Ask Max Monday: Hair of the…Cat, Or Something Like That

Ask Max Monday

MAX HOW DO I GROW A COMBOVER LIKE THAT ORINGE-FACED HYOOMAN HAS? I HAVE A SKIN KUNDISHUN WARE THEY SHAVED MY BAK INTO A REV-MO, AND THEY SHAVED ALL THE FURZ OFF MY TUMMEH, TOO. MY TUMMEH IS STILL BALD AND THE FURZ ON MY BAK ARE COMING IN PATCHY. IT DUZN’T GIT MUCH MORE IMBERRISSING THAN THE WAY I LOOK RITE NOW.

OR MAYBE YER MOM CUD DONATE SOME OF HER HED FURZ TO ME THE NEXT TIME SHE WACKS IT OFF?

Dood…rock that chit like it’s a lifestyle choice. Strut your asterisk around like you know you’re Teh Bomb, and wink at the girl kitties with a sly, “laaayddddies.” They’ll love it and you’ll be useless-nipples-deep in vocal feline admirers and all without having to copy a walking Cheeto.

Trust me on this. Rock it and they’ll want to rub that nekkid tummy, and they’ll give you nose rubs on your soft, velvety skin.

But, if you really want, the Woman will ask for them to sweep her hair up next year and you can glue it to you…but you’ll be some weird shade of purple or pink or green, or maybe even all three because she cannot leave her hair alone and I don’t think she really knows what color it truly is.

= = =

Hey hey hey Max I kind of turned into a picky eater and now my mom doesn’t know what to try next. What’s your favorite food?

Hm. I really, really like NutroMax, the wet chunks with the gravy on it, but the Woman just bought 7 cases of it, so now I’m obligated to refuse to eat it. But give it a try! It’s super tasty, and maybe you can convince your mom to get $150 worth and then be all like, nuh-uh I hate this krap, gimme something else. They love it when you do that. Trust me.

(I also like Fancy Feast, but Buddah barfs a lot when he eats that so we don’t get it all the time anymore…)

= = =

MAX WHAT THE BEJEEBERS HAPPENED TO SPRING? IT’S *SNOWING* HERE. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BIRDIES AND GREEN GRASS AND LEAVES ON THE TREES AND WE HAVE OLD MAN WINTER PEEING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Dood, I just looked out the window, and apparently spring got stuck here. I mean, I saw a bunch of tiny birds flitting around, and the Man was out there cutting the grass, and the People have been going outside to ride their bikes…and man, it was like 75 degrees today and super beautiful. I dunno when you’re gonna get it because if my people have their way, we’re keeping it here.

Got a question for me?

You can leave it in the comments below,

or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com

 

Please follow and like us:

Tags:

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Wise Max, tell that kitty to rock the shaved look! Ya know, all of the stoopey scientists studying cats to discover that they know their own names…duh…but maybe they need to work on why kitties refuse food so very often.

  2. Harvey says:

    Nice advise on the hair thing, but the next time somecat tells you about the foods they don’t like eating, coodja give them my address and have them male it to me? I’ll eat anything.

  3. Food Lady says:

    Max, I am frightened to the core of my being. I think a major catastrophic earthquake is coming or maybe Armaggeddon. Because:

    1) Reno and Homer ALWAYS sit on top of the mister in bed. Never on me. But tonight they’re both on top of me for the first time ever. And Tripper, who is always parked atop my boobs is instead sleeping in an upstairs bedroom.

    2) Two days ago, we found all four cats sleeping together at the same time on the twin beds in one of the spare bedrooms. Banzai and Tripp were cuddled together for the first time ever on one bed, and HomeReno was on the other. All four cats chillaxin together. Sumthin’s up.

    I swear, I can hear the tinkling of horror music as I walk through the house. Should I try to do something to appease them? There is obviously a disturbance in The Force.

  4. Erin The Cat says:

    Oooh, so that is where spring went! I’ll be over in a mo if you send me a GPS coordinates, failing that, how much would it cost for a few days worth of spring—like a weeks worth to tide me over until summer comes.
    Purrs
    ERin

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers