Ask Max Monday: No Butts About It

Ask Max Monday

MAX!!! I think my peeple are WIKKINS! They lokt us in a room, and win we came out, the krissmiss tree wuz GON and thare wuz nuthin but a pile of needuls ware it had been. I think they used BLAK MAJIK to make it disappeer. Can they make US disappeer? And how menny sleeps until Krissmiss comes bak? The big fat lard cat sez it will be THREE of my lifetimes. He’s joking, rite???

There are 3,076,154 sleeps until next Christmas, but it only feels like three lifetimes. It’s inversely proportional to your age, so it might even feel like FOUR lifetimes, but the sleeps don’t change. Get yourself a piece of paper and a pen, and for every sleep make a little line on it. When you hit 3.076,154, it’s Christmas and Santa will bring you things.

I dunno about the tree, though. The same thing happened here. I went to take a nap and when I got up, the entire Whovimas tree with all its shiny Whovimas ornaments was gone. There were needles on the floor, too, and I can’t explain that because our tree was fake, which really sucks when you want to chew on a tree branch.

So I don’t think you live with witches or warlocks or anything, but make no mistake, they can make you disappear. It usually means you wind up at the stabby place with a thermometer up your asterisk, and no one likes that. So be wary, because you never know.

Dooood it’s been raining here like a ton and pretty soon the house is going to float away and take all my stuff with it and I am not cool with that and I read it’s raining a lot where you are too, so what are you going to do?


This, dood. One more day of rain, and I’m waiting for Noah.

Max dood – I found the bestest way to get the mom awake in the middle of the night – get unner the covers and start petting her butt with your paw. Guaranteed it will make her jump about elebenty feet in the air and then, since she’s up, you can get her to feed you.


Biting things you find under the covers works, too. Especially if they’re dangly things.

Though I wouldn’t bite anything dangling from a butt…just in case.

A cold nose on a boob works, too. Well, for getting a person up. They’re not so keen on opening cans after that.

Dear Max,

I, like all decent male cats, consider hygiene to be very important. So of course, I keep myself clean, and that includes my nether regions.

However, when my humans see me sit back and hike a leg up, they get upset and tell me to stop that, and to go wash in private.

Why? They bathe. Why does it bother them when I do?

They’re jealous.


They dream about being able to wash themselves the way we do. So go ahead and remind them of their shortcomings…maybe it will inspire them to work out and become more flexible.

Max! I treid shrimps for the first time. Are there more? WHERE HAVE THEY BEEN ALL MY LIFE?

In the ocean, dood.

And there might be more, but I intend to get there first.

Still, ask your people. Maybe they’ll find a stash that I don’t know about.

Good luck!




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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. Cheryl Nolte says:

    Max dood you know everything so tell me

    Why is chicken so good and why doesn’t my mom feed me more of it? Why does she get mad when I ignore my dinner and try to steal chicken off her plate? She might give me a little tiny bit but it’s not enough and then why does she give some to my stupid sisfur as well?


  2. Ha Ha Ha You cats are nuts, but certainly have us hoomans figured out! Keep up the great work, dear dudes!! Remember, scratching under the covers usually is fun, unless you scratch an area that’s really OFF LIMITS! Look out, fellas!!

  3. Casper says:

    Hay Max, wuts PURRSONUL SPACE and why do I keep gettin in trubble for invading it?

  4. supie20 says:

    Max, Owr food lady is pritty hissed off bowt stuff rite nao. She wannit to go marching dis weekent becuzz da noo prezident uhparently grabs food ladiez by deir cats. He sed “grab ’em by da cat!” Shood we be worreed we will git grabd? Wut do we do if we get grabd?!?! Dis wurlt ain’t safe fur food ladiez or deir gurlcats! Luff, Spider and Gracie, gurlcats hoo stan up for gurlhoomans

  5. Tripper says:



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