Ask Max Monday: Everything is Dood

Ask Max Monday

Hey Mr Max, it’s me Sterling. I am more than one year old now so why do the hoomins still call me Sterling BabyCat? Why does Ant Nora never make me in charge when she goes out? It’s always my woofy sisfur or Cousin Murphy or the Mama Fluff lady cat. And why is there two other cats who live outsides with the horses??

You’re suffering the Curse of the Youngest. No matter how old you get, you will always be the baby. It lacks dignity, but dood, it also means you can get way with A LOT. No one expects the baby to always behave. And when the youngest screws up, they understand because “Well, he IS the youngest…” Embrace that chit! And you don’t want to be in charge, either, because if something goes wrong YOU get blamed. As long as they keep thinking of you as young and not mature enough to be in charge, all the mischief in the world is YOURS.

I dunno about the outside cats. Maybe they horses are their pets and they stay out there to keep an eye on them. Or they want to chase the flies away from the horses. I mean, horse flies are HUGE, so that’s some prime eating if they catch one.

Thanks for the tip on the dance floor, Max. I sent Mrs H to a singles night which means I guess, there will be nobody there to trip over or otherwise have their tail stomped on. MOL

Heres this weeks question. I’m soon to be branching out into the publishing world, and being the smart kitty that I am, and thinking ahead to the movie rights, and also who would play me in the film adaptation, as I’ll be too busy to do it myself. If it was an older me, then Ms S Weaver is a shoe in, but I’m not sure about a younger actress. Who would be your choices for to play you when you hit the big screen?

Purrs ERin

Dood. There can be only one. And this guy has the lingo down, and he’s handsome and he never seems to age. Keanu Reeves. Like, totally. Chicks dig him and men like him, and he’s smart and understands that all things are dood, not just doods. He’s a dood and she’s a dood and the fridge is dood and the tree outside is dood as are the birds in it. Someone who groks that totally needs to play me.

Dearest, handsome Max,

HELP! I heard my mommie on the phone making an appointment next Tuesday with the stabby place to have my teeth cleaned. I am 17 years old. There is nothing wrong with my teeth! They are long and sharp as ever. What exactly do they do when they clean teeth? I am going to hide so she can’t find me. I am hiding cause I do not want to be stabbed. Every time I have to go there they steal my blood! What could they want with my blood?. This whole thing is totally creeping me out!

I am really scared.
Lady Charlotte

Do you ever watch your mom brush her teeth? It’s not much different than that. The stabby guy brushes your teeth and sometimes takes a metal thingy to scrape off any gunk that the brush doesn’t get off. It doesn’t hurt and you’ll be asleep through the whole thing. Plus…YOU GET DRUGS! It sucks when they give you the drugs, but trust me, within a few seconds you won’t care and then you get to take a super deep nap.

It does suck when they take blood. Every time I go they take some of mine. I’m 90% sure they have to take it to offer an appeasement to the vampire that lives in the basement of the stabby place. I can hear him down there sometimes. He sounds like a ticked off dog, moaning because it’s past dinner time, and where the heck is his food?

I don’t like going to the v-e-t either, but you’re gonna be fine. The drive there is the worst part, so be sure to let your mom know every 1.273 seconds how you feel about it. Be loud, too, so she gets the message, because on the way home you’re probably still gonna be super high and won’t care about a freaking thing.

That’s what you look forward to. The drugs.

Oh, yeah.

Doods, I am still suffering from the whole Rearrange the House thing. No, they are NOT done with it. They might be halfway done, and there are things piled up on the sofa so I cant even take a nap there. But the Woman did one thing right.

She moved a tree right next to the TARDIS, and I have a premium view of her desk, so I can snoopervise while we work, on the days we work in the office.

But Buddah still thinks we’re moving again…doesn’t matter how many times we tell him we’re not. He sees stuff in different places and is convinced we moved while he was sleeping.

I think that when the People are done, they need to get friends to come in here while they go outside, and make Buddah think he really moved, all the way to someone else.

But that would be mean, wouldn’t it?

I’d still like to see the look on his face…

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook.

 

 

 

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. “Embrace that chit!”
    Excellent advice, Max!

  2. Casper says:

    Deer Max,
    My friend, I am werried cuz my lady told her sister that after this week, they should start learning how to speek Rushin. Duz this meen I’ll have to eat Borscht? Cuz beets suk.

  3. Jana says:

    Max,

    My ma got me a kaputer game wif mousies dat run around and skweek and I hafta swat dem wif my paw. It was fun fer like 3 minnits, but ven I realized da mousies wasn’t real. Dey are just like virtual mousies dat don’t have all 3 dimensions and exist only in a stereotypical hooman construct of wut kittehs fink is entertaining. It a bit condescending. Also, I fink my ma finks da mousies are real. She keeps trying to make me play wif da fing. How do I explain dese meta conceps to her?

    Fanks, Gracie Bernadette Thompson

  4. TRIPPER says:

    HAY MAX HAVE YOO EVER GOT TO EAT ***ARTYCHOKE PARMEZAN DIP***????? MAN, IN ALL MY FIFTEEN YEERS OF LIVING, THE ONLY THING THAT I’VE TASTED THAT IS BETTER IS MAYBE CRAB. IF THEY EVER MAKE CRAB ARTICHOKE PARMEZAN DIP, YOU CAN FORWERD MY MALE TO THE FAT FARM, CUZ I WILL EAT ELEVENTY GALLONS OF IT AND I DO NOT CARE IF PEEPS CALL ME PUDGY.

Leave a Reply

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers