Ask Max Monday: Goodness Gracious Great Balls of…Snot

Ask Max Monday

Max, that is so cool that younow all this stuff. Where do you get it all from—reading, or do you have a hot line to that Julien guy and his encyclingpedia book?

I’m clearly mixing with the wrong sort of mice as I’ve never met ones with gloves. Where isit this Mickey lives, as I’d like to shake him by the paw, possibly elsewhere if we gets on speaking terms

MInd you, if you have real live dead stuff maybe i should just come round your place and we can order in?

Purrs
Erin

I have a lot of free time while the Woman types for me, so I spend a good chunk of it surfing around online, reading all the spiffy things, and some of the stupid things, and even some of the jaw-dropping, HOW CAN PEOPLE BEND LIKE THAT??? things. A guy can learn a lot by playing around online. And let me tell you, no matter what the name suggests, Persian Kitty is NOT for cats.

Mickey lives in a magical place called Disneyland. And Disney World. And Paris Disney. And Tokyo. The dood really gets around. He has a steady GF so I expect you would only get to shake his hand, or maybe his foot, if he’s into that sort of thing. My people have gone to Disneyland and they’ve seen him there, but he was surrounded by stick people and they didn’t want to intrude, so they didn’t get to meet him OR shake any of his body parts. They just stood there and looked at him, like weird little gawkers. Worse, old weird little gawkers. I’m pretty sure there are laws against that.

= = =

Max,

It’s me Puddzee again. My mummy said her and I are going on a trip to a place called Devils Lake to celebrate my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. Mummy has agoraphobia but the owner of the rented cabin stated it was okay if I came since I’m an emotional support animal.

Max I’m actually gonna have to seriously do my job. I know that was my title but I’ve just done the cuddling when her face was all wet and dripping or when she slept all day. Now I have to travel to a different state for 4 days!? Mummy states she’ll bring my outdoor pen, a window seat, some tunnels and feather wands plus the essentials for me, but I have to travel. She says she’s not super excited about traveling either.

Who’s gonna watch my flying vermin post that I man daily while I’m away? I have to share a room with not only mummy but her 2 nieces! No sticky people going luckily.

Max help! I really didn’t read the details of this emotional support job prior to taking it!
Any advice would be great!

Thank you kindly,

Puddzee

Dood, always read the fine print. That’s where they get you, in that tiny, tiny print on the back of the contract, usually written in a faded gray sans serif font on yellow paper, which is super hard to decipher. They do it on purpose because they know you’re not gonna bother, and then you wind up taking road trips to parts unknown and wind up with unwanted roommates.

Still, it might not be all bad. It could be an adventure, with new things to explore and sniff, and the nieces might be really nice. Nieces tend to be really free and easy with the crunchy treats, and they’ll feel bad for you, so you could wind up with a ton of things to nom on.

I hate traveling, but exploring new places is awesome. Try not to dread it too much. It could be fun!

= = =

Dear Max, I saw Puddzee’s question and now I have a question: Where is this Devil’s Lake? Cuz my lady calls me a little devil sometimes and I don’t wanna get thrown in a lake!!!

The only Devil’s Lake I know of (Puddzee might be going to a different one, which is kind of frightening to think they need more than one lake for the devil) is in Wisconsin. That’s a good thing—they have LOTS of cheese. Everywhere you turn, CHEESE. And you don’t have to worry about being tossed in the lake. If you’re a little devil, you’ll just kind of float above it, because it’s made for you. Kinda like how Jesus walked on water, you’ll just skim right over the top.

Give it a test, try to jump in. You’ll be fine.

Swearsies.

= = =

Max they’re gonna get me nootered and I don’t know what that means but I don’t think I’ll like it so what do I do to get out of it????

Eh, it won’t be the most fun thing you’ve ever done (even though I told Buddah it would be 10 kinds of fun and he only counted 3) but you get fun drugs and then get to go home. You won’t even be that sore. But it means that those nice little furry things under your tail are gonna be gone by the time you get home, and you’re never getting them back.

Don’t worry too much about it. You’re not gonna lose much. Did you know that a cat’s goodies are basically like two little wads of snot? For real. I read a thing online from a vet and he said they’re so much like snot that every now and then when a vet feels naughty, after he snips them he flicks the onto the wall like a three year old who just picked his nose.

You wouldn’t feel bad about lobbing a snot wad, so try not to feel too bad about losing the tiny little gooshy balls.

C’mon, guys, you didn’t think I’d get through this with saying “balls” did you???

= = =

Got a question for me?

You can leave it in the comments below,

or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com

 

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. MIKE HARTLEY says:

    Max, I don’t have a question, I just wanted to tell you that my dad reads Ask Max Monday to me and he says it;s one of the high points of our week, it’s about the only thing that makes Mondays tolerable.
    (Although since dad retired last year Mondays are better)
    I now have full time staff and can get cuddles and petting anytime I want them!
    Purrs to you and your family,
    Pete, The Girls and the Formerly Feral Kitties

  2. Max, I shared your post about Larry The Downing St. Cat on my FB page, and not only did my friends enjoy the story, they also liked the name ‘Mousebreath’! Think I’ll repost more of your articles; you have a unique take on life!

  3. Puddzee Pye says:

    Devil’s Lake is in Baraboo, WI. My grandparents honeymooners there.

  4. messymimi says:

    Hello, Max, this is Horizon, and you always have such great answers that I thought I would talk things over with you.

    My Dad is the only person on earth I trust, ‘cause that lady he keeps around is the one who gives me medicine and takes me to the V-E-T.

    Anyway, they are planning to go away for a week for something they do every year they call “vacation.” It always involves one of the other people in the house coming in here (I live in their bedroom and got so scared last time I left that I won’t make that mistake again) and taking care of the food and water and litter. It scares me so much I spend the whole week under the bed except to eat and use the box, and when they get back I spend another week under there just to punish Dad for leaving.

    My question is, is there anything I can do to prevent them from leaving, and if not, is there anything they can do to help me not be so scared while they are gone?

    Thanks,
    Horizon

  5. ERin the cat says:

    Thanks Max, the stick folk sound a bit strange to me, and if they not edible—like cheesy bread sticks, then sounds like no point trying.
    Anyways, it’s raining here now, and has been for the last few days, non stop. What do you do for entertainment on such a day?
    Purrs
    ERin

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