Ask Max Monday: It Does Too Freaking Rain Here

Ask Max Monday

Max, you sure have a way of cheering up our peeps! We cats should rule the world (maybe with dogs as a back-up). We’ve heard about the wood chuck, but WHAT, EXACTLY, is chucking (other than the up-kind)?!

Well, I know a lady named Charlie and her husband calls her Chuck, so I’m thinking it has something to do with the things people do when they think the cat isn’t looking. It likely involves a lot of sweating and grunting, sometimes even things off the bad word list when it takes too long. Sometimes when they’re done, people are happy, sometimes they get irrationally upset, though I’m not sure why. They’re fully I control of the whole chucking thing so they have only themselves to blame if mistakes are made.

Now, I watched my people chucking once, and no one was happy, because in the process of getting it done, some pretty important things were lost. It was a lesson to be learned: when you want it chucked, do it yourself.

The Woman will never get over having her stash of 3.5” floppies chucked, as if they didn’t matter anymore.

Max- why is it weird that I steal a brush and brush mine face for like elebenty seven minutes? I feel that I need to look mine best at all times. And,OOOOOOHHHHHHH that brush feels soooooo good on mine face. But I doesn’t like mine belly or butt brushed – just mine face. The mom says that’s not normal.

Um, yeah, I think it’s a little weird. I hate being brushed at all. But do whatever floats your boat! If you have a super fun getting down with some self-brushing, go for it. You’re not hurting anyone, and when you’re done you probably look fabulous.

Just tell your Mom not to judge; you need your “personal time,” just like she does.

Max, da big mancat heer sez that mancatlyniss is mezhurd by the number of stripes on yer tale and sinse I only have 2 and a haff stripes, I will never be a big mancat. He haz a bazillion stripes on his tale and he is the biggest mancat I know, so he’s probly rite. But I looked and it duzn’t look like you have any stripes on yer tale, so now I’m kunfyoozed. Yer a big mancat, rite? Am I doomed to alwayz be a little runt cat?

Dood. You’re right, I don’t have a single stripe. Not on my tail, not on my tummy or back, not even on my head. And I’m a total badass mancat.

You know who has stripes? PRISONERS, that’s who. Now, one or two stripes is just stylish, but I’m telling you…a lot of stripes usually mean a guy’s done something wrong and is serving time for it. You can’t fully trust someone who’s done hard time…don’t listen to him. He’s just trying to get you all worked up so that you do something bad, and that will get you a time out in kitty jail.

Don’t be like him. Embrace your lack of stripes. You’ll be a total mancat one day. Just remember this when he tries to get you to do something you know you’re not allowed to. And if you actually DO something naughty…blame him. He’s already proven to be untrustworthy. Your people will totally believe he’s at fault.

Dear Max,

My lady person caught me using her toothbrush and got mad. Why? Don’t people like to share?

Woodrow Bushycat

You got me, dood. She should be happy that you’re taking an active interest in your own dental health. Regular brushing keeps your teeth healthy and that will save her money on future cleanings.

Well, I’m also assuming you meant you were using it in your mouth. For all I know you were brushing your furs with it. Yeah, don’t do that. It’ll make your fur all minty fresh and you’ll have to taste that with every bath for the whole day.

Max. My mom was singing today, and the word were “it never rains in California but girl don’t they warn ya, it pours, man it pours.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

It means two things, dood:

  • She’s been drinking, and
  • She’s old.

And now the Woman is mad at you, because that song is stuck in her head. She’s old, too…

Category: Uncategorized

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (21)

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  1. Bocce Tabby says:

    Dood. I have stripes everywhere and I don’t even have a tail- and I am a BIG mancat. So there.
    But, what Max says about stripes and serving time- he’s right. I have connections or I would totally be in kitty jail. I am a hooligan and I admit it.

  2. Vicat says:

    And now it’s in my head, too

  3. Oh, no! Now you’ve got Jan singing that song. Yep, she’s old too.

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    Hay Max, they got my bro to come liv with us!!!!! This has bin the best week of my life! But why is it that Banzai looks like me and is NOT my bro, but my reel bro is blak! Banzai sez its cuz my mom was a ho. Shood I beet Banzai up?

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