa and then the fake fireplace…it’s like nonstop insanity for a good 3-4 minutes.

The Woman is always asking what crawled up his asterisk, but I’m 99% sure it’s what crawled out, and he’s running away from how truly atrocious it smells.

I mean, our eyes are watering. Imagine how it feels when you’re the one it comes out of? I’d run, too.

‘Course, it could also be because in the wild a cat wants to get away from it because the odor attracts predators, but I’m betting it’s the smell.

Got a question for me?
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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (6)

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  1. Thanks for answering the cats’ question, Max! Great job, and the same with the other answers too! You are so SMART!

  2. Erin the Cat says:

    Max, you have such a catspractical solution to these daily human kitten issues. I really liked the one about kitten sitting, tell me, does this work on unruly kitchen staff too?
    Toodle pips and purrs

  3. Ringo says:

    I overherd the people talking about having a cat sitter take care of me. Duz that mean I’m gonna get sat on? I thot they liked me.

  4. Casper says:

    Hay Max! My big sister sez I shoodn’t eat the foods that’s put in frunt of me rite away. I shood make the missus open up at leest 4 cans, then eat the first one that she gave me. She sez this shows the peeple hooz boss. Do yoo rekumend this procedure?

  5. Mango and Moms Brenda says:

    Dear Max,
    Hi I am Mango!
    Right now I am having one eye running with clear tears and Mom got this same eye ointment from the Veterinarian.

    I have had this trouble before! Mom is treating me with Eye Ointment! But I dont like it! Max, where can I go to hide good so Mom cannot catch me? I am very small and where in this house can I hide?I have been trying to hide in the bathroom behind the ToeLet. I thought it was a great hiding place but Mom found me! I am thinking I can sneak between Mom’s feet when she goes into her closet and I can then hide in Mom’s closet! Max, do you think this is a good hiding place?

  6. Mango and Moms Brenda says:

    Its Mango again! Max, Mom got a new 6 year old female fuzzy cat with a smooshy face! Its a cat called a Himalayan.This cat needed a home bad and we get really good food here! This cat her name is BellaJo and she took my SPOT on the Cat Tree! So Mom did put the smaller cat tree in the kitchen so I sits in there! Actually, I am shy and BellaJo has very sharp claws! I want my Living Room Cat Tree SPOT back! Tell me Max, what can I , a tiny 7.8 pound cat, do to get my SPOT in the Living Room Cat Tree back? I wants your Wise Answers!

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