Ask Max Monday: I’m Crabby Now, Thanks

Ask Max Monday

Deer Max,
My friend, I am werried cuz my lady told her sister that after this week, they should start learning how to speek Rushin. Duz this meen I’ll have to eat Borscht? Cuz beets suk.

No worries. The people are the only ones whose diets may or may not change. Our lives will go on just fine, no matter what. Don’t let people politics bother you. Also, if you find yourself pressed to eat beets, I have it on good authority they can turn your poop red, and that’s just awesome.

Max,

My ma got me a kaputer game wif mousies dat run around and skweek and I hafta swat dem wif my paw. It was fun fer like 3 minnits, but ven I realized da mousies wasn’t real. Dey are just like virtual mousies dat don’t have all 3 dimensions and exist only in a stereotypical hooman construct of wut kittehs fink is entertaining. It a bit condescending. Also, I fink my ma finks da mousies are real. She keeps trying to make me play wif da fing. How do I explain dese meta conceps to her?

Fanks, Gracie Bernadette Thompson

Oh, man, the Woman tried to get me to play one of those games, too. It was mildly interesting for 3.74 seconds and I didn’t even bother swatting anything. After that, anytime she presented me with the pad, I just plopped down on it. If you keep covering it up with your asterisk, she’ll stop offering. For some reason, people are picky and don’t want the kitties napping on their things.

If that doesn’t work, squat like you’re gonna pee on it. She’ll get super excited, and you’ll never have to bother with it again.

HAY MAX HAVE YOO EVER GOT TO EAT ***ARTYCHOKE PARMEZAN DIP***????? MAN, IN ALL MY FIFTEEN YEERS OF LIVING, THE ONLY THING THAT I’VE TASTED THAT IS BETTER IS MAYBE CRAB. IF THEY EVER MAKE CRAB ARTICHOKE PARMEZAN DIP, YOU CAN FORWERD MY MALE TO THE FAT FARM, CUZ I WILL EAT ELEVENTY GALLONS OF IT AND I DO NOT CARE IF PEEPS CALL ME PUDGY.

Oh, dood, you might as well make yourself a reservation to the fat farm, because I found a TON of recipes for crab artichoke parm dip online.

It might look like this…

I’ve never tried it, but it definitely looks nom-worthy. I don’t think I’ll ever get to, though, because the Woman once had an artichoke and she stood there holding it and was like, “What the frak do I do with this thing???” Someone told her to dip it in butter but the end result was a weird veggie with added slippery, and she never did figure out how to open it up.

AND I’VE NEVER HAD CRAB!

Now I’m just feeling deprived. THANKS FOR THAT.

Dear Max, what would you do if you lost Buddah?

Why? Are you planning something? Do you need me to open the front door or something? Crack open a window? TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO! I either need to warn someone of an impending invasion, or figure out how to record video and then upload that chit to You Tube for some sweet, sweet Internet Glory.

Max when do the sticky people go back to school? I’m tired and need a nap.

Not soon enough from what I hear. But it could be anywhere from 2 weeks to a month depending on where you live.

I suggest you find a nice, quiet closet and spend the rest of summer napping there. It’ll be quiet, they’ll leave you alone, and you’ll probably want to keep that spot even after they’re out of your hair. Closets are awesome, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get a nice pile of towels to roll around on.

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook.

 

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. Hahahahahaha…Max, oh, my sides are aching from laughter! Wish your mom was nearby, ’cause we’d show her how to cook up artichokes and make them yummy and not slippery! And I found some stoopy app on my phone which had some fake mouses running around, and Angel ran away as if it was a bomb ready to go off! Guess the videos on YouTube are bunk.

  2. Dio's Momma says:

    Deer Max, my moms woz holding me the other day and she sed, “Dio, you need a baf!” Well, okay den. Itz not eben my birfday but I’m gonna git sumpin! Now I haf to keep an eye out the window for the Amamamazon man in da brown truck to bring me my baf. Iz it sumpin I kin eat?! I don’t rilly no wot a baf is but my moms sounded Xcited by it. Love and licks, Dio

  3. Hi Max. What are your tips for keeping cool this summer? Me I’m oft found out at night basking in the cool moonlight, and in the day under a hedge or if I’m particularly fed up I just sits on the flagstones in the hall. Trouble with that is Mrs H trips over me so not recommended!

    Toodle pips
    ERin

  4. aurelia says:

    Max the stickhy people where we live don’t go back till AFTER Labor Day. But the human is “childfree” so I don’t have to worry.

  5. Laurel Glasco says:

    Dear Max,

    My mommie bought me the stupid Mousie Chase game for her kindle fire. I kep looking under it for the mousie and she decided I was a genius cat and it was too easy for me. She didn’t bother me with it any more.

    We love artichokes here. Dood, they are Soooo Good! We get to have artichokes with butter! We feel sorry for you that you don’t get any. She gives one “leaf” each. That’s a whole lot of them on one artichoke so she gets the rest.

    Are they any kinds of foods we kittehs should not eat? We can’t have onions or garlic or chocolate. Are there any other good stuff for humans we should not eat? Hopefully there are not too many. We love sneaking human foods!

    Thank you, oh Handsome Max!

    Linnet

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