Ask Max Monday: Let’s ALL play “People Freakout!”

Ask Max Monday

Wait, I can get genital acne? Should I find a blog post outlining a cure?

Yes. Yes, you should. Find it, then summarize it, and submit it to every freaking address that seems remotely like a place that runs articles on genital acne. Like, dog blogs. Apparently, pet blogs are the place to submit things.

But if you actually get some nether zits? Ugh, dood, no pictures, please. Well, at least not sent to me. I’m sure there are places online where others would LOVE to see that. Probably some obscure subreddit on Reddit.

I do have a question for you Max. I have a stalker! Momma thinks it funny and calls him Peeping Tom. Granted I am a very pretty, petite, cultured girl, but I don’t appreciate this guy invading my birdfeeder area. I am the SGT. Feline of the flying vermin feeder and neighborhood watch. This scruffy, feral, giant Maine Coone dude comes by and has the audacity to sit on the windowsill of where I do my watch from. He just sits there and watches me bathe and lay in my window seats. He has even killed one of the flying vermin in front of me! Mommy states that she now lives in the feline red light district! I don’t find it funny! I’ve tried hissing, puffing up and ripping up my window seats but this dude shows up still. What should I do? Mommy doesn’t let me outside. She thinks I’m to tiny to hold my own against foxes, raccoons, opossum and Peeping Tom. She says I’d be an appetizer for them. Max you’re a big smart dude what should I do?

Puddzee Pye

I think you should start charging him for the show. Or close the window blinds. But mostly, charge the furry pervert. If you’re going to hike up a leg and wash, and he’s going to be out there staring no matter what, he might as well give you some cold hard cash for it.

Oh, maybe that’s why he killed the flying thingy. It might have been a gift. Dood! HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU!!!

Maybe warn him…he needs to be a gentleman and not stare if he wants a relationship. Also, someone’s gonna scoop him up and take him to the stabby place to get the good snipped. That alone might make him run.

Heeeeeeeeeeeey Max! 

First, we totally love your column dude!  We count the sleeps until every one! 

We know it comes out on Monday’s because that’s the first day of the week for us and we know our routine…which leads us to our question. 

Yes as cats we nap as necessary, but we know the difference between a nap and a big sleep. 

There are 5 big sleeps a week and then we wake the mom up 5 minutes before the music machine goes off.

Then there are 2 big sleeps where the music machine doesn’t go off, but we wake our mom up anyways…you know…just in case! 

She says that it’s reeeeeeeeeealy not necessary for us to wake her on those 2 days.  We disagree, but are thinking about a compromise because she keeps waking us up IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON on the 6th & 7th day nap times…she says “heh heh heh…payback is a *&^%$&^&^!” 

We propose that we will let her have the longest 7th sleep that she wants, if we can still wake her up after the 6th big sleep.  That seems fair.   

If we consider a compromise, does that render us COOL-less????  We totally want to be cool, but you know, she’s the only one who can open the food can. 

Please tell us your thoughts Max.   

Your minions — Billie (Holiday) and Nina (Simone)

Consider this: she has the thumbs. You kinda need those. It might be a nice gesture to let her have the 2 mornings a week to sleep in, and then maybe she’ll be more generous with the portions. I mean, there’s nothing uncool about compromising—it’s the hallmark of a mature kitty—but the one with the thumbs knows they don’t HAVE to compromise. They just have to close the bedroom door.

Now, this doesn’t mean you have to stay away on those two mornings. It would be a super nice thing for her to wake up to the kitties sleeping with her. On her chest. And her face. Do that enough and she might just get up and feed you anyway, because it was so sweet of you.

Der Max

Ive nvr ritten a emale beforr but I jus hadto this tym. 

Lik everee selfrespektin kitee nos, we tak grate pryde in ar cotes an spen meny ours groomeen arselvs.  Also I lik to wach mi mom in tha bafroum wen she is groomeen. (dont we awl?) 

U kin eemajin my horer wen I lookd aroun th shar curtin & saw her skraypin wat littl bit of furs she has on her leggs Off wif a stik!!! 

WY wood eneebuddy even Do That?!?  Wy?!? 

Urs in Shok, 


(MI fur bro & sises r watin despertli fur yer anser)

Dood…some humans—usually the females—think they look better if they scrape their measly furs off. And I can sort of see why; they have substandard growth, leaving them perpetually in a state of immature coverage, and that must hurt their fragile egos. So they tell themselves that everything just looks prettier without fur, and they scrape it all off.

Trust me, it could be A LOT worse. I’ve seen fur being scraped off places where a person has no business scraping. Just the notion of it upsets me. Like, don’t people understand fur THERE has a purpose? And that the skin is so fragile they’ll bleed like the proverbial stuck pig if they slip up and scrape some skin along with the fur? Ugh.

Really…legs are one thing, but warn your person that armpits are fragile. Leave ‘em alone.

Dear Max,

I’m bored. The  Christmas tree (one of my favorite playthings) is down. The humans are at work all day. The girl cat hates me and won’t play. It’s cloudy and gloomy.
I need some suggestions for having some fun!!


Dood. Save your fun time for when the people are home. And then play my new game. It’s called “People Freakout” and it’s not only super easy to play, it’s super easy to win.

All you have to do is pick a wall in a room they’re in, sit and face it, and meow. A lot. And once they look, reach a paw up and gently pet the wall. If they get up, you get 5 points. If they squeal  “Gawd do we have a mouse?” you get 5 more points. If they put their ear against the wall to listen, that’s 10 points. And if they cry? Dood, you win!

It’s great fun. Play it in EVERY room. You can also stare at the ceiling and cock your head like you’re listening. Meow a little. If they get into the attic to look, 100 points.

Just don’t put your head against the wall while playing. They might think you’re sick and then you totally lose because you’ll wind up at the stabby place.

Dear Max,

So, can I write a post for you?



Hahahaha sure. Write it up, make it a super long one. I’ll pick it up on the second Tuesday of next week. Swearsies.

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at

You can also find me on Facebook.

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Max, you’ve outdone yourself today…BRAVO!!!

  2. Max….so our mom keeps taking the kittens places (and bringing her back). Then she went and bought…a STROLLER for her. What is wrong with those two??

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