Ask Max Monday: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Ask Max Monday


So, this foster kitten showed back up. He was here this spring when his momma popped him out and then he grew up (sorta – as big as they get around here before they leave) and mom said he wasn’t adopted and got snotty and now he is back here. Mom swears it is short term and so I had to stop growling at him.


I can’t reach the door handle to kick him out. What do I do???
Thanks, Daiquiri

Dood..just remind him that Santa is coming in 3,475 sleeps, and that if he doesn’t give it back, Santa won’t bring him ANYTHING. Not a toy, not crunchy treats, and certainly not any real live fresh dead shrimp. And Santa keeps records, so he’ll remember it long after the thieving little furball finds his forever home. Make sure he knows that…it takes a long time to work the black marks off of Santa’s records.

Or, and practice jumping so you can reach the door handle. Even I can get my fat asterisk up that high.

Hi Max, this is Chimera. Why does my Mommy get annoyed when I bath her. I just want to keep her clean and make her hairs lay flat.

So the deal is, people are creeped out by cat tongues, because they’re rough and scratch when pulled across their soft, delicate skins. Also, they seem to prefer smelling like fake fruit instead of cat spit. I don’t know why. Maybe so other people will sniff them and want a taste.

I’d keep doing it anyway, if I were you. She clearly needs it, and if you don’t, someone else with the wrong kind of cleaning tongue will. And then you might get stuck watching, and for realz, no one wants to see that.

Dear Mr. Max,

I live in North Carolina with my brother Cavalli and my Cuzzin Jazzy and that stupid woofie Callie. My human mama says I am moving to New York City soon and live with the Horsey Girl ‘cos she is lonely and needs fur. But then I saw the story the Mousebreath Lady wrote about feral cats hunting rats in New York City! I am a very good hunter. I have caught mouses and deaded them and I even caught a flying mouse and deaded him too! Do you think I am moving to New York City to be a feral cat and hunt rats? I don’t think I want to do that. I like sleeping on the bed with mama and licking Jazzy’s head and playing with Cavalli and beating up the woofie. What should I do?

Love Bambina

I think you should stay right where you are, and the Horsey Girl should go to the shelter and get a furkid who doesn’t already have a home.

But if you wind up in MYC, don’t worry. You won’t be feral. They have a lot of those already, so you’ll probably wind up looking for work as a Bodega Cat. It involves dealing with people and sleeping on their snacks before they buy them, but if you land a steady gig, the pay is good. In fact, if I liked people at all, I wouldn’t mind being a Bodega Cat. I bet they’d give me treats and stuff. It’d be awesome.

Hi Max,

My 11 year old long haired cat Sebastian has a stuffed octopus that is his favorite.  He doesn’’t really play with it.  What he does is make sure it’s in the room with him at all times.  At night he carries it through the house meowing.  If we leave a box lying around the octopus is in it.   I left the cat carrier in the living room once and found the octopus in it the next day.  Do you think he sees this octopus as a kitten or a pet? Or is he just messing with us??  Do you have a favorite toy?

It’s his toy pet kitten, and he’s totally messing with you. It also might be his security blanket, and he keeps it in his favorite spots. I used to have a favorite toy; it was a little red nip toy that looked like a candy bar, and I carried it around the house. Then Buddah got his claws on it and I never saw it again. And the People wonder why I’ve been in a bad mood since he got here…


You better be sure nothing happens to it…because cat can totally stay in a bad mood for years, and they’ve be very patient in exacting their revenge. I’m gonna do it any day now. And it’s only been like 11 years.

Max! What are you gonna be for HalloweeN???

Asleep, that’s what I’m gonna be. Sound asleep.



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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Lots of good advice there Max! Hope you had a restful Halloween so you can now get back to being busy!

  2. Puddzee says:

    Max, I saw a sweater on that Facebook thing mommy looks at. I told her to stop when she came upon this post on Cat Jokes feed:

    It looks like you dood, the sweater.

    I was going to ask you about this walking harness thing mommy puts on me and then takes me ….OUTSIDE! I’m so shocked what should I do? Then mommy, grandpa and grandma took me for a car ride with out the cage. I sat on grandma’s lap in the backseat. It was terrifying, I think. It was just a ride no standby place. What’s come over my mommy? Is she insane or sick? How do I fix her?
    Thanks food.

  3. supie20 says:

    Max, we teecht da hooman to fech. She almos got it figgert owt. She fro da mousie, we watch. She fro it agin and stare at us. We do nuffin. She run affer it. We watch. She get it, she say “here! ketch, kitties!” She fro it, we watch. What uvver triks can we teech her to do? This is fekkin hilareeus.
    — Love, your sisfers from anuvver mister, Spider and Gracie


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