Ask Max Monday: Heads, You Win. Tails, You Win.

Ask Max Monday

Max Dood

Can we talk about something that has been bothering me for a long time? Years in fact. The problem is this – My name is Miles Phillippe Meezer. NOT “Poosie” “Puddin” “Fatso” “Farty” “Master McBarf” or “Poosie” – yes I said that one twice because I think that the mom has totally forgotten mine name. She NEVER calls me Miles anymore. elebentynine.ninenine percent of the time she calls me the horrible, babyish, stoopid name “Poosie”. WHY WHY WHY?


That’s all. Because.

The Woman has a brazillian names for me, like Big Guy, Mister Max, Puppycat, but it’s nothing like the way she talks to Buddah. Boo. BooBooBear. Sweetpea. PUMPKIN PIE. I chit  you not, she calls him pumpkin pie. Oh man, once she even called him You Little Ph***face, but to be fair his teeth were deep into her arm and he wasn’t letting go.

When people do that, they either think it’s sweet, or they aren’t thinking at all. I mean, how would they like it if they had servants who called them Puddin Pop? I bet they wouldn’t, not at all, and that servant would be fired.

Maybe serve her some warning papers so she understands the infraction. If she realizes she might be fired, maybe she’ll at least come up with a better lovey-name for you. Like MIGHTY THOR or STUDMUFFIN.

Don’t laugh. Stud Muffin is a great name. It means chicks dig you.

Hay Max, I have an ishoo with the peeps I live with.

I am an ar-TEEST. It is my purrfeshun. An sinse it is winter and thare is NO SNOW ware I live, I try to add sum holiday cheer in my own way. Evry morning I go into the hyooman litter box room and I panestakeingly shred the tishoo on the hanger and spred it owt on the floor so that the floor of the hyooman litter box room is transformed into a winter wunderland. I know they like it, cuz the minit he seez it, the man yells out HOMER!!!! I alwayz git the kredit for my werk.

But then he REKS my art installayshun by reemoving it from the floor and dumping it in the trash. This is NOT NICE and it makes me feel bad. How do I git the point akross that it is art and shud remane on the floor indefinitly? Or haz my life terned into Growndhog Day and I’m doomed to relive it evry day?

Are you sure he’s getting rid of it? Maybe he’s collecting it for your very own art gallery display so that the rest of the world can enjoy your efforts, too. I mean, it might be total consideration on his part; the world gets to see your work, and you get a fresh canvas upon which to create.

If all goes well, you could become famous and rake in tens of dollars! Think how awesome that would be!

Just kidding. He’s flushing your work down the toilet. It’s time to go create something new, and you should use something of his as the foundation. I did once, kind of, and called it “Something Of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,” and dood, I made, like, $27.73 from it!

One way or the other, fame and riches will be yours, but in the meantime, exact some toothy revenge.

Dear Max,

I know you like to give things to Toys for Tots at Christmas. But I’m torn here. I’d like to do something, but I only have a few extra dollars, and I can’t decide between toys or the food bank. Why did you pick toys? Maybe that will help.


Dood, anything you pick will be the right thing. Toys for Tots is the thing I share on my blog ever December, so people have a visual about where the royalties from the books they buy go, but we have several things we donate to. If my royalties stopped, we’d have to pick, but I think we’d still do toys every year, and I like to do that because even though I don’t want sticky people around me, I want them to have fun.

It’s a family tradition that was started by the Younger Human when he was around 3 or 4 years old; he had $10 and wanted to spend it on a toy to put in the Toys for Tots box. As the people had more money—and then me—it just grew. It doesn’t feel like Christmas to them unless they get to buy some toys.

But…we also know that food banks are really good about squeezing the most out of a dollar, and anything you give to them will put food on the table for someone who really needs it.

You really can’t go wrong. And if it comes down to it, flip a coin. Two things might happen: you’ll be happy, or you flip it and the result will disappoint you. If you’re disappointed, then go with the option that didn’t win. Flipping a coin isn’t just chance: it gives you insight into what you really wanted to do.

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
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Don’t forget to check out Mousebreath’s Holiday Gift Guide
where you’ll find a bazillion more gift selections, many for $10 and less!

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. jmuhj says:

    Skip the toys racket, Pal. It IS just that. Now if it was Toys for Cats, that’d be another matter entirely.

    “… I did once, kind of, and called it “Something Of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,” and dood, I made, like, $27.73 from it!” LOVE it.

  2. supie20 says:

    Max, we chit you not, da hooman turns 40 dis week. She kinda slippin. Her brane seem a bit derpy. Any tips for caring for a old-AF hooman? How we make shur we git da house wen she ded? How we petishun for pawer of a-turny? Mos importint, do you fink we can lern how to yooz a canopenr on YooToob? If she not ded soon, wut we git her for her birfday? Luv, Spider and Gracie

  3. Homer says:

    Hay Max, My brudder is da gratest. He kleens my butt hole reel good — reely gits in evry nook and cranny. But heerz the problim: after he gits dun kleening my butt hole, he LIKS MY FACE AND GITS BUTT JOOSE ALL OVER IT! So whuts werse – stinky butt and kleen face, or kleen butt and stinky face?


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