Ask Max Monday: HAPPY NEW YEAR, DOODS!

Ask Max Monday

Dear Max:

Last night my mom said if I don’t leave my brother alone, she’s gonna knock me into next week. How far is that? Will I like it there? Thanks!

Love, Sammi

P.S. My mom would never hurt me. I’m just curious. You know.

Well, since next week is one week into the new year, when everything is possible because it’s like we get a do-over, I’m gonna say sure, you’ll like it there. In fact, I have it on great authority* that next week is when the new nip toys, crunchy treats, and premium stinky goodness come out and if you get there first, you’ll have first dibs at all of it.

You still might wanna leave your brother alone, though. Just because messing with him gets you into next week first, that doesn’t mean your mom won’t yank you right back and then ground you and take away your toys, and since they’ll be new ones, that would suck. Plus, there’s no telling when your bro might grow a metaphorical pair, and paw-slap you right back in 2017, and dood, we don’t want 2017 again.

*meaning I totally made that up because I am my own great authority.

Max, our Christmas decorations come down on the 6th. I don’t know why, they just do. Now, I’ve been very good so far and have left everything alone, so I need your advice. How much of the tinsel hanging on the tree should I eat now?

All of it.

Well, ok, the caveat to that is to make sure you don’t eat enough to clog up your insides. Just eat enough that your poop will be nice and festive for the next week.

It’ll be like holiday decorations all over again! Your people will love that!

Dear Max,

What was wrong with the old year? Do we really need a new one?

Dood.

Yes, we really need a new one. Last year was filled with upset and finger pointing and people getting mad at each other for no reason other than they don’t all think the same things at the same time. Maybe a new year will cool their asterisks down, and they can play nice again.

Every new year is like that. It’s a new blank slate, sorta. I’m hoping the things that get written on 2018’s are gentle and kind, because right now, we need a whole lot of gentle and kind and a whole lot less of me, me, me.

Well, unless it’s actually me.

No one can get enough of that.

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook.

 

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (6)

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  1. Great questions and answers! Happy Mew Year and warm wishes and purrs for a wonderful year from the Zee/Zoey gang!

  2. I have to try that tinsel, Max we have lots of it 😀 Pawkisses for a wonderful healthy New Year to all of you. Make it a good one 🙂 <3

  3. We are with you Max! Out with nasty old 2017, and in with a new kinder, gentler and more peaceful 2018! Your pals, Maggie and Felix

  4. Happy New Year, Max! And really, do kitties even pay any attention to years, and days and hours even?

  5. henry says:

    Max, the other day I had to wate until SEVEN in the morning before the man got up to gimme my brekfist. And then yesterday he didn’t gimme brekfist until SEVENTHIRDY! I tride yelling and banging on his bedroom door, but I think he is def acuz it dint do any good. Shud I call the authoriteez?

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