Ask Max Monday: First Food O’Clock

Ask Max Monday

Dear Max,

Please stop telling the cats that breakfast should be served at 5am.

Thanks, the mom

No problem.

Kitties. Heads up. Take note. First Food O’clock is not at 5 am.

It’s really more like 4:45 am. And since it takes people a bit of time to wake up sufficiently to operate the thumbs in order to open the cans, it might be a good idea to start waking them up at 4:30.

People…you’re welcome.

Max, why do some cats refuse to eat gushy food? My brother loves dry food but won’t touch the stinky goodness that I and my other two siblings love. What is his problem???

I dunno, man. I mean, I can’t imagine life without it, but if Buddah suddenly stopped liking it I’d be happy because that means more for me.

I suppose kitties who don’t like wet food are like people who don’t like mashed potatoes or smooshed up broccoli. They don’t like the texture and the taste can’t make up for that.

Still…more for you. So don’t encourage him or tell him how awesome it really is.

Mister Max, whenever I hold a furminator and say “brushies” one of my kitties comes running. She will lie down at the table and ask for brushies. But when I try to brush her, she will turn around and swat me or try to bite me. But she doesn’t leave the table, and I don’t have to hold her down. Does she want brushies or not?

She does. But only for 1.32 seconds. After that, it’s a game, and to win she must draw blood. She prefers it be yours.

Dear Max,

We moved waaaaay over the water again and I don’t mind that so much, but we live again next to the awful man who left Vader outside all the time when she was blind and couldn’t fend for herself (so we stole her, kinda, if you remember that.) Is it acceptable for me to go pee in his garden on his vegetables? I think I could convince someone to let me out for 30 seconds every day, but I need to know if that’s too mean or not.

Love,

Weezer

Well…I don’t think it’s mean per se, but I’m not sure he’s intelligent enough to understand he’s being given some payback. He did leave a blind cat outside without caring what would happen.

[For anyone not familiar…Vader was an outside kitty who visited Weezer’s back yard every day because their dog liked her. Tank’s people realized she was blind, very old, and starving, and then they found out that her “owner” wasn’t feeding her because he thought cats should hunt for their food, and didn’t care that she was blind. He also didn’t care when they said they were taking her in, feeding her, and getting her vet care. She has since passed, but her last couple of years were very happy.]

I would probably poop right outside his front door, but I’m not as nice as you are. Maybe this time you should be the bigger person, and just ignore him. He’s the real loser, anyway; he had a wonderful cat and tossed her aside. He’s not worth the effort your attentions would require.

Max, you’re a writer. Can you explain the symbolism of the green light in The Great Gatsby? I need to know.

I could explain it, but I won’t.

Do your own homework!

(No, I really could, but, geez.)

No one tell him about Google.

Category: Uncategorized

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

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