Ask Max Monday: Mocking’s Not Just For Birds…

Ask Max Monday

Dear Max,
Due to a mouse shortage in these here parts, of the live but soon to be beaded kind, what can I use to keep my hunting skils high and still get the fun of the chase ?
Toodle pips and purrs
Erin

There are always things in a house that can be hunted. Spiders, those long silvery quick bugs, flys, mosquitos—it might take some effort to sniff them out, but they’re in the house somewhere. And if you can get one to run, it’s great fun. Just don’t think about how they’re probably screaming in terror, yelling out, “ETHEL! GO SAVE THE KIDS! THERE’S NO HOPE FOR ME BUT YOU CAN SURVIVE!”

Make sure the bugs you go after are ok for hunting, though. We have a spider in out bathroom named Leonardo. He’s one of those weird ones with the really long legs, and the Woman says “Hello” to him a lot. We’re not allowed to chase him, because she likes him and he eats other bugs. But anything else is fair game…or would be. I kinda stopped chasing bugs a few years back, but when I did I never killed them. I just ripped their little legs or wings off.

But your best option is probably right in front of you.

Your human.

People make great hunting practice dummies. There’s always something on them moving: wiggling fingers, toes, they twitch here and there and scratch at nonexistent itches. Stalk them. Follow them around the house, keeping your attentions focused on feet and ankles, and when you sense the perfect moment, attack. It can (and probably should) be a fast attack: strike and retreat. A little nip here, a little scratch there. They won’t even be hurt.

And when they’re watching TV? Creep up from behind and go after anything that moves. Look for the small things, like a nostril hair flapping in the breeze of their exhalations. A slow rocking of a foot. Fingers tapping on a laptop computer. These are all very good for hunting exercises and will not only keep your skills sharp, they’ll aid your people by sharpening their attentiveness.

It’s just good family fun, and they will totally thank you for it.

Max!! I gotted a purple special carrier bed thing. Since it is purple it is supposed to be all mine. But mine sister Daiquiri keeps sleeping in it. We both won’t fit in there and staring at her won’t make her leave. Any ideas?? Thanks, Chanel

You’re thinking two dimensionally. Chances are, you really can both fit in there, just not side by side. Clearly the answer is to climb in and sleep on top of her. It’s a win-win: you get your purple bed AND you get a warm, free, vibrating mattress. Surely she’ll purr, right? I mean, she has you acting like a fair-trade fur blanket, that’ll thrill her.

There’s nothing like a vibrating mattress. I read about it online, people used to go to motels JUST to try them out, and they had to PAY extra. And here you are, getting it for free!

Also…if you fart a lot, she’ll eventually decide it’s just not worth it. Then you get the whole thing to yourself.

Patience and flatulence are your friends in this one.

Max, our folks builded us a catio so we can sorta kinda be outside. But the bad news is, it’s akshully a TORTURE CHAMBER! Now we can smell the birds and ALMOST catch em, and a squirrel comes up to us and goes, “nya nya nya.” We are the laughing stock of the outside world. I mean, how insanely soul sucking is it to be taunted by SQUIRLS?? Next up will probly be gofers and moles. Should I go to a shrink?

When we lived in Evil, Ohio, there was a squirrel who sat outside my window, mocking me. He climbed partway up the tree and leaned his head back, laughing because that was something I would never be able to do. Climb a tree and sit on a branch, watching the world go by.

So…I did what any respectable kitty would do. I dragged my food over there and ate it in front of him, and reminded him that the special among us didn’t have to fend for food—we had minions to bring it to us. And sooner than he would like, it was going to be winter and he’d be freezing his nuts off, while I lounged in a nice, warm house, eating food I didn’t have to hunt.

Let me tell you, that really chapped his asterisk.

So let the outside critters mock you. You know, deep down, that you have it better than they ever will. You have INSIDE and people with thumbs to open cans for you or who pour out the crunchy foods, and you don’t have to eat dirt and dead undelicious things. Maybe drag some food out onto the catio and eat it slowly while they mock you, making sure they know how delectable it is, and how you have to make zero effort to get it.

Eventually, they’ll go away. No one likes to be reminded that they have to work harder than the other guy just to scrape by.

You don’t need a shrink. Just a new world view. Your world has an awesome catio that lets you experience the Great Outdoors without having to doge the Big Bad Things, and the creatures on the other side of the screen don’t have it half as good.

But mock them. Oh yes, mock them…

Got a question for me?
You can leave it in the comments below,
or drop me an email at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

You can also find me on Facebook.

 

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Category: Ask Max Monday, Featured

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Edie Chase says:

    Hahaha. Patience and flatulence is your friend. I’m going to try that at the movies the next time someone feels the need to sit in front of me in an empty theater.

  2. Miles Meezer says:

    Please settle an argument for me: I say that pooping in the mom’s slippers took a lot of skill. She says it’s just gross.

    Who is right?

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