Ask Max Monday: …Where No Man Has Gone Before… Kinda.


OMG Max weer running out of time!!! They sed owr krissmiss tree is going away! We tride to nok it over, but we just made a bunch of balls go broken insted. So we nocked over the ficuss tree. It’s tiny, but thare wuz a LOT of wet blak dert that spilt onto the wite carpit. So can we git points for THAT insted of nocking over the krissmiss tree? We made owr pawprints all over da wall, too.

We looked evryware for da Sandy Klawz. We klimed in the highest clozets lookin for prezints and we klimed up inside the chimney to see if he got his fat butt stuck in thare. We never saw no Sandy Klawz, but we did gind sum prezints and treets. Is he invidizubul?

Dood, you knocked a tree over AND made dirt come out AND got pawprints all over? You get ALL the points for that. Well, all the points for the day. New day = new points.

And it’s really hard to see Santa when he comes. He has to get to 198 billion houses in one night, so he can only spend like one-tenth of one-eighth of a second in each house, so he has to work really fast. Blink, and he’s already come.

Incidentally, that really pisses off Mrs. Claus.

Deer Max – why is it wrong that I sleep on Sammy’s head? mommy gets ticked off whenever i do this in the bed. she says there’s plenty of room for all of us, but there’s NOT that much room next to her. Also, when she gets mad at me for that I get under the covers and bite her tummy. wouldn’t you think she would stop getting mad at me?

If it’s not her head, I don’t know why she would get upset. Does Sammy mind? If he does, he’s the one who needs to address the matter, not your Mom. For all she knows, Sammy LOVES it and sticks his head under your butt when she’s not looking. And I can totally see that. It’s chilly this time of year and a massive furry butt to help retain the heat in your head seems like a reasonable notion.

On the other hand, I understand why she gets upset for biting her tummy. I don’t like it when someone even touches mine, and biting is a lot more personal than a few wandering fingers. Maybe you need to pet her tummy with your paw pads first and see how well she likes that. Save biting for fingers, toes, and ear lobes. I’m not sure why, but people seem to like having their ear lobes nibbles on. They get all giggly and eventually? She just might let you bite her tummy.

Hi Max,

My name is Harriet and I’m 9. I have lived with my brofur Ozzy almost my whole life and he is like 10. He was here first. We used to get along really well and and and napped together but then we got to the point where we just did like sometimes napping and just lefted each other alone and and and then he started being more mean to me and started chasing me. That was okay for years cuz Mommy loves us both and he didn’t do it all the time. Now he’s really really mean to me and chases me all the time and and growls and pins me down and corners me and is so mean to me!!!! I always let him eat first and I don’t take up much space and I let him pick the spot on the bed first and I even let mommy pet him too. Why are brofurs so mean to their sisfurs? I’m a nice girl and I love my mommy. Mommy is all upset cuz he’s being such a bully. Please help me understand!

It’s hard to understand. And I feel your pain…Buddah and I have never really been buddies, but lately he’s been picking on me a lot more than he ever did. I think it’s because he senses I’m old and he’s trying to establish dominance, but the Woman always shakes her pointy finger at him when he’s mean and lets him know SHE’S the one ion charge, so he slinks off to pout.

Maybe your brother is trying to make sure you think he’s the alpha cat. Or something about you smells different and he’s reacting to it. Your mom might want to try Feliway diffusers in the house, or something like that. They can help calm a kitty down and make him less aggressive.

All I know for sure is that peaceful negotiation doesn’t seem to work. There’s just no talking to some kitties.

Dear Max,
My name is Mistletoe, (no one is really sure why but my HuMom thinks it’s because I was adopted in mid-December and the ladies fostering too many kitties just told her the next name on the list….but that’s another story) and they Stabby Guy says I’m probably about 15. I have some advice for the lady that doesn’t like sharing her water with her kitty. Do what my HuMom does. Well the first step takes planning. (1) You need to check in to a very nice hotel, order room service and then “accidently” bring a tea cup and matching saucer in your suitcase. If you carry a large bag you can substitute a fancy restaurant. Be sure to tip well, even when you don’t steal anything. (2) Every night when you get you glass of water also fill the teacup with fresh water…Just Like Yours….you use ice? Kitty gets ice. You use lemon? (Yuck) but I suppose kitty gets lemon. (3) Set the teacup on the matching saucer in a place beside or close by your water…Not By Kitty’s Food!….we don’t like them together. Any chance our food might get in our water is disgusting! Do you bits of dead meaty stuff floating in you drinks? The saucer under the teacup is important because it will stop you from freaking out about whatever it is that causes water contact with wood to make people freak.

