Ask Max Monday: Let’s All Vote for Nekkid Tripper!

Ask Max Monday

I know, I know…I'm late. My brain kept telling me it was Thursday and Friday all weekend, even though I also knew it was Saturday and Sunday and the Man was home last night instead of off passing gas. I'm getting old, doods. I suppose with that comes a little confusion about the calendar…

* * *

MAX, DOOD, I NEED YER HELP! YOO SED, AND I KWOTE: "Naked kitties just look…wrong." 

WELL, MAX, MY PEEPLE AND THE STABBY PLACE GUY ARE TRYING TO TERN ME INTO A NEKKID KITTY. AFTER TURKEY DAY THEY SHAVED MY HOLE BAK CUZ I HAD A BAD CASE OF THE ITCH. THEN AFTER KRISSMISS THE ITCH GOT BAD ON MY TUMMEH, AND THEY SHAVED THAT, TOO. AT THIS RATE, I'LL BE TOTALLY NEKKID BY VALENTINES DAY. 

AND TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, I GAYNED A POWND OF WATE OVER THE HOLIDAYS AND THE STABBY GUY GOT KINDA TSSSSSK TSSSSK TSSSSKY WITH ME. LIKE, HOO DUZN'T GANE WATE OVER THE HOLIDAYS???? MY YEER IS NOT OFF TO SUCH A GOOD START.

Dood…HAHAHAHAHA…there’s a HUGE part of me that hopes they keep shaving just so the rest of us can see a picture of Nekkid Tripper. And by Valentine’s Day? The ladies will love that! You can do a Mousebreath Centerfold thing and you’ll have hundreds of kitties sending you their digits and bikini pictures! HOW IS THAT NOT AWESOME?

I’d say the year is off to a GREAT start. Especially if we get to see you all hairless.

* * *

Max, I only got eleventy prezints for Krissmiss. And I was a GOOD cat last yeer, not like my brudder Jack. I can't pawsibly be any gooder this yeer. Any hints on how to git more prezints?

Get better people. Really, that’s the only way. Because clearly, they hid stuff that Santa left for you. What other answer could there be? THEY ARE HARBORING STOLEN GOODS. And those good belong to you.

I mean, maybe they’re hiding some stuff to parcel out over the year, but people are sneaky so they might just be playing with your toys behind locked doors, when you’re in another room sleeping.

* * *

Dear Max:

Two of my kitties went to the Rainbow Bridge (mother and daughter) within two weeks of each other.  One on Christmas Day; talk about a bummer.   They were both into their 19th year.  Emma, the mama, was still a kitten when she had kittens! but both she and Clara were very sick with kidney issues.  I am happy they are no longer in pain, but I really miss them.  Since you know everything, maybe you could tell us again what the Rainbow Bridge is like.  Thanks.

Sad in Savannah

Aw, man, I am so, so sorry. Nineteen years is a good long time for a kitty, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, I know. Even knowing that the Bridge is there and is a marvelous place doesn’t take all the sting out of it.

But, for me, at least, it helps. I have a pretty sweet life here, but when it’s my time I won’t mind because I know the Bridge is waiting there for me, and when I head off for it all the cats who went before me, and Hank the Dog, all my friends that I met online, will be waiting for me. We’ll get to run and play and eat and party, as much as we want to…or as little as we want to. There will be sun puddles to nap in, or if I want, there will be an inside with a roaring fireplace to enjoy. However I’m most comfortable, I can find it there.

There’s no place else like the Bridge. Cats can chase birds and they don’t mind because everyone knows it’s a game and when they’re done, no one gets hurt. We can go after the red dot AND WE’LL CATCH IT! The noms are endless and always taste exactly how you want it to taste, and you don’t get fat. There’s real live fresh dead shrimp and steak and chicken, crunchy treats and meaty treats, and you can eat alone or share with a hundred of your closest friends.

It’s peace.

But the best thing about the Bridge? There’s a special spot where we get to greet our people when they come. We just know when it’s time to go there, and when you cross over, you’ll see us. All the cats and dogs and hamsters and rats and birds you ever loved will be waiting to greet you with sloppy wet kisses and head bonks. They’ll go with you to your final destination, and they can stay if you need them or they can go back to the Bridge—and you can see each other and be with each other whenever you want.

It’s love.

The Bridge is our reward for all the things we endured here, good and bad, and it’s amazing and wonderful. It’s all the light and warms we ever wanted, and it’s a soft, happy place to wait for you, however long it takes.

And we will wait. Happily, hoping that it takes you a very long time to get there.

Each of us will wait for all the people who ever loved us, who ever cared for us.

And when you get there? We’ll have everything we ever wanted, and more.

Contentment.

It’s hard to let us go, sometimes harder than letting people go, but we’re headed for a place of wonder and comfort, and we’ll be there when your time here is done.

Just don’t get there too soon.

We have parties to attend, you know.

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook

 

 

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (9)

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  1. Max…. Our mom says we are getting new floors. In order to do that she is throwing out some stuff. Are we next????

  2. Wise Max…who cares if it's Monday or whatevs…poor nekkid kitty, hope they figure out what's making the itchies!

  3. Yertle says:

    Hey Max if gitting hairless makes you into a babe magnet, how can I git the people to shave my furs? Or should I just arrange for an ooober to drive me to the groomer? I'd reely like a gerlie frend before valentines day. I'd also like to see that nekkid tripper centerfold. Just to be clear, I don't git the hots for mancats, but I'm curious how I measure up to that big guy. 

  4. messymimi says:

    Love your description of The Bridge.

  5. Erin The Cat says:

    Dear Max. I was wondering if you have got your letter off to the new Dr to fill the undenyable opening on the show. To my knowledge, as someone who knows someone that is as old as time herself, and yes time is a lady, or at least takes that form, there has never been a feline companion for the Dr. Yes there was that tin pot dog some years back, but never a feline. I think you would be perfect for the par, both talented snarky and undenyably cute. When you get it, what changes would you make to the show, and to the adventures, monsters and TARDIS, which does undergo periodic fashion changes.
    Purrs
    ERin

  6. Catherine L Fleming says:

    Thank you so much for the letter about the rainbow bridge. I’m sitting here all teared up so it’s hard to type. I lost a special little kitty named Trilly (short for Trillian) suddenly last Oct. She was a little black Tripawed and never let anything stop her from getting where she wanted to go. She was my inspiration since I, too, am handicapped. I miss her so much but your letter helped me. Thanks.

  7. Sasha says:

    Oh Max! What a BEAUTIFUL description of the Bridge. My eyes are leaking buckets. I am my mom’s first fur baby. I know she will keep this forever and it will help her when the time comes (hopefully a very long time away).

    Purrs,
    Sasha

  8. Deer Max

    I has a new brofur, who’s a geezer AND a orinch meniss. He is also deaf. Mommy gets mad at me for playing “sneak attack” because he can’t hear me coming. Why doesn’t she understand THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE GAME! Anyway, what other games can I play with a deaf, orinch meniss geezer?

  9. Clyde says:

    Dear Max,

    I just turned 19 and wonder why humans are so catty. Life is short for any species to hold grudges. P.S. since you like Amazon affiliates, you might do well with a book I contributed to called Black Cats Tell All.

    Yours in furry brotherhood,

    Clyde (meow loudly. I’m deaf)

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