Ask Max Monday: Love At First Bite

Ask Max Monday

Max, when will your new book be coming out? We are still reading “Forked” cause my glasses need to be changed! We luv you! Jamie’s mom

It might be a while. A lot of the next book is written, but just the vomit draft. So basically, there’s a story but it’s in the sheesh-this-sucks phase. But the next one is not for young kitties. Grown up bouncy things happen.

Max…so it is high kitten season here and we have 11 (yes you read that right) kittens here right now. Anyhow, a few of them got out of their room the other morning and mom used a whole lot of new HBO words as she chased them around. Any ideas how to move the doors to let them out again? We may not like them, but we would like to increase our HBO vocabulary. THANKS

Wow, this is tricky. If you have door handles that look like sticks, you can just jump up and hang on it until it drops, and then the door will open and you’ll have kitty escapage galore. If they’re the round kind, it can still be done, but it takes more work.

First you need to get your paws sticky. The easiest way is to pee outside the box, walk through the puddle and then plop down to let your paw pads dry. This will give you much needed traction. You still nee to jump up and grab the door knob using both paws, but instead of hanging on it, you have to swing your body back and forth.

Now, if you don’t have the flexibility to hang on AND swing, get someone to help you. They can push your butt back and forth, and while they do, pull with one paw and push with the other, and the knob should turn.

Trust me, if you do it that way, you’re going to hear a lot of HBO words, starting with the pee puddle on the floor.

Hey, Maxcat, buddy. You are the grooviest! If Mama buys your books for me and I reads them, can I get rich like you and buy me furrari like Obi’s??

No, but if she buys my books for you, I might get rich. I would like to get rich. Rich people can buy lots of real live fresh dead shrimp. I like real live fresh dead shrimp and never seem to get it.

Max Dood!!! I had the single best day of mine life the other day, I got bacon for all the meals. How do I ensure the bacon keeps coming?

It helps if you’re old. I’m old, so I get a lot of tasty things because the People feel bad about that and don’t want me to lead a depraved deprived life. I get a lot of steak, and it keeps coming because (aside from being old) I don’t let up. I know it’s in the fridge, so I ask every 5 minutes if I can have some, even if I just had a few bites. Eventually, people want you to shut up, so they cave in to demands. So really, just be as obnoxious as you can. It totally works.

Max, Thumbs has stuck us in PTU’s then put us in cars for years, then pulled us out, then put us in tiny little rooms when we are used to a big house, then stuck us in PTU’s then cars for years, the whole torture thing for a very long time. Now we are in a big house again and she put away the PTU’s but I’m not falling for that. And it isn’t our house yet, even though she says it’s our furrever home and Rags is doing his best to mark it. I follow her from room to room and watch everything she does, except there are some rooms we aren’t even allowed in yet! Something she said about remodeling, blah humanspeak blah, but I can’t go in there, and don’t know if I even want to stay. I’m so worried I keep forgetting to bite and scratch when she gives me blechpills, and stabs me in the heiniebutt.

How can I stop worrying about the M word?


Dood. I have been in this house for nine years, and I STILL worry about the M word. Every time furniture gets moved, I worry. Every time they hang pictures up, I worry. Maybe because I’ve had to endure the M word so many times, it makes me suspicious, but I can feel the little furs in my ears get all tingly and hiding seems like a good thing.

But… if the people PROMISE it’s the last of the M-word, I kinda have to believe it. There will probably be PTU trips to the stabby guy, but we’ll come back home where the food and other cat lives. And don’t get me started about remodeling. My whole freaking kitchen endured the M-word and never came back! We had to get a whole new one. It was unsettling, but the new one is nicer, so…

Maybe your place will be better when it’s all done. But take your can opener at her word; you’re probably done moving. If not, treat her things to a toothy death. All of them.

That’s right, I said ALL OF THEM.

Do cats talk to each other? More than the standard “Get away from my chow!” to their buddies or “Leave me alone” to obnoxious kittens, that is. Us two-leggers know you guys have a serious vocabulary by the howls, hisses, growls and whines you let out with (along with the sweet little miaows when you want us to give you treats). What I mean is, do you discuss the weather with each other? That rabbit eating your human’s flower bulbs? What you’d like for lunch? Do you talk about… us? What do you say about your humans to other cats? Do you laugh at us behind our backs? C’mon, be honest, us humans suspect you do (we know we’re ridiculous-looking, compared to you).

And what are we saying when we meow back to you? I don’t want to offend my fur-persons, but they get the cutest looks on their faces when I meow at them, and I admit to talking to them more than I do to other people. But what am I saying?

Spill it, Max, please!

The doting felinophile in Wisconsin

Kris Aaron

Honestly, we save our talking for people. We can pretty well tell what another cat is thinking of doing by body language and stuff, so it’s not really necessary. But people like it when we talk, and after a time we have them trained to understand what different meows mean, like “clean my box” or “feed me now.”

We’re mostly amused when you meow back. Half the time you’re just saying “hey” and you get the accent all wrong, but it’s funny, so keep doing it.


  I will be turning 18 on August 1 and I have this strange quirk that my mom keeps telling me that I need therapy.  I will only drink water if it is in the bathtub.  Mom puts a bowl of water in there for me.  I have a bowl of fresh water every morning where my food is but I will only drink it if it’s bathtub.  Am I going thru something because of my old age?

Maybe. Or it could just be a personal quirk. Everyone has a quirk, and yours seems pretty hamrless. But truly, if it were “something.” It might be that you want your water there because deep down, it feels like a safe space for it. In the tub, it’s away from food and other pesty things that could contaminate it—that’s why cats tend to want their water away from their food, anyway. In the wild we’d be looking for water away from where we ate, to make sure it didn’t get contaminated.

I have my water fountain in a whole other room away from the food. The Woman noticed I drank more when she did that. So maybe yours is an old age thing, but an old age thing that you do so that you drink more.

Either way, tubs are fun. Your mom gets extra points for letting you drink there.



The first time I saw real live fresh dead shrimp, I loved it.

So there you go.

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Category: Ask Max Monday

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Max, you are wise beyond your years! Teaching other cats how to open closed doors was excellent!

  2. Pippin says:

    Mr Max
    I share my toys with my girl all the time, but when I play with her toys I get “No, no that’s mine” How do I teach her to share?


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