Ask Max Monday: Because It’s Not Tuesday


Hi Max! Say, the pawparrazzi have been crazy, crazy at my house – hiding around every corner! How do I keep them at bay at least while I’m bathing, napping & eating?!

Every time they stick that camera in your face, attack. Jump on them while growling and hissing, and if you need to, stick your claws out. If you do that often enough, they’ll back off. I mean, you might wind up on medication, but hey…they might be fun drugs.

Hey Max, how many times did you watch Dr Who yesterday?

There was a marathon, so, like 10. But if you just mean the new one, not many. 3 times. Not many.

Dear Max,

My lady person asks me every morning about the skins she’s gonna wear and sometimes she asks if it makes her look fat. WHAT DO I SAY? It feels like a trick.

Dood. This is easy. You look her dead in the eye and say, “That’s not what makes you look fat.” Trust me, she’ll thank you for it.

Can I really eat pizza?

Sure, why not? I eat pizza. It just has to be pizza made without garlic or onions. And really, I just get a bite od the cheese with a tiny bit of sauce on it. It’s not like I get a whole freaking pizza to myself. Same thing with Twinkies. I’d like to have an entire one, but really, the Woman just puts some of the cream on her finger and I lick it off. Maybe I get a tiny bit of the cake part. Just use common sense; tiny bites as a treat.

Max…I don’t have any cats, but I would like to have a couple of them. I know you’ve said before you never learned to like Buddah; I don’t want to wind up with cats that hate each other, so what would you have done to make him like you?

If I hadn’t gotten so sick when Buddah came to live with us, things might be different. I didn’t have the energy to teach him how to be a cat, but if I had, he probably wouldn’t be such a pain and I might like him. We do co-exist in the same house without any real problems, though. We fight sometimes, but then so do cats that like each other.

You can up your odds of getting your cats to like each other, though. Maybe consider getting littermates; they’re already used to each other and probably play together a lot. Or you could search for an older, bonded pair of cats. It’s super hard for shelters to place older paired cats together, and giving them a forever home would be awesome. Don’t worry about them being too old to adapt to your home…they’ll figure out pretty quick that you have the thumbs, and the one with the thumbs is the one you suck up to. You can bathe in cat nip, too. That’ll help.


There’s Monday because without it, everyone would hate Tuesday. And who wants to hate Tuesday? Tuesday never did anything to anyone. Tacos are on sale on Tuesday. It’s a great day. Ask Max Monday is on Mondays.

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About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003. Max is the author of SIX blockbuster hit books, "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat,", its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death,", "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats," "Bite Me," "There Once Was a Cat from Nantucket" (a book of poetry), and his new smash hit, "The Emperor of San Francisco [The Wick Chronicles]."

Comments (2)

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  1. Miss Juliea and Izzy says:

    Max, do you know of any studies about cats breeds and colorings that determine their personality? We all know that Siamese are loud and like to talk a lot and may be bossy. And of the many cats I have had over too many years, I find that Tabbies, whether long or short hair seem to get along the best with humans, dogs and other cats. My Izzy will walk right up on strangers porches to greet their cats with no fighting at all. And I’ve had many great tabbies who take great care of their nieces and nephew kittens.

    But the one breed/coloring of cats that I feel have the most interesting, affectionate to people and even dog-like qualities are cats like you. Black and white or gray and white Tuxedo cats and Cow cats. But even though they reach so deep into my heart strings they seem to be a little bit like a bully to other weaker cats in the household or even outside.

    And black cats are sweet but they tend to be shy of everyone.

    Do you think this is somewhat true? Do you know of any research books on this issue? After all, dogs shapes, colorings and breeds have a whole lot to do with their personalities. Why don’t they recognize cats as more diverse breeds than just “Domestic Short Hair”, etc. there is a huge difference between a Tuxie and a Black cat and that could be why you don’t get along with Buddha when you might have been better suited to a Tabby?

    I’m asking because Izzy would like a friend and I want to get the right one. He loves our big dog, but the dog just ignores him. Do you think my theory is correct about the cats colorings?

    Thanks, Juliea, mom to Izzy (8yr old medium hair gray tabby and very laid back) and Buddy (12 yr old shepherd/lab mix who also loves everybody no matter what breed).

  2. Miss Juliea and Izzy says:

    Max, I apologize about whart I said about your breed of Tuxedo cat being kind of a bully. I just mean that the ones I’ve known are very headstrong, confident and are more of a born leader. And they don’t take chit from others. Am I right?


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