Ask Max Monday: The Inside Scoop on Outside

Ask Max Monday

Hey Max, I keep looking out the window and it looks interesting out there. I tried to sneak out the door but my mom caught me and said NO. I am an inside kitty only. But why? Why can’t I go outside?

Dood. You don’t really want to go outside. There are rude introoder things out there, like cars and dogs and giant birds that can swoop down and carry your furry asterisk off to a big nest where you will become dinner. There are vicious deer and killer bunny rabbits and IT RAINS OUT THERE.

Can you imagine getting stuck outside in the rain? Your fur might shrink and then your skin will be pulled so tight that you’ll look like you had a facelift all over your body. And then if you sneeze your eyes might pop out because a too-tight facelift just will not hold things in place.

If you stay inside, your life span could be longer than I’ve lived so far, and I’m 16. If you go outside, your life span can be cut down to as little as two years. It’d be a stretch if you saw 8 years. And you’d have to hunt—no one outside is going to open cans for you.

If outside is something you don’t think you can live without, ask Santa to bring you a catio. It’s like being outside, but also safe.


I’m gonna be in the closet where all the sticky people who come to the door can’t see me, that’s what.

It’s September, Max. When are the hots going to be over with?

I wasn’t sure, so I asked the Woman, who snapped THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN OVER WITH FIVE YEARS AGO.

That wasn’t a very helpful answer, I know, but that’s all she would tell me.

Dear Max, what’s your new book about and will I like it?

It’s about 450 pages. And probably not.

Hi Max! What brand of dry cereal do you like to eat. Mom makes sure I have dry cereal in my bowl at all times, so I can snack throughout the day. I’ve never gotten “crystals” & I’m a male kitty. She dishes me up some moist food a few times a week. I used to eat mostly moist foods, but there are so many that have ingredients I’m allergic to, which made my ears & skin so itchy. Are there any ingredients you are allergic to? Mew Mew!

I eat mostly canned food, doled out several times a day, but there’s also dry. We get Nutrisca dry food, because it’s low glycemic and grain free. Also because Buddah doesn’t barf when he eats it and he barfs up a lot of different kinds of food. I don’t think I’m allergic to anything, but I can hurl like a champ if I get crunchy treats that are anything other than Temptations. And I only get those a couple times a week, because the people grill a steak for me every week and shred that to give as treats.

No, I’m not spoiled. Why do you ask?

Got a question for me?
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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

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  1. “I can hurl like a champ…” Heh heh HEH! Spoken like a true mancat, Max!

  2. Miles Meezer says:

    Max Dood – how many points do I get for barfing on the mom’s lap? It was PAWSOME, especially the part where she jumped up and I flew through the air for about 5 feet.

  3. Margaret Bradshaw says:

    Hey Max! Dot here – Our mom has a friend who lost their mom. The mom had two kittehs who are 7 and 8 years old. The friend has asked our mom if she can adopt them. WE (me and Dip) are 17. We have always been the only kittehs. Mom knows what you are supposed to do to integrate new kittehs but she is wondering if she SHOULD. I would probably be okay, but when we moved to our new home last year, Dip became a wild cranky mean guy for a few days because he smelled the other kittehs who just moved. We thought he might eat us AND the cable guy he was so upset. So, Mom’s heart is in the right place, but is it a good idea? What says you oh wise Max? Purrs, Dip & Dot


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