Ask Max Monday: Gotcha

Ask Max Monday

Hey Max, sumtimes I haff trubble understand hyooman langwidge. Like, I try to be very polite and win I git on thare laps I present my bakside to them with my tale up so thay kan git a good sniff. And evry time thay tern me around and say, “No buttonface.” Whut’s a buttonface? I don’t ware nuthin with buttons.

What they mean is that they want you to turn around so they can see your face, because you’re adorable. There’s a people-saying that applies here: cute as a button. They’re saying, “No, [I want to see your] button-face.” As with many people, they lack basic grammar but they’re telling you they want to see your cute, cute face.

People are also olfactorially challenged, so they don’t appreciate a good butt sniffing the way they should. It’s not intentional. So maybe don’t hold it against them. But they do find you adorable, so you have that going for you.

* * *

Mew Mew hellos, Max. I wonder why the name “Gotcha Day” is used to refer to the day we kitties get adopted into our furr-ever homes. Shouldn’t it be something like “Adopted Furr-ever Day” or something like that? When I look up “gotcha” online Google doesn’t give it nice definitions:

I have got you (used to express satisfaction at having captured or defeated someone or uncovered their faults).

or

an instance of publicly tricking someone or exposing them to ridicule, especially by means of an elaborate deception

Max, it seems like the title for a kitties adoption day should include words that are very pawsitive and fun. Don’t you think? Hmm… I think we kitties need to come up with our own online dictionary, ’cause I think the humans have it all wrong.

Pur purr pur.

I dunno, I kind of like Gotcha Day. To me it says, I got you, I’ve got your back. I’ve got you covered. I’ve got you and I’ll take care of you for the rest of your life.

Think of it like this: a kid is about to run out into the road and get squished by a four wheeled death machine, and an adult grabs them from behind and yanks them to safety. What does the grownup say to the kid? “I gotcha. No worries, you’re safe.”

That’s what Gotcha Day means to me.

On the day the Younger Human brought me home, the people pulled me into their family and promised me a comfort and happiness for the rest of my life. They had my back, they had a safe place for me to be. They got me, and I got them. And that’s a pretty sweet deal.

* * *

Max, how many times a day do you get fed? I have a new cat and I don’t want her to get fat but I also don’t believe the directions on the cans.

Well, first off, if she hasn’t seen a stabby person yet, you might want to take her for a checkup, and her vet will have better guidance about how much to feed her based on her age and weight. That said…I get fed anywhere from 5 to 7 times a day, and I get 1.5 ounces of wet food each time. Sometimes I get a little more if it’s clear I’m really hungry. It used to be that I only got fed 2 times a day, the same 1.5 ounces each time, and there was dry food out if I felt like lowering myself to eat it. But then my thyroid went wonky, I started losing weight, and the people were all, ohhhh he’s also old so he should get whatever he wants.

So pretty much, I do. If they open a flavor I just don’t like, they’ll give me something else. And then I also get a steak snack twice a day, just a bite before breakfast and 2-3 bites at night. This is where my people prove themselves lazy, because they don’t even take the seeds out before they give it to me.

And trust me, I’ve been checking the litterbox to see if anything will grow. I mean, a seed and fertilizer should result in SOMETHING, but I think the Woman scoops before anything has a chance to take root.

You’re probably right to not totally trust the directions on the can. I figure they want you to feed your cat more so they can sell more…so your vet is a good start. And weigh her a lot. If you keep track of her weight, you’ll catch gains and losses before they become a problem.

* * *

Dood! With Doctor Who over for this year what are you watching? Anything good? I need something to replace my Who Hole.

Star Trek: Discovery, dood! It’s amazing. If you missed the first season I’m 99% sure it’s still available on CBS All Access (which you need to watch this season, too.) We’re also watching The Orville, which I kind dig (but honestly, Discovery is my current jam), and—don’t laugh—I like My Lottery Dream Home on HGTV because of the host. He’s my new pretend boyfriend. I mean, not like the new Doctor because I’m totally going to marry her, but I really like him and want to win the lottery so he can help me buy a new house.

Or he can just come sit on my sofa and make a lap and tell me how pretty I am. That would be cool.

If you liked Who, though, check out ST:D. But not in an itchy, needs-a-prescription kind of way.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (6)

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  1. Margb says:

    Haha Max – our mom had a different interpretation of “buttonface”. She took it to mean “no – I don’t want to look at the buttonface” with buttonface being a polite way to describe what it looks like below our tails (or maybe a new way to say butt face?). Dot, Mack and Teddy

  2. Laurel Glasco says:

    It sounded to me like the humans were saying, “No butt in face!” I am not so polite. I just say, “I do not want to smell your butt! MOVE!”

  3. ERin the cat says:

    Dear Max.
    We are having a big push here at the palace, to save the environment. Well when I say WE, I actually mean Mrs H, as she is the one that has to push the recycling bin down the palace driveway–all mile of it–and then push it back. Anyways, by changing our diets we have saved loads in waste packaging and only have to recycle once every 3-4 months. What do you guys do around your place, or can you suggest, to help us improve the environment?
    Toodle pips
    ERin

  4. Stephen La Serra says:

    Dear Max, I have 2 questions. One serious and one not. The Serious one: Last Sept. I wasn’t watching and our cat Frank, 18, wondered away. Thanks to social media and my sister, he was found. A woman found him and brought back the next day after she took him to the vet and we got him back.Do you think Frank knows I am the reason he wondered away? He always stays with me and we give our senior cat lots of love and food and affection. But, do think somewhere in the back of his head he has an inkling? If anything had happened to him it would my fault and I would always know I am the reason he could have died. The non-serious one, if its proper to ask it now: How are you surviving this terrible winter?

  5. Stephen La Sy says:

    Dear Max, I remembered the other nonseries question for you. I still call Frank my “kitty” “little pal” “little buddy.” Is this a good idea?

  6. I’m pondering the name ‘Gotcha Day’ too, Max. Somehow, there must be something a bit warm and fuzzier, knowhutImean? I play around with ‘Gotchaversary’ but that’s sorta lame too. I appreciate your answer; it’s not a BAD name, but maybe we can spruce it up. I may post about this in the future!

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