Ask Max Monday: It’s Wuv, Twue Wuv

Ask Max Monday

Hi My Name is Jack and I am a large GingerTabby cat! I am about 3 years old! And I am the only Male in a Clowder of Female Cats! I need some LOVE Advice! Aspen used to love you Max! Well, I came to live here with Aspen back as a tiny kitten! V

 

And Aspen has been a single Lady Cat for 14 years! She is Spayed and Yups, I got Neutered 2 + years ago!

 

Even so, I really loves Aspen, but she hates me, she Cries out and Squeals and Hisses loudly whenever I try advancing upon her! I thinks I need a more Gentle Mancat approach! Have you any advice for me? I am lovesick!  And here is my photo!

If Mom is home she always blames me for making Aspen Hiss whenever I tries to sniff her nether regions and to also groom her tail, she hates me, Max! What should I do? Do you have any Silvervine? That is a nice present for any cat , Right? Oh, Max do you thinks I should give Aspen presents? Like Aspen loves to eat yard Grass, yes she does, I could get her some indoor Wheat Grass? Thanks, Max! I just hopes that Someday, Aspen will love me!

 

Dood. For realz, have you already gotten into the Silvervine? If not, take a deep breath and chill for a few seconds.

Better?

Good.

All right. Now, Silvervine and wheat grass are very good gifts, but they might not be the thing you want to lead with. And sticking your nose up her asterisk might not be it, either. That intimacy is better left to a time when she likes you, and you need to have her consent before you get up all in her bizness. Remember, she’s a frickin’ lady and probably wants to be treated as such.

The best way to get her to love you is to (after you convince her to not hate you) 1) be nice to her, and 2) be yourself but without your nose going where she doesn’t want your nose to be—no one likes a cold, wet surprise up the asterisk, and her tail is too close to that to risk playing with. Take your favorite toy and play with it in front of her, and when you’re sure she’s noticed, drop it in front of her and ask her if she wants a turn. She won’t, not at first. She might even get up and walk away, but that’s okay. She needs time to see that you’re making an effort.

Once she sees the effort you’re expending on her behalf, she’ll start to relax and not be so hissy—that’s when you begin gifting things to her. I would start with the wheat grass. Chicks dig wheat grass. Also, pay attention to the snacks she likes, and get her a few of those. Like crunchy treats or something dead and delicious. I would save the Silvervine for a bit, because not everyone wants to start a relationship with drugs. Also, you don’t want to waste some perfectly good ThunderNip if she’s just going to eat it and then hate you anyway.

Be very patient. Cultivating a relationship takes time. But if you’re nice to her and keep your nose out of her asterisk, she might be willing to give you a chance.

And what do you mean, she USED to love me???

= = =

MAX WHAT SHOULD WE DO WHILE DOCTOR WHO ISN’T ON TV BECAUSE I’M LIKE YOU AND I LIKE IT AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE.

I was gonna say drugs are an option, but I have a feeling you already discovered that.

Thursday night is where you start. Star Trek Discovery (you need a subscription to get it but its TOTALLY worth it, and the Woman thinks it’s her favorite Trek now) and The Orville both drop on Thursday night. So if you want quality TV watching, I’d start there.

If you want something other than TV, maybe try reading. There’s a really good series narrated by a time-traveling cat you’d dig. Trust me on this.

And if that doesn’t appeal to you, perhaps learn a bit about interior design and redecorate your home. Kitchens are a terrific place to begin this endeavor; start by batting things around, get as many off the counter onto the floor as you can, and then you can get a better vision of how it will look without clutter.

This also leads to a game people enjoy called WTF ARE YOU DOING YOU FREAK OF A FURBALL and they get super excited every time they get to play. The harder you bat things around, the more excited they become. Everyone gets some exercise out of this game, which makes it even better.

You might as well give a few things a try, because we don’t get any new Who for a freaking YEAR.

= = =

My humans are moving furniture all around the house, and it’s annoying. Why, Max? Why do they do this to me? It was fine where it was.

Ohhhhh I feel this pain. My people rearrange the furniture every 2-3 years. And yes, it’s annoying.

But, dood—and trust me on this—it beats the heck out of being put through the M-word every 2-3 years, which we used to do. For a while, it was every year. And that was wicked hard.

So let them rearrange things. At least they’re staying put and not moving to a whole new place.

That doesn’t mean you can’t use this to your advantage. Wail a lot, rub up against their legs, and make sure they know the whole thing is upsetting. Experience tells me that if you do, you’ll get extra treats, maybe even some real live fresh dead shrimps or chicken or cow. And that’s always worth the inconvenience of remembering where the heck the litter box went.

= = =

Got a question for me?

You can leave it in the comments below,

or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

 

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (4)

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  1. Pete Hartley says:

    This was a great blog, Max. Jack who wrote earlier, is a friend of mine and I feel obligated to tell you that he also bites Aspen on the neck, and she does not find it romantic at all! I have suggest he might try to more gentle in his courting technique!

  2. Very wise advice, Max! We gave Angel her own apartment, since Da Boyz were bothering her just like Aspen and Jack, and she wasn’t having any of it, and we humans couldn’t take any more. Purrsonally, I think Aspen needs to give Jack a good whappity-whap-whap with her paws…a one-two punch…instead of hissing and meowing.

  3. Erin The Cat says:

    Hi, Max.
    Mrs H is and has been threatening to move the Palace lock stock and barrel to other parts of the UK, somewhere cold and snowy by the sound of it–Scotland! Not sure how; maybe some anti-gravity device and float it up there, dodging air traffic control. Anyhows what would your advice be for the cat princess who will be uprooted to deal with the matter, assuming said princess would rather just add a conservatory/sunroom to the said Palace rather than move?
    Purrs
    ERin

    PS, did your lodger get a good deal on the JEEP?

  4. Reno says:

    Hey Max you fayled to menshun that win the peeple moove the furnichers arownd, it preezents a LOT more pee oppurrtoonities on spots that the furnichers orijinully cuvverd. Fresh spots just begggin to be marked: it duzn’t git much better than that, espeshully on a rayny day.

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