Ask Max Monday: Kitty Kolor 101

Ask Max Monday

Max, we teecht da hooman to fech. She almos got it figgert owt. She fro da mousie, we watch. She fro it agin and stare at us. We do nuffin. She run affer it. We watch. She get it, she say “here! ketch, kitties!” She fro it, we watch. What uvver triks can we teech her to do? This is fekkin hilareeus.
— Love, your sisfers from anuvver mister, Spider and Gracie

Hahaha Hank the Dog used to do that. The People said he was missing his Retriever gene but I think he did it on purpose to help them get up and move. You’re totally doing your human a service while keeping yourselves amused. She gets exercise and you get the chuckles.

Now, something else you can do. Door patrol. There are always doors closed, and cats like getting people to open doors. So you need to work together on this. One of you get her to open a door—say, a closet door—and as she’s doing that, another one of you needs to ask for a door completely on the other side of the house. Lather, rinse, repeat.

On a good day, you can get her running all over the place, and she’ll never realize what’s going on.

Mister Max,

How come kitties wif colors like tuxies and cow kitties and tabbies and calicos can be colored on top and white in the bottom but not the other way round? How come you see lotsa kitties wif colored backs and heads and white feets and bellehs, but you never see one that is white on top and colored at the belleh (but they sumtimes haf colored feets and tails)?

I is a torbie, and my belleh is lighter than my back.

Luff, Norkin

That’s because right after they’re born, the mom cat licks their bellies clean to get all the being-born guk off of them, and it takes long enough that the color sets on top. It settles to the top of the kitty because they’re usually on their backs when she’s doing the belly cleaning, and it kinda runs.

When the feet keep the color, it’s because the mom is slow to clean, and they’re so floppy that their legs are splayed off to the side, so the color doesn’t have a chance to run.

Now, cats that are solid colors had super-speedy moms who got all the licking done really fast. We need to appreciate the dedication of these mom cats, because their tongues get worn out and cramped, but they never complain. And that’s why we have Mother’s Day.



Easy, dood. Just get onto Amazon. Chance are your people are logged into their account, so you can just order the things you want to get—be sure to specify it needs to be gift wrapped—and click on BUY NOW. Then Amazon Elves wrap the presents for you, and either the guy in the blue shorts or the guy in the brown shorts brings it to your house.

It couldn’t be more simple!

Dear Max,

I let my cat use my iPad to play cat-app games, but he threw up on it. Now it doesn’t work.

I’m going to get a new one, but how can I make him understand he doesn’t get to play with this one?

Buy him his own iPad. Then he won’t need to use yours.

Max Max Max Max Max my mom bought your new book and she loved it. When’s the next one? And what other books of yours should she get?

Dood…all of them. She should get all of them. But I would start with “Bite Me.”

And I’m glad she liked the newest book. The next one is slated to come out in about a month. I’ve seen the cover art, and it’s super spiffy. IT’S PRETTY, even!

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at

You can also find me on Facebook.


Category: Uncategorized

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. Kitties Blue says:

    Now you have us curious as to why cats REALLY are white on their bellies often when colored on their backs. We had several in our household like that. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  2. Toffee Ripple Fuzzypants says:

    Yoo are so wise.

  3. Pixel says:

    We have a great answer on the iPad. Buy a lifwproof or otterbox case. They have waterproof ones and even the toddler has not broken or killed it.

  4. Pet Hangout says:

    Cute, funny, make us smile today!

  5. Homer says:

    hay max i herd you no evrything, so i haff an impurrtunt thing to ask. i just came to liv at a noo place. it’s nice. my brudder livs heer. i lived in a kupple udder places beefore this one cuz nobuddy wunts to giv blak cats furever homes. my brudder sez they’ll keep me, but i dunno. i thot that beefore and i just got traded in and mooved to noo places. theeze peepuls just bot me a neeto nekliss with a skull and krossbones that gloze in the dark and it haz a medal wiff my name on it. my brudder sez that meens i’ll never git traded away. wut do yoo think? is this gunna be my furever home?


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