Ask Max Monday: Fall. Autumn. Fall. Autumn.

Ask Max Monday

Max, we are a singel-hooman household. She walks around here like she own da place. But we allow dat cuz she brings da stinky goodness. We lets da hooman have udder hoomans visit so she get enuff exersize and soshalizashins. We don’t want her to get feral or nuffin. How can we train her to leaf da baffroom door open all da time? If she in da baffroom and dere are uvver hoomans here, she shut da door. And we MUST stand on da sink and supervize. Bofe of us. Ebery time. OR ELSE DA GRATE HOOMAN BAFFROOM EXPERMINT WILL NOT BE FULFILLD! How can we take notes (and make sugjeschins) wiff da door closed? The progres of cat-hooman syence will suffer. How can we keep dat door open? I mean we at least have to bust in, rub aginst her legs, and leaf her pants-down wiff the door swinging open or the data will be ruined. Your imput is importnant. Love, Spider and Gracie

Well, it’s a bit humiliating, but you can convince her that the door must remain open at all times if—when she or someone else is in there—one (or both) of you squats right there by the door and cut loose with whatever bodily function you can manage. If you do that 3 or 4 or 29 times she’ll realize she needs that door open just to not have a huge mess to clean up later.

Now, this might not result in the actual door being left open, but she’ll probably put a cat flap in it, and that’s just as good. Heck, if she doesn’t warn her friends, it will be hysterical. When one of them is in there, indisposed, you pop through like a weasel on fire…it will be awesome. And they’ll be very, very glad to be already sitting upon the throne.

Mister Max, my mom looked out the window and said “fall is here.” Well, I looked out the window, too, and I didn’t see anyone falling. I was very disappointed. Later she said, “I love fall.” Still, no one out there. What’s she blathering on about?

People don’t always choose their words well; sometimes I don’t think they even think about the word salad that spills from their mouths. What she should have said is, “Autumn is here,” and “I love autumn.” It’s just their time of year, when summer starts to fade away and cooler temperatures blanket over the warms. (Ok, in the U.S., anyway. You guys down under, welcome to spring.) I think people glace out the window and see leaves falling, and their poor brains break and all the sudden it’s drrr drrr drrr fallingthingies…fall!

Try not to judge them too harshly, not as long as they give us use of their thumbs.

HOW MANY SLEEPS UNTIL SANTA, MAX???

1,498,209…as long as you’ve been good.

You’ve been good, right?

Otherwise…it’s 1,498,209 sleeps until utter disappointment, which is not nearly as much fun as Santa.

 

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (7)

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  1. Katie Isabella says:

    I’ll tell ya. The Great Bathroom Data Gathering “Sperimint is going on great here except when company comes. Inexplicably, THEY close the door. Mom never does. If they latch it instead of just bring it to, the way mom does, I can’t bust the door wide open and take up my post!

  2. Oakley and Sugar -Cookie says:

    Deer Max

    Wez Canuck cats who iz sillybrating Thanksgiving soon an wez want to know iffin wez sneak out de space portal of disappearence to de Mew S A wez can have de turkey bird twice? Wez promise to be thankful

    Oakley & Sugar-Cookie

  3. Timmy Tomcat says:

    The hooman here is good about letting us in to snoopervise but there are those occasional occasions thet he closes dat darn door. The swinging cat door izza great idee and we will credit you when we do the running in “Like a weasel on fire”
    Great stuff Dood Great stuff
    Got yer newest book too
    Startin it soon like
    Purrs
    Timmy and da Crew

  4. Cat Scout Aspen (Brenda ) says:

    HiMax, it’s Aspen! My Mom says, “I don’t enter your Litter Box to rub on your feet, nor do I peek in and watch you poo! So, Cats, STOP! Now, Aspen, and my Sisfurr Willow, we must admit, our Mom makes a good point! Oh my Cats, neither Willow, nor I, Aspen, want our Mom pulling up
    our tails when we are in a in a Box needing a poo!

    • Cat Scout Aspen (Brenda ) says:

      Pluses, (Aspen again) my Sisfurr Mango agrees, none of us want Mom to get so mad, she comes flashing photos of any of usses in our Litter Box. We are Not bothering our Mom sitting on her giant potty chair!

  5. Max –

    Our the-mom hurt her back the other day (emptying the dish washer of all things). Anyhow, we walk over her at night like we always do and she got mad and said “the next cat that does that is in big trouble!”. How do we get the orange feral-type menace to walk on the mom??

    Random Felines

  6. supie20 says:

    Max, we r glad to heer so menny cats is dokumentink dere hoomans’ baffroom habbits. We’d also like to invite all cats to partissipate in Laptoberfest. It’s Oktober here in Shikago (it may be a diffrint munf where you live, but …) and dat meens its rilla cold sumtimes and da hoomans r happier den pigs in mud to keep da windos open and not turn on da furniss. And dey wont shut to hek up abowt how grate awtum is. So we must gloo owrselfs to dere laps and make dem feel gilty until dey turn on da warms. Da plan is to uze 1) da sad eyes fur gilt and judjment 2) ressless stompling all over dem wen dey try to look at da kaputer 3) passiv-aggressiv silent-but-dedly farts until dey say “OK I’ll turn on da furniss! Juss sit over dere!” Game. Set. Match. Laptoberfest begins on Catlumbus Day. Will you join us? – Spider and Gracie

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