Ask Max Monday: Kitten Tongues, I Tell Ya!


how many more sleeps until Santa?? we are asking for a friend

Not too many! Santa comes in a little over a month, so only 1,265 more sleeps!

Max on the ballon idea, what about the Chinese lanterns you light and send into the night. I think those are more eco friendly

I think those would be really pretty, but wouldn’t they start fires? At least where I live, it’s super dry and things would just go WHOOSH and everyone would be really unhappy.

Dear Max,

We don’t have a question, but we wanted to tell you what our mom did. Last year she found a black kitten in the parking lot at work. She took him to the vet to make sure he was healthy and then she found him a home in South Carolina (we live in Kentucky). She drove lots of miles to make sure he got to his furever home. Well, she did it again last month. The people who took in the kitten last year said they would take another black kitten that needed at home. So mom drove a lot of miles again to deliver this kitten to his new home! Mom said as much as she would have liked to keep both of the kittens, she knew it would be too much for her. There are 14 kitties at our house and she said it wouldn’t be fair to us senior cats or those young whippersnappers! Our mom stink, but she is still pretty awesome.


Clarissa & Co.

Wow, that’s super awesome of your mom! I know you didn’t have a question but I wanted to be sure everyone knew what she did. It’s very, very cool…not very many people would take the time to make that kind of drive to take a kitten to a new home.

Dear Max, You are the wisest cat I know, and I trust your wisdom. Why do dogs act like such tough guys, when in reality they are wusses? I used to be afraid of the dog, but then I figured out just how dumb he is. So I started doing more than just hissing. Now, if he gets too close, I growl, and smack him on the snout with my trusty left paw. And here is the best part, then I charge him and he runs away like a ninny! Oh, yeah, I get to sleep with the woman on her bed, every night now, AND I have dominion over the dog. My life is complete!  Your admiring fan, Lily

Well, to be honest, I don’t think they’re actually wusses. They get told NO over and over when they try to mess with things, so they wind up trained to not bother the kitties. When I had Hank the Dog I was afraid at first and then realized he wouldn’t do anything…but he was pretty smart. He just knew he wasn’t allowed to eat me. I think if I had growled at him he would have run away just to be sure he didn’t get blamed.

Being in charge is a spiffy thing, but remember…if something goes wrong you want him on your side. He can protect you because he’s got bigger muscles and a jaw strong enough to bite intruders. Keep him in his place, but be just nice enough that he doesn’t want to point you out if someone breaks in.

Max, your woman has tattoos. Mine wants tattoos but she’s chicken. Ask your woman for me, k? Did they hurt a lot?


Ok, no.

She says they hurt, but not oh-holy-snot-cupcakes bad. Most of hers are pretty big, and it wasn’t until the last hour (out of 5-6 hours at a time) that it started to get ouchy…except for the one on her leg. She said that one hurt a lot. But she would still do it again because her tattoos make her feel like herself.

Tell your mom that unless she gets her first one over bone, like the ribs on feet or ankles, it won’t be nearly as bad as she worries about.


I will consume a zero quantity of turkey.

For realz.

I don’t really like turkey…and because the Man has to work and won’t even be home until the day before anyway—he’s taking care of his mom right now—we’re kinda skipping the whole thing. But the Woman says there will be steak the night before, and she’ll save some for Thanksgiving Day for me, so that’s kinda like celebrating anyway. I totally like steak. In fact, it’s almost unnatural the way I ate when I have steak. I’d be embarrassed, but hey…steak.


On the day after Thanksgiving, people get up in the middle of the night and go to the store and punch each other over cheap TVs and toys that will get broken three hours into Christmas morning. It’s a tradition that people look forward to all year long, probably because it’s the only time they can hit each other without getting arrested. And they only don’t because there are SO many people crushing into stores that the cops can’t get in.

I’m staying home, sleeping, and waiting for dinner. It doesn’t sound any kind of fun to me.

I might send Buddah, though.


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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Tripp says:


  2. Rancic says:

    Max i haff a sichuayshun that may rekwire PETA innervenshun. Yoo see, this yeer we got TOFURKEY for thanksgiving. I did NOT give thanks for that spongey tasteless wreck of wet kardbord. Shoodn’t thare be worning labels so you can kloo in to the fakt that this stuff tastles like DOG poop. Can we ketch the guy hoo invented tofurkey and string him up so no other kittehs ever git subjeketed to it?


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