Ask Max Monday: It’s Coming. The Stooper Bowl.

ask-max-thompson-header

We do enjoy what you have to say Max, even though you broke my older sisfurr Aspen’s heart. She runs away when I read your column! Buts Me, Mango, and my Sisfurr Tigger, we loves hearing about your snark. Is a Snark kind of like a Shark? Where you grin and show all your teeth Max? See ya! Scouts Mango and Tigger (and, Tigger, don’t you go telling Aspen that we are looking at Mad Max’ Column or she will eat all the food out of my special bowls kept furr a tiniest kitty girl, like me, on the kitchen table) “Hey, Mango, you thinkin’ I want Aspen, oldest girl, a whopping on me? Of course I am quiet! What were we reading? It had to be a mistake that we found this column,
ya thinks?” …Greats idea Triggers, just, a mistakes.

” Let’s just tiptoe quietly away and naps…can’t you hear that snoring? Its Aspen..let’s not wake her ups…. Tip toe tip Tooe, off we goes….”

Aw. I’m sorry I broke Apsen’s heart. I didn’t mean to. I thought we were gonna be friends forever and then some. Please remind her that I’ve been nootered and am useless to a fine lady such as herself.

Snark…snark is an attitude. It’s a way of life. Snark is the stuff of which manly men are made of, and the wit that intelligent women fling at the feet of those who are too dim to understand. It certainly has teeth, but not the type with which a kitty noms his food; these are the teeth of brain thinkings, the sharpness that stings sometimes, without a single bite every being taken.

Snark is good. Snark is life. Snark is genius defined.

Well, ok, maybe not THAT, but it’s definitely a ton of fun, especially when someone doesn’t get it.

Well, Max, I am a little beefuddled as to how I can git into so much trouble win I’m not even trying. Fur example, yesterday, my frend Trip had just deepozited a real life fresh ded mouse on the back doorstep. Well, I got there win there wuzn’t much mousie left, just the gutz. Trip told me to come smell the gutz. An boy, they smelt GRATE!!!! They smelt so grate, I rolled around in them so I could drag that smell around all day with me. My lady’s smeller is broken so she could not appreciate the wunderful aromas comin offa me. But she started to pet me, then wundered what that goo on her hands wuz, And then she had a cunnipshun fit. Should I have maybe put some in a ziplok for her? I think she was mad I didn’t share.

Dood, don’t try to figure people out or your brain might break. She might have wanted to share the guts, or she might have thought she was running her hands through snot. And she should know, that studie show people who eat snot have better immune systems, so even that was no reason to get upset. I mean, really…you coulda been like a dog and rolled on poop. I bet she didn’t think of THAT.

Max, what’s the stooper bowl and why are everyone getting so excited bout it?

Oh man…it’s this GAME where grown men put on tight pants and stuff their shirts with these giant round things on their shoulders (I think to make themselves look thinner, though those pants don’t hide a thing) and they wear gigantic plastic hats. Then they run around knocking each other down so that they can play with the ball, which looks nothing like a ball but instead a big brown egg. Every once in a while the guy that throws the egg around jumps into a sack, which ticks everyone off, and then someone else sets it down and tries to kick it at some sticks. Don’t ask me how they don’t all get covered with brown egg yolk, I don’t know. They run around and knock each other down for like 3 hours while half the world watches them (while nomming 198 different kinds of snacks and at least 5 different kinds of Stupid Drinks) (the people watching get the snacks, not the guys with the egg) and eventually they get tired, and the team that got the egg to the sticks the most wins.

Really…when it’s on, just go take a nap. People get loud when they watch it, and half of them wind up mad because their team of egg catchers doesn’t get to the sticks as often, and it makes them all very, very cranky.

 

Tags: ,

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured, Last Week

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (6)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Timmy Tomcat says:

    Hey Max. Thanks fur the info on that game the Dad insists on watching. We would not mind if he would share more of the snacks he stuffs into himself. (Selves, really, after all he has devoured!)

  2. Hey Max…we here there is going to be another Kitten Bowl this year instead of the Stooper Bowl. We think that would be much more interesting. Except….that is about what goes on around here EVERY day with the foster kittens….. Does this mean we are going to be on TV??

  3. Deziz World says:

    Well fank Catness weez not have to watch no stooper bowl here. Us ladycats watch movies and eat pizza. Have a gweat day Max.

    Luv ya’

    Dezi and Lexi

  4. Miles says:

    Deer Max – why am I not allowed to do the following:
    scream from the kitchen, eat hot sauce, stand on the mom’s bladder, poke the mom’s eyes when she is sleeping, scream at any of mine brothers, swat at the rug sucking monster, barf in the food dish, or run away from mine poops instead of covering them up? There are waaaaaaay too many rules in this house.

  5. Buckaroo says:

    Hey Max, whut’s the fone number for PETA? I need to report sum abuse in our house. The Lady and Man abandunned us for 43 sleeps and the lady who sits on cats broke into our house agin wile they were gone. She broke into the house TWO times looking for cats to sit on. That stoopid Banzai rubbed aginst her and let her play with him. In the meentime, I wizely hided behind the bed so she woodn’t sit on me. (It wuz werse than hiding frum the toy sucker upper masheen.) She only gave us Fansy Feest onse a day, and only kleened the litter box onse a day wich ment that win I wunted to krap I had to tuch Banzai’s pee blocks in the box. As you know, that is cumpleetely unakseptuble. And win the Lady and Man came bak to the howse, they REFYOOZED TO IKNOLIDGE the agony they put us thru.

  6. Buckaroo says:

    Hey Max, whut’s the fone number for PETA? I need to report sum abuse in our house. The Lady and Man abandunned us for 43 sleeps and the lady who sits on cats broke into our house agin wile they were gone. She broke into the house TWO times looking for cats to sit on. That stoopid Banzai rubbed aginst her and let her play with him. In the meentime, I wizely hided behind the bed so she woodn’t sit on me. (It wuz werse than hiding frum the toy sucker upper masheen.) She only gave us Fansy Feest onse a day, and only kleened the litter box onse a day wich ment that win I wunted to krap I had to tuch Banzai’s pee blocks in the box. As you know, that is cumpleetely unakseptuble. And win the Lady and Man came bak to the howse, they REFYOOZED TO IKNOLIDGE the agony they put us thru.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers