Ask Max Monday: IT’S A GIRL!

July 17, 2017 |

Ask Max Monday

Hey Max Dood

Mine brofur Sammy is sick – he has some sort of cancer on his tummy and it’s icky. The mom says Nicky and I has to leave him alone, but he WANTS us to chase him. He whaps me first. When we does, he leaves all his furs all over the house and WE GET BLAMED. How is it our fault when HE STARTS IT?

Dood, it’s totally not your fault, but your mom is probably 4 kinds of sad and when people are sad they don’t always make leaps of logic. It’s okay. Let her blame you, but Sammy wants to play, so you should play. Now, make SURE he wants to play, because if he really doesn’t and you’re misreading his intentions, you’re not doing him any good (I know you wouldn’t be mean to him on purpose.)

When your mom yells at you, jump in her lap and give her a head bonk or even lick her face. That will make her feel a tiny bit better. Pay attention to her nostrils. Every time I lick the Woman’s, she says, “Oh, thanks” and rolls her eyes, and people roll their eyes when something is good.

And give Sammy a head bonk for me. He’s one of my favorite people and I hate that he’s going through this.

I’m a senior kitty who was adopted (lucky hoomans!) 6 months ago. We’re still getting to know each other but I’ve made it very clear – I WANT the door to the basement OPEN at ALL TIMES. I yell at my staff whenever they close the door and while The Fat Lady I Like will open the door, Gramma won’t. It doesn’t matter WHY I want it open, I WANT IT OPEN. How can I let Gramma know this is really, REALLY important because I SAID SO?

Signed, Angelina

Old people are stubborn…you’ve probably noticed that. She already knows it’s important to you, but because she’s old she’s probably all like I DON’T CARE so go be a cat somewhere else in the house!

Still, I think if you sit in front of the door and say “Open open open open” on endless repeat, she’ll cave because really, who wants to listen to that all the freaking time? That’s how I score extra snacks. I sit in front of the Woman and say “feed me feed me feed me” until she gives in just to shut me the fark up.

Max, when does school start? I need the sticky people to go back ASAP.

In 456 sleeps. Or mid-Aust most place, but I saw a teacher online today mention that her school starts back in one week. Maybe you’ll get lucky, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. You’d just pass out, and they’d still be home all day, interrupting your naps and snack schedule.

MaxMaxMaxMaxMAxMAxMAx TheresanewdoctorandSHE’S A GIRL! Some of us are happy and some of us are not like the teenager is happy because he likes girsl but the older one A GIRL HERSELF is not because she’s all “Men want to be the doctor and women want to be with the Doctor” and I’m sitting here like, WHEN IS CHRISTMAS because that’s when we get to see the Doctor again. What do you think about the newdoctor?

I AM GOING TO MARRY HER!!!

Tell the girl that stereotypes can be flipped over: “Women want to be the Doctor, and men want to be with the Doctor.” There’s no reason that having boobs should keep someone from being the Doctor. I mean, look at me: I have, like, 8 useless nipples and I would totally be an awesome Doctor. But I’ll settle for marrying her and living in the TARDIS.

Sadly, we won’t be having any TimeTots, because the people had my goofballs removed, but I’m totally cool with that.

 

Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hits, "The Emperor of San Francisco" and "Ozoo" [The Wick Chronicles].

Comments (4)

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  1. Oh Max! Again, wise, sage advice. Good luck with the Doctor!

  2. SpiderandGracie says:

    Dear Max, Cood you wish my goofy sister from annuder litter Gracie a happy twelf birfday today? I turnt nineteen lass munf, and the Food Lady sez if I make it to twunny, she’ll let me visit a real live rotissery chukkin farm and eet anyfing I kech. Do you fink she’z pullin my leg? Also, do you kno any ressipeez to rotisserficate my own chukkin? Or say a cheeky chipmunk dat teezes me outdoors? Fanks, Spider

  3. Connie says:

    Angelina’s people should put a cat door in the basement door.. that way it can be closed but Angelina can still move about freely

  4. Dear Max,

    There was a tragic camper accident overnight in the foster room and now we can’t go camping anymore. Do you know if the foster lady’s insurance would cover a replacement? THANKS

    ~foster kittens of Random Felines

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