Ask Max Monday: Ice Burns, That’s Why

I need some help understanding my cat. He sticks his head under my hand so I assume he wants to be petted. I only pet him a few times because it seems like too many times results in him swatting me. When he plops himself on top of my newspaper, he can get irritated if I pet him. I assume that he likes me enough to be near me or does it just mean he’s messing with me? Am I supposed to just worship him while he graces me with his presence?

He wants to be near you, he likes you, and he’s messing with you. And yes, there are times when your only requirement is to worship him. And then give him crunchy treats. Or something dead and delicious like real live fresh dead shrimp bites.

We gotted some new foster kittens. Due to space issues, they are in the bathroom and we haven’t seen them yet. The mom says they are black and white and when she goes in there she says “moo”. Has she lost her mind or are there really NOT kittens in there? THANKS.

Dood, she’s a people, of course she’s lost her mind. But there probably are kittens in there, and they’re gloriously handsome like me. Some people call tuxedo kitties “cow cats” which is like 900 pounds of offensive, and they moo when they see one. I don’t get it. I mean, sure, there are black and white cows, but there are also brown cows and black cows, and no one moos when they see a brown or black cow.

Wait, I take that back. I’m pretty sure that Buddah has been mooed at, but only because he ate all his food and then part of mine AND wanted a snack after.

But, yeah, the kittens are probably in there. And they’re going to be so pretty to look at!

Hay Max, I’m a big fan with an importunt kweshchun: Why don’t they let cats play in the Stanley Kup??? I’m a demon with those plastic milk tabs on the kitchen floor and I know I kud skore more goles than anybudy. so wut givs?

Well, the problem with cats in the NHL is that no one makes skates to fit the average sized cat paw. Playing on ice is like one of the rules in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and skateless feet are at risk of ice burns and getting sliced off by people-skates. Until one of the major sporting goods manufacturers gets off their asterisks and makes skates in smaller sizes, the feline ace players of the world are relegated to playing on kitchen floors and in bathtubs.

Dood, I overherd my peeple.  The man is mooving away and is taking the gurlcat with him.  My brofur and I will reemane in the cassel with our MomLady.  I feels bad for the gurlcat.  She duzzint kno.  The MomLady is verry sad.  About losing the gurlcat, that is. My brofur and the gurlcat fite and she gits chassed a lot, but she kinda likes it.  I worry she mite miss us too. And he is now trying to sleep with me alls the time and fur sum reezin I don’t mind. It is konfusing.   Do you haz any wizdom to share?

Dood, I am really sorry. This kind of stuff is hard and sad for everyone, and finding the right balance in separation is just brutal. But I can tell you this much: after some time, it’s gonna be all right. You’ll miss her for a while, and she’ll miss you, but eventually things will feel normal. I’ve had a few friends go through the same thing, and it was harder on the people than it was on the cats. I mean, you know you’re all going to be taken care of, because you have good people. There might be some redirected aggression when your brother doesn’t have your sister to chase, so your mom might want to consider getting some Feliway to put around the house for a bit.

I know it’s confusing, but it’ll be okay. You may need to give your mom some extra attentions and purr on her more than you usually do, because she may be 27 kinds of upset for a bit. And give her a head bonk and nose kiss for me. I am super sorry that this is happening.

Max Max, the mom is kind of sad these days because the sticky people aren’t sticky anymore and one of them has his own sticky person now, one lives all the way over the ocean while she goes to school, and the youngest one is moving out to go to school not too far away but too far for him to live at home. The dad is sad but not nearly as sad because he says they can see all the kids when they want except for the middle one but she’s coming back this summer but not living with us for some reason and he likes the idea of peace and quiet. So my real question is WHEN ARE YOU COMING FOR OUR DATE??? Geez, Max Max, you promised like a hundred years ago. I have an empty house and nothing else to do and YOU OWE ME! ~ Love, Weezer

Dood, they won’t give me a passport, so I can’t just get on a plane and come get you. You’re going to have to convince your people to move back to the U.S., where I don’t need one to travel. And then just sit back and wait for the 2nd Tuesday of next week, and I’ll be there.

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Category: Ask Max Monday

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Sandy says:

    Max, thanks for your advice. Cat worship is something people have been doing for thousands of years so I might as well continue it. I don’t know if I have enough treats to keep him happy, but I’ll try!

  2. Forest Rump says:

    Fanks for yer explanayshun of cowcats. So if I ware a tuxedo will my peeps moo at me? I’d reely like to trane them to go moo.

  3. Eilu says:

    Max, we aren’t getting your column or other mousebreath stuff on the human’s RSS thingy anymore. Would you know why? Did your human bork something?

    • Dood, I just write for Mousebreath…I don’t know its inner workings other than how to upload the column every week. If you scroll all the way down, though, on t eh right side of the page under “META” there’s an RSS link that has the feed URL in it.


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