Ask Max Monday: Mating 101

Ask Max Monday

Max, I like to chew things. They used to give me drink straws to chew on (Taco Bell and McD have very good ones.) After I chewed up my human's stethoscope they went and bought me a proper chew toy. BUT nobody really makes cat chew toys (Petstages has some for kittens, but they do not survive mine adult teeths.) I got a small rubber bone instead. Those are for d-o-gs! How embarassing. Should I suck it and chew anyway? The rubbery texture is just right, but still, it's a BONE…!

– Magee

Look at it this way: your having that bone means one less dog has one, and that’s just funny. Go ahead, chew your freaking head off, and laugh the entire time! You might want to tell your people, too, that there are chew toys for cats, but they’re probably grouped with kitten things. Buddah had a few of them, but they didn’t last long. Not because he chewed them a lot, but because he batted them around the house until they fell into the Twilight Zone of Lost Toys. But if the bone doesn’t work out for you—and I said chew it as long as you want—there are options out there.

Max,

I have a reel ishue with my mom.  She "sponsers" about 20 crows (or more, I can't reely cownt that hi) and they are all over owr back yard.  Mom says we are "insite" cats and won't let me go owt and rid the yard of them.  I sit by the slippery door and beg to go owt, but Mom says that this the only reality show that we are allowed to watch.  I think we shood be able to go owt on the island and prove we are survivors.  How can we convinse her that we can win the milyun dollars?

Thanks Max

Man, you really don’t want to do that. Have you seen what the people on Survivor really eat? RICE! Lots and lots of rice! Your belly would bloat and pooping would become no fun at all, and you’s still feel hungry all the time. And crows? Dood, those are mean suckers. Go out there and they might peck your eyeballs out or something.

Money isn’t everything. Stay inside where the friendlier noms are. Outside is nothing but trouble.

Dear Max:

My cats saw me feeding the outside kitty (neighbor's cat; she comes to use for food and shelter because the neighbors are doodoo heads who neglect her.) They are NOT amused. One is currently giving me the stink eye. What should I do to propitiate my kitties?

This is really easy: every time you feed the outside kitty, feed the inside kitties. For one, that’s only fair. And two, if they get food when she gets food, they’ll start to think she’s a good thing and will look forward to seeing her. And then they will pester the bajeebers out of you to go out and give her food, but you weren’t planning on a quiet life anyway, right???

Hello Wise Max Guru!

I have two questions today.

First, how do I get my teacher, big sister Lily, to see me less as a pupil and more as a potential mate?  Can I just hack up a big hairball or should diamonds be involved or, if I hack really hard, can both be involved?

Also, Grammy Cat has not had a cat since 2000.  How can I encourage her to adopt a cat?  She is way far away (Uncle Phelps told me about it–Grammy is about six throw-ups away.) Grammy is resistant but she obviously needs her own kitty. Should I use one of my human parent's credit cards to order a kitten?

Many, many purrs, Guru Max and many, many head-butts,

Finnegan the Kitten

P.S. Can I call you Uncle?

Dood. DOOD. Why would you want to mate with your SISTER? That’s like 20 kinds of messed up and your kittens would wind up with like 4 heads and 22 nipples each. There’s a reason there are laws against doing bouncy bouncy things with a sibling, and multi-headed alien baby kitties are a big reason why. Seriously, dood, you might want to rethink that whole notion.

Oh, wait…unless you meant “mate” like Doctor Who means “mate” and you just want to be friends. Yeah, doubt that’ll happen either. Sorry about that.

And don’t get your Grammy a kitty. I know it seems like she needs one, but sometimes people get to a certain age and they don’t want to live with pets even though they like them. Like, my people…when Buddah and I are gone they say they’re not getting other kitties. By then they’ll be just old enough that they’re worried they’ll croak before any new kitty would, and they don’t want to do that to a furball.

Maybe send your Grammy a stuffed kitty? She can still pet that and talk to it, but she wouldn’t have to feed it or clean litter boxes. And you can still use your peoples’ credit card to get it. Just don’t tell them until after you get it.

And sure, call me Uncle Max. I would be an awesome uncle.

HAY MAX THE PEEPS JUST GOT ME A GINORMUSS HEETED BED WITH A GRATE KUSHUN. I THINK IT WOOD BE A REEL LADYCAT MAGNIT. HOW DO I LET THEM KNOW? SHOOD I PUT SINES ON POLES AROWND THE NAYBERHOOD? I'M STILL HAVIN A LITTUL TRUBBLE IN THE GERLFREND DEPARTMINT, BUT DON'T TELL ANYWUN.

Push that bad boy to the closest window and sit in it, and every time a girl kitty goes by call out “Heeeeeeey baby! Wanna come bounce on my wonder bed? It’s HOT!”

I bet they come running.

Though, a few signs wouldn’t hurt. FOR A HOT TIME, COME SLEEP IN MY BED. That oughta do it.

Tags: ,

Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured, Last Week, zzz Previous 3 cat articles

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (3)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. TRIPPER says:

    HAY MAX, WARE COOD I GIT ONE OF FINNEGANS SISTERZ KITTINS WITH 22 NIPPULS?

  2. Finnegan the Kitten says:

    Hi Tripper!  Sorry to be the extremely cute bearer of bad tidings but beautiful big sister Lily and I could never have kittens with 22 nippuls (sic).  First, we're not genetically related and, second, we are both fixed.  Third, I think that Uncle Max might be right–it's possible that exquisite Miss Lily will never see me as any kind of mate on account of our vast age difference (12 months!) and the fact that the Humans insist on treating us as siblings even though we could be so, so much more…  If only Miss Lily could see it!

    Sorry, Tripper!  I bet a special girl cat would have bunches of fun on your hot bed. 

    Purring in Commiseration,

    Finnegan the Kitten

    P.S. Wise Guru Uncle Max, I have a question.  Have you ever been in love?  If so, what does it feel like?

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers