Ask Max Monday: I’m Back!

Ask Max Monday

My hooman has lerned to unerstand and speak cat purty well but, most hoomans don’t pay attention to what we say.  That includes dog hoomans.  My neighbor is a dogsund that hates to be put outside and left alone or left in the house alone; he keeps trying to tell his hooman and drives me nuts with his loud barking.  Why won’t his hooman listen?  We have a lot of dogs like that here and their hoomans seem deaf.  On the other hand, my hooman knows the difrence between “no” and “get up” and even knows “food” and “clean my box”.  Is she unusual?  I learned hooman (kinda)  I told her “I donwanna” once.


Dogs are like toddlers; after a while people just have to let their noise fall into the background, otherwise they would go bat crap crazy. That;s not a slam against dogs—I mean, they can be awesome companions but sometimes they’re just *noisy* and it’s hard to tell what they want. Snacks? Walkies? Tummy rub? The answer is always YES, so that makes it difficult for a person to understand what they’re saying.

I mean, Hank was a sweet, wonderful dog, but holy carp he was not the brightest bulb in the box. Put him outside, and he would bark at leaves, grass moving in the breeze, birds, and kites. Kites drove him insane. And we lived on an air force base, where there are planes that looked like kites to him…cripes. The people resorted to a collar that beeped every time he barked, hoping to cure him of it.

But, yeah, sometimes people don’t hear their dogs barking outside, because they had to learn to tune it out because some dogs just don’t stop talking.

Cats sometimes have this problem, too, but for some reason people take it as an invitation to have a conversation. As if we think THEY have anything worth listening to.

Max! Did your people srvive their walk? Are they goig to do it again?

The Man. Guess what’s in those little cups. Go on. Guess. BEER.

Well, they came home. I suppose that counts as surviving. The Woman has an ouchy toe from all the walking, so running across her foot is great fun because it makes her squeal. And the Man fell once and scraped his knee and it might leave a scar. But overall, they had fun and I think they’ll do it again. If not for the walking, they’ll do it for the booze.

Seriously, I saw pictures, and they drank their way through San Diego.

Oh Max…poor kitty! How did you end up with humans who put other’s needs ahead of yours?!? Just plain crazy, that is!


It’s like other people MATTER to them. Sheesh.

Max Dood, did you poop on their pillows. And in their shoes? and did you puke on the carpet?

I puked on the carpet! And I did it just under the recliner where it was hard to see, so it soaked in really well. I’m quite proud of that, actually. It was there long enough that the Man is going to have to pull out the carpet cleaner and scrub it.

Max! Time to piddle on the comforter and treat all pink things to a gnarly death, Dood. Seriously. Buddha Pest needs to get in on this action too. A week without your personal can openers? Do they think you’re self-sufficient or something? Kitty-sitters are simply not enough!! Boobies are wonderful things, but the humans need to walk at home, where your needs can be attended to instantly. If not sooner.

I really think the boobie walk needs to be held here, but the Woman says we don’t have space for 3,000 other people and there’s not enough toilet paper in the county for everyone. The substitute human was sufficient, however. She made sure we got enough to eat and was willing to give attentions even though I wasn’t willing to allow it.

Buddah, OTOH, is a total whore and let her pet him. This should bother me, but it’s funny because he likes to bite the Woman when she tries.

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. Well, Max…at least you’ve got your humans back again!

  2. Great to read your blog this week.x

  3. henry says:

    Max —- HALP!!!! I overherd the peeps I live with talking about NOT gitting a Crissmiss tress acuz they are tired of sweeping up broken ornamints. If I promiss them not to brake any if they git the tree, well, whut’s the point of even having one? I dunno why they hafta be so pissy about thare stoopid ornamints wich praktikly fall off the tree into my paws.


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