Ask Max Monday: Kitten Gifting

Ask Max Monday

Max, whuts a tale for? My bruther thwaps his in my face then gits all hissy win I try to kill it. If its not fur playin or killin, whuts it for?

Tails have many functions: to balance, show emotion, clear the bathroom counter, test the temperature of whatever the human is drinking, and my favorite…slapping.

The most productive use of the tail is to whack someone with it over and over and over, especially when they’re trying to concentrate on something. I make the most of my tail-slapping when the Woman is trying to work. I get on the back of the chair and let it drape over her shoulder, and then I tickle her ear with it, and when she’s just starting to get annoyed, I let it fly and slap her right upside the head with it.

Now, the best part is that no one gets hurt, but it’s totally annoying, and annoying others is about 4 kinds of fun.

So now you know why your brother does it. Annoying you is fun. But getting annoyed is not so much fun, which is why he gets all hissy when you try to kill it. Don’t worry about that. If he can annoy you, you have every right to annoy him right back. And if you think about it, then you’re both having fun.


Dood, he’s totally yanking your tail. Those things on the tree are kitty magnets and if you don’t play with them your people will get upset. For realz, give it a try and see how excited they get.

The dog is probably lying to you because he’s a dog and dogs like to pee on trees, but he knows if he does THAT the people will tell Santa about it. If Santa puts him on the naughty list, he won’t get a bone for Christmas.

Now, I have a tree, too, but I leave the toys alone because they’re all Doctor Who things, and I want to admire them and not risk breaking anything. But go for it, dood, play until the people get so excited they hyperventilate. It will totally make their holidays!

Max, my parents just got a new kitten, and they don’t have a lot for him. So far, a litter box, shallow dishes, and a couple of toy mice. I would like to give them things for him for Christmas. I know you like catnip bananas, but what else? All the cats I’ve ever had were older when they came to live with me, and not playful. Budget isn’t a big problem.

I do love a good nip banana. But a kitten needs a lot more…for starters, I would suggest a good, sturdy scratching post, because kittens need to claw things. And if money isn’t a big factor, a climbing tree would be awesome. There are all kinds of trees (some even look like trees) but the ones that have worked best for us have been carpet-covered and have big platforms. You want sizeable platforms and resting spots because pretty soon that kitten will be a cat, and cats can get pretty big. I mean, no one ever thought I would be 17 pounds of studly awesomeness, but here I am.

Oh! Another favorite toy I used to have is called a Cat Dancer. It’s a long wire with these little cardboard things on the end, and it was a frakton of fun to play with. It requires a person on the other end, which adds to the fun.

Also, I really liked Da Bird. It’s a feathers on a string toy, but that particular one was the best I ever had. It helps keep hunting skills honed, and is a pretty good cardio workout.

One more thing that might be nice…a kitty-sized tent or cube. Some kitties like places to hide, and if they have a tent, it’ll feel like a safe space.

If I were the kitty and I had to pick, I’d want a climbing tree first, because Up is an important place to be.

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Miles Meezer says:

    Max Dood

    Can we talk about something that has been bothering me for a long time? Years in fact. The problem is this – My name is Miles Phillippe Meezer. NOT “Poosie” “Puddin” “Fatso” “Farty” “Master McBarf” or “Poosie” – yes I said that one twice because I think that the mom has totally forgotten mine name. She NEVER calls me Miles anymore. elebentynine.ninenine percent of the time she calls me the horrible, babyish, stoopid name “Poosie”. WHY WHY WHY?

  2. Homer says:

    Hay Max, I have an ishoo with the peeps I live with.

    I am an ar-TEEST. It is my purrfeshun. An sinse it is winter and thare is NO SNOW ware I live, I try to add sum holiday cheer in my own way. Evry morning I go into the hyooman litter box room and I panestakeingly shred the tishoo on the hanger and spred it owt on the floor so that the floor of the hyooman litter box room is transformed into a winter wunderland. I know they like it, cuz the minit he seez it, the man yells out HOMER!!!! I alwayz git the kredit for my werk.

    But then he REKS my art installayshun by reemoving it from the floor and dumping it in the trash. This is NOT NICE and it makes me feel bad. How do I git the point akross that it is art and shud remane on the floor indefinitly? Or haz my life terned into Growndhog Day and I’m doomed to relive it evry day?


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