This teacup method woks all over the house. Cleaning and filling it keeps us (well, me) happy and the pretty cups and plates makes my HuMom happy. If you are dealing with a CatDaddy you can substitute mugs with rude sayings on a coaster from his favorite beer place. But when our water becomes part of the decor, humans seem to remember to clean and fill our cup when they are filling their own. Coffee drinkers seem to find this a good method. Frst they pour their wake-up juice then they pour our water.

Max, Thanks for all your cat sense advice. Have a great New Year!

Yeah, Buddah gets his own mug of water on the counter. But I really think a sippy cup is the way to go. And that way, if a human fumbling around in the dark knocks it over, the water stays in. They don’t need to know that the cup might get chewed on.

Dear Max,

My name is Sable and I am 15 years old. Whenever I finish taking a dump in the litter box, I go zooming around the house. Actually, all of us do this. None of us are young cats either. We’ve tried to explain to mom why we do this, but we aren’t getting through to her. We are hoping that you can explain it to her. We let her read your column every Monday in hope that she will learn something!

Sable the Punk

It’s simple, really.

Pooping is a lot like Star Trek.

There might be Klingons. And everyone knows that when a Klingon is on your asterisk, you go into warp speed to get them off. If you don’t, they get stuck there and then there’s an all-out war with them and the Federation (people) because no one wants the Klingons hanging around, so someone is going to come after the kitty with a wet towel, and no one wants that. Not the kitty, not the Klingon, and not even the Federation.

It’s all about keeping peace. So really, kitty zooms are a kind thing. We take care of the Klingons, so the people don’t have to.

Got a question for me?
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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (5)

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  1. Max dood – I found the bestest way to get the mom awake in the middle of the night – get unner the covers and start petting her butt with your paw. Guaranteed it will make her jump about elebenty feet in the air and then, since she’s up, you can get her to feed you.

  2. Hnossa says:

    Has Harriet’s human had Ozzy to the stabby place? Ozzy might be grumpy because he doesn’t feel good. Sometimes we kitties will get cranky when we are sick or hurting.

    Or he could just be a grump.

    • Connie says:

      I was thinking that myself

    • Mousebreath says:

      Yes, I think it’s worth a trip to the stabby place to see if everything’s A-OK with Ozzie. A sudden change in behavior often signals an underlying medical issue. As Max suggested, the Feliway diffusers can be helpful. If not, try Rescue Remedy. If all else fails and his health tests out okay, consider putting him on Prozac. Not kidding. Some people bristle at the idea of “drugging” their cats, but from the cat’s purrspective, it just helps him chillax a little, maybe improving relations with Harriet. Harriet will stop getting harrassed, and Ozzie will be a perpetual state of bliss.

      We put Mao on Prozac a number of years ago, due to separation anxiety. As he got geezerly, he was increasingly upset when we were gone. When I’d leave the house, he’d wail non-stop until I returned. Before I left on a 2-week out-of-the-country trip, we put him on Prozac (you need to start a few weeks ahead of time and gradually increase the dosage, then do it in reverse when you wean them off of it). It was a very successful solution. He was anxiety-free, and I think it was a humane solution to a difficult problem.

  3. Homer says:

    MAX!!! I think my peeple are WIKKINS! They lokt us in a room, and win we came out, the krissmiss tree wuz GON and thare wuz nuthin but a pile of needuls ware it had been. I think they used BLAK MAJIK to make it disappeer. Can they make US disappeer? And how menny sleeps until Krissmiss comes bak? The big fat lard cat sez it will be THREE of my lifetimes. He’s joking, rite???


